I Didn’t Even Know Her

Dedicated L’iluy nishmat Gabriella Rachel Smith bat Yisrael a’h 

“Ma, but you don’t even know her…” 

Those are the unceasing words coming from my 12-year-old daughter today as I found out that the dear mother of my son’s friend passed away after battling an ongoing sickness, only in her early 40’s. I am distraught and in mourning. True, I did not know precious Gabriella Rachel in person, but does that matter? All I know is that my eyes tear, the lump in my throat grows larger and my heart is in unbearable pain when I think about her and her family. 

“But Ma, why are you taking this so hard? This is not the first time you have heard that someone has passed away. When will you get over it?” My daughter is clearly worried after seeing my eyes glistening yet again, and wants her relatively happy pappy mother back.  

All I keep thinking about is that there is one more family orphaned, and all I keep feeling is a deep jabbing in my heart. It is agonizing and causes me to clutch with all my might to the most fundamental principle of Judaism I have dedicated close to the past decade to teaching – Emuna. 

The loyal and devoted voice within the Jew screams, “G-d does everything for the very best – it is either openly revealed or ultimately will surface, but it is all good and comes with the purest intentions. G-d loves us.” However, I simply cannot swallow this lump in my throat and the watery eyes do not stop dripping. While writing this, I saw a picture of Gabriella Rachel for the first time. Putting a picture to the name that I have prayed for for so many weeks causes the pain to expand even more. 

The rational questions: “How can it be? How will the family continue? How much she must have suffered…” are battling with the super rational Emuna response “G-d has a plan; it is just and fair.” Which one wins? Honestly, I hear them both and each one ‘wins’ my attention at one point or another.  

As the mental conversation continues, my daughter grabs my attention once again and gets me to think, “I have never physically met her. How can this affect me so deeply?” Then again, we do this all of the time. G-d asks us to pray for someone living somewhere out there who we probably will never meet, let alone know at the end what actually came of our prayers.  The most moving part of this is that we take the initiative to pray on someone else’s behalf and are touched as we beseech Hashem for them to be healed. 

G-d designed the world such that we do not need to physically meet people to have them enter our heart. We connect through a matrix of consciousness and entwine in ways that go beyond the physical experience and senses. I did not need to meet Gabriella Rachel in order to ‘know’ her,  sense her pain, and feel the sorrow of the aching family. A warm and tender heart does not require sharing the same bloodline.  It requires only empathy and compassion, and Torah principles that encourage the collective sharing of pain and joy.  

I once heard a quote “Some people come into your life as blessings; others come into your life as lessons.”  Gabriella Rachel passed away in Tammuz, which leads to the most difficult month of the year Av, where we commemorate Tisha B’Av. This time of year, we reflect upon the causes of personal and national destruction – annihilation and reconstruction. With every loss, there is a higher calling to rebuild.  

Emuna enables me to go beyond my current level of understanding and opens the doorway to ‘Perhaps there is something more here that I need to grasp. What shall I do with this pain and how should I apply it to help make things better for myself and others?’ An elevated level of understanding is beginning to surface for me. How can I honor Gabriella Rachel in a way that will seal her presence in this world? The answer comes to me from this raised frame of mind. Just as you have experienced profound unconditional love for this beautiful soul and her family, so you can do always.   

Tenderizing our hearts of flesh and infusing them with compassionate love for one another needs to become a daily practice. Rejoicing at the happy occasion of another is a declaration of unconditional love, celebrating their joy as though it is mine seals within my frame of mind that we are one in heart and one in soul.  

These months encourage this shift in perception; it is what will ultimately restore the goodness we once had. Now I know why Gabriella Rachel’s life and passing has moved me. The lesson I am internalizing is that we need to feel for one another. If it does not come naturally in times of peace and joy, it may arise when painful events and times drive us to it. 

I am thankful for the lump in my throat and the tears that swell in my eyes. Not only over the fact that I can cry for someone else that I have never physically met, but I have also gained an eternal lesson of selfless love that I can and will extend to others. It has softened my boundaries and broke down the ‘sensible’ myths I had.   

I now know that I do not need to ‘know’ someone to ‘know’ someone. I need only to ‘feel’ for them and know that they live inside of me. 

May the soul of Gabriella Rachel bat Yisrael be elevated among the righteous who have departed from this world, Amen.