She Married the Wrong Man

Dear Racheli,

My wife of 13 years and I are on the verge of divorce. She’s convinced she made a mistake marrying me and wants to leave. What can I do to stop her? I still love her and don’t want to end this marriage.

Ron

Ron,

There are few things more painful than the ending of a marriage.

But I want to make something very clear.

A marriage that ends in divorce does not mean it was a failed marriage.

Specifically, the marriage itself failed. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t full of meaning.

I believe a “failed” marriage really means that a couple had a learning experience, a growing experience that they were destined to go through together.

There are so many factors that Hashem takes into consideration when pairing up soulmates for marriage. So many more than we can even begin to understand.

But here’s the thing.

Hashem doesn’t make mistakes.

Even if it seems like two people are completely incompatible, it doesn’t mean that their marriage can’t be great. And if you think about it, by nature men and women aren’t compatible. We couldn’t be more different!

It’s only through being stuck with each other and having to learn terrible words like compromise, sharing, and selflessness, that we learn the true meaning of love.

Now even though I said that divorce doesn’t mean the marriage wasn’t a total failure, it doesn’t mean that you should give up!

On the contrary.

In reality, most serious issues between a couple can be quickly fixed just by being good to each other.

Now don’t mistake “quickly” for “easily”!

It’s certainly not easy to be nice to someone who has mistreated or neglected you, especially if it’s been so many years.

But that doesn’t mean the marriage isn’t able to be saved!

Rav Arush explains the simple fix in his amazing marital guide, The Garden of Peace.

That fix is: treat your wife like a queen.

In every way possible! Do whatever she asks. Don’t argue! Don’t criticize! Go out of your way to be romantic. Put her needs before yours.

In other words, Ron, you’ve got to make her feel like the most special woman in the world.

Ron, I want you to be honest with yourself when you think about the questions I’m about to ask you.

How much attention do you give your wife when you come home? How many times do you call her throughout the day? How helpful are you around the house? Are you really listening when she talks to you? Do you take her out? Do you spend your free time with her, or do you run off with your friends? Do you compliment her? Do you show her you appreciate her efforts?

Most importantly, do you make her feel like she’s your everything?

Ron, believe me when I tell you that NO woman gets married with the thought that she might rather be alone one day. Especially if she wants children! So for a woman to get to the point where she’d rather risk being alone, know that you’ve pushed her to her breaking point.

But here’s the good news. All those years of neglect can be turned around much faster than you think!

Start by bringing her flowers or some thoughtful gift tomorrow when you come home after work. Thank her profusely for her delicious dinner, even if it’s not so delicious.

Then, after the kids go to sleep, sit down with her and apologize.

Apologize for all the years you took her for granted. Apologize for not being present with her, for not being the husband you were supposed to be.

And if she lets loose on you, suck it up. Better a few angry tears and punches to the arm than divorce, right?

After your apology, the next thing you need to do is promise that from now on, you’re going to be the best husband you can be.

Promise her that you’ll put her before everything else in your life, even the kids. She is your life partner, and after the kids leave the house she’ll still be with you for the next 50 years, G-d willing.

Along with Rav Arush’s book, you should also listen to Rav Brody’s amazing translation of Rav Arush’s CD, First Place. Listen to it in the car, alone. Trust me. When I first listened to that CD, I was like, “Yes! That’s right! BOOYAH!” To every. Single. Sentence.

And last, you have to believe with total certainty that you can and will save your marriage. Believe it, repeat it, do incantations while standing on your head. Whatever it takes. But know that your certainty is what will give you the push you need to make this work.

Ron, I believe you can do it. And with the book and cd to keep you in check, I know that you will succeed.

Blessings for a long, happy, and loving marriage with your wife!