“Leave Me Alone, Mom!”

I didn’t want my daughter to be depressed. I wanted her to be the sunshine she always had been. I wanted her to chat easily with me in the kitchen instead of answering in short sentences and going to her room.

 

I missed her. I knew it wasn’t personal when she didn’t want my company. I knew she was just in pain. She was at that age when friends are everything and friends were not going well.

 

I ached for her.

 

Every day when I would do hisbodedus (talk to Hashem in personal prayer), I would ask Him to help her. Every day I would say something like, “Please help her find her way. Thank You for giving her this stage and thank You for taking her out of this stage. Thank You for all the good you have planned for her. Please show me how to mother her. Help us be the parents she needs. Thank You, Hashem.”

 

After I would give it over to Hashem, I felt relief. When she would come home and interact with me in that moody way I would regress and my mind would start ranting, “Oh my goodness, What am I going to do with this child. How can I help her? Who should I hire? Where should I go? What change should I make? Who should I call?”

 

Then I would remember, He’s got this. This is all okay. It’s part of the journey (not the fun part!). I could relax and accept that she was too sad to receive the love that I had to offer, but it didn’t mean that I had to stop giving it to her.

 

The interesting thing about giving things over to Hashem is that it doesn’t mean you do nothing. The difference is that instead of doing something simply because you can’t take the feeling of being powerless – you embrace the powerlessness and open to the guidance of Hashem. Then when your inner voice says, “Call a therapist,” you know you’re getting guidance, not just grasping at an answer to make yourself feel better.

 

You’re calm.

 

One morning she didn’t want to get up for school. It was rough. I was at my wits end. I just felt like giving up. While she finally left to school, I went to the store.

 

I didn’t have a plan. I just started shopping as if there was a program in me telling me what to do. I bought her a pair of fuzzy grey slippers, a notebook with prompts to write in, a backpack she would love, and an art project that she would say she’s too old for but really enjoy.

 

When I got home I put everything in the backpack and sat down to write her a note.

 

I didn’t have the perfect words to solve her problems but I did have one thing to say. “I love you and I’m so proud of you. Love, Mommy.”

 

I folded the paper and tucked it in the big pocket of the backpack along with all the other gifts. Later that day, sitting in the dining room, I gave it to her.

 

I wish you could have seen the smile on her face. The sun came out again! She unfolded the note and read it word for word. Out of her mouth came “Thank you!” She put those fuzzy slippers on her feet and I put my hand on my heart.

 

Hashem had given me a way to get through to my daughter.

 

I was so grateful that He led me to express pure love just when I was feeling pure frustration.

 

Then I remembered something.

 

This had all happened before.

 

I must have been around 8 years old. My younger brother was in the middle of the Tantrum of all Tantrums. The house was filled with his loud shouts and kicks.  In the middle of the noise and crying, my mother picked up her purse and said to him “Come with me. We’re going to the store.”

 

She took him a store where she had spotted a book earlier in the day.

 

When they came home he was clutching the book in his hand.

 

It was titled, “Would You Still Love Me?”

 

On every page, the little disheveled kitten questions his cat mother in the rocking chair “

 

“Would you still love me if I was very, very bad?”

 

“Yes,” says the cat mother.

 

“What if I colored on the wall and made marks everywhere. Then would you love me? “

 

“Yes,” says the cat mother.

 

“What if I ate every cookie in the house? Then would you love me?”

 

“Yes,” says the cat mother.

 

“But why? Why do love me? Why do you love me when I mess up my room? Why do you love me when I cry and whine and throw my toys? Why?”

 

I can still see the drawings in my head. The calm mother cat – The wild, confused kitten – testing his mother – wanting her love but doubting his worth.

 

He’s only a kitten….

 

My daughter, she’s just a child….

 

The mother cat finally looks up from her knitting in the chair.

 

She says “Do you know why I love you?”

 

“I love you because you are you. Because from the very moment I saw you I knew that you were the sun and the moon and the stars and the most wonderful boy in the world, no matter what. And that is never going to change. It can’t. That’s just what mother cats do.”

 

In the middle of a child raging, my mother  found a way to say I love you.

 

Years later I gave this gift to my child. I hope one day she’ll give it to hers too.

 

My daughter had a long way to go before things started to look up again but my mother’s lesson stayed with me; it’s now here for you too. Shower your children with unconditional love – especially when they least deserve it.  After all, that’s when they need it the most.

 

As for my daughter, Hashem loves her just because she’s her. And so do I.  

 

 

* * *

Following a near death experience, I’m on a mission to help every woman discover G-d’s unconditional love for her (Including myself!). My work as a Transformation Coach was born out of my own transformation – a time when I literally needed to decompose and become something new.  Through this pain I received gifts that I always wanted but always felt short of: Emuna, self-love, boundaries, deep, meaningful healthy friendships, forgiveness and a wellspring of joy.  I call it Redemption – and I want it for every single person I meet.

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