There’s No Mistake!

So many people tell me that they regret the partner they married. After the wedding, they discovered all types of unpleasant surprises that make their lives miserable. The expression, “Rabbi, I made a terrible mistake – I married the wrong person! Please, give me a blessing so that I can get divorced,” is something that I hear too many times.

When people ask me to bless them with a “green light” for a divorce, I send them to a rabbinical court. They’re the ones who grant divorces, not me. What’s more, the whole premise that someone married the wrong person is far from the truth of Torah. Let’s see why:

Our sages tell us in numerous places in the Gemara that forty days before a child is conceived, a Heavenly voice declares, “The daughter of so-and-so shall marry the son of so-and-so.” We see that the whole matter of matchmaking defies human logic and intellect. It’s all a Divine secret of how Hashem decides which soul will be mated with which other soul. Hashem is the only One who knows each soul, its needed correction and its past incarnations. Hashem is therefore the only One who decides.

People get upset for nothing. We hear things like, “This neighbor ruined my son’s shidduch (match)”, or, “this person spoke slander about my daughter and spoiled a great prospective match.” It wasn’t the neighbor or anyone else; Hashem simply didn’t want that shidduch. Remember our first principle of emuna – “He alone does, did, and will do every deed. Matchmaking is no exception. Ein od milvado – there is no one but Him!

No one in the world can ruin a shidduch if Hashem wants it. That also means that no one is capable of choosing his or her soul-mate. Hashem does that. The Ariza’l said that if Hashem enabled two people to stand under the chuppa (wedding canopy) together, that is their real soul-mate! If it were not, Hashem would not have allowed them to reach the chuppa. Therefore, there is no such reality that a person makes a mistake and marries the wrong person. There’s no mistake! If it were not that person’s real soul-mate, Hashem has plenty ways to torpedo the shidduch – his parents, her parents, the boy’s cold feet, the girl decides that he’s not for her – why? If the shidduch broke off, then it wasn’t intended to be.

With the above in mind, no one is really capable of picking a soul-mate for themselves. Sure, one must make the effort in establishing, the best he or she can, that the other side is emotionally and physically healthy. And if not, they should think if the deficiency is something they can live with, because they themselves might have a deficiency.

The keyword therefore in shidduchim is simple emuna.

People turn down shidduch proposals because the girl is not good looking enough (in their corrupt eyes) or the guy doesn’t have enough money. They should have been praying to Hashem for guidance. But, these chochmalogim (wise-guys and wise-girls) are blinded. Hashem takes away their ability to see. OK, they got the good-looking girl or the rich guy, then they come running to me after the sheva brachot (7 honeymoon days) crying that they made a terrible mistake.

On the other hand, those who go into shidduchim with pure and innocent emuna succeed. Why? Since they’re dependent on Hashem, Hashem shows them the soul-mates blemishes before the wedding. They accept the soul-mate as he or she is and end up being happily married.

My rabbi in Yeshiva suggested that I meet the young lady who is today my wife and the mother of my eleven children, may Hashem bless them. I heard that she was an outstanding young lady. My rabbi wanted to give me all kinds of details, but I neither questioned nor investigated. I prayed.

I said, “Hashem, I have no idea how to pick a soul-mate or what is best for me. I don’t have such tools. I trust You. Please let me meet the right one.” I threw it all in Hashem’s hands and the facts speak for themselves.

A person who reads my books and listens to my CDs heard me say that one needs to look for the basic good qualities – good character and a good heart. He took my advice. Someone suggested that he meet a handicapped girl. He hesitated, but he remembered my teachings and agreed. He married her and they had beautiful children, inside and out. After one of my lessons, he came up to me and said, “Yes, Rabbi, my wife had polio as a little girl and was left with a handicapped leg, but she is so pleasant, such a fantastic wife and mother with such a beautiful personality that I thank Hashem and you for her every day.” If that person would not have approached shidduchim with simple emuna, he’d have missed his soul-mate!

The Steipler osb”m once told several older bachelors, “You met your soul-mate but you pushed her away with both hands.”

If you’re married, know that your soul-mate is no mistake. And, if you’re still single or looking for matches for your children, don’t be a wise-guy; approach the matchmaking process with innocence, emuna and tons of prayer. Make sure that the basics (heart and character) are good then leave the rest up to Hashem. And remember – a good heart outweighs a pretty face or a big bank account, both of which can disappear ever so quickly. Yet, the good heart always stays.