The Garden of Nagging Wives

Once upon a time there lived an exceptionally beautiful woman named Racheli Eugenie. So beautiful was she, that Brad Pitt Napoleon III of France, the nephew of Napoleon Bonaparte, decided he must marry her.

No matter that she was of Iraqi insignificant descent. He decided that her gorgeous looks and killer abs made up for her ordinary bloodline.

Their marriage was blessed with every physical blessing in the world. They had endless riches, fame, power, health, adoration, and wicked good looks. But soon enough, however, their marriage took a severe downturn, so down it went right to Gehinnom.

Unfortunately, all of the wealth and fame in the world couldn’t keep Eugenie from killing her marriage. Maybe it was because they didn’t go on enough luxury cruises. Unless they did, which would leave me with nothing to say in her defense.

What exactly did Eugenie do that made Napoleon run for his life?

As Dale Carnegie describes in his book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” Eugenie was a terribly jealous person. She knew her husband was a catch, and was always suspicious that he was cheating on her.

Did people do such things back then? LOLOLOLOL!!

She disrespected him, interrupted his important meetings, interrupted him when he spoke, complained, complained, and complained some more. She even hit and abused him.

But worst of all, she nagged the #*(@ out of him.

How is nagging worse than abuse?

Good question, to which I do not have the answer for.

In any case, Napoleon, Emperor of France, owner of 12 spectacular palaces, didn’t have a single bathroom in which to hide from Eugenie, his wicked witch of a wife.

Carnegie asks what Eugenie accomplished by all this.

Good question, to which he provides us with the answer.

Napoleon actually turned into the cheating womanizer that she had accused him of.

Now men, before you go and blame yo’ cheatin’ on yo’ womenz, hold up. Let me continue.

Carnegie writes: “Neither royalty nor beauty can keep love alive amongst the poisonous fumes of nagging.”

He continues: “Of all the sure-fire, infernal devices ever invented by all of the devils in hell for destroying love, nagging is the deadliest… Like the bite of the king cobra, it always destroys, always kills.”

Wow.

Thank G-d nagging isn’t my weapon of choice. Unfortunately, I have plenty of other weapons in my arsenal, but whatever. This article isn’t about me. I mean, it kinda is, but just a little bit.

Ladies! Listen up!

Are you nagging your husbands? Are you annoying them to the point where they either ignore you completely or explode? Are you constantly finding fault with everything they do?

Well, STOP.

It doesn’t matter how many times they step on that pillow on the floor that looks invisible to everyone else in the room except for you. It doesn’t matter that they’re not willing to hear all about your hard day, and believe me, I know you have hard days. It doesn’t matter that they’re like an anti-social mute when they get home from work.

So what’s the root of the problem with nagging? I mean, is it really that big of a deal?

The problem with nagging is that it sets the stage for major arguments.

Imagine that your husband is a tree and you’re a woodpecker. (Seriously, I’m in awe of this brilliant example!) How much pecking on his head can he take before he retaliates? He can try to ignore the pecking by numbing himself to it, but you’re still boring a hole in his head.

Not very nice or considerate.

You know what happens to a man who has a hole in his head?

His love for you starts to escape. Little does he know that suddenly, he’s become vulnerable to the women around him. His mind is open (literally) and all kinds of thoughts and desires are welcome to enter.

Eventually, he finds himself suddenly engrossed in an “innocent” conversation with his secretary, nurse, or legal assistant, and before he realizes it, he’s having an affair.

And why?

Here, in his overly friendly and concerned business associate, he finds a woman who respects him, finds his power attractive, and treats him nicely. Most importantly, he finds a woman who doesn’t nag him to death.

Is it really such a stretch to go from devoted husband to cheating POS?

Unfortunately, it’s not.

Now ladies, before you start sending me threatening emails for putting the blame on you, please realize two things.

First, everything I wrote is straight out of Women’s Wisdom. Rav Arush and Dale Carnegie are both on the same page about this issue. So go blame them if you have a problem with what I wrote. Then get yourself a copy of the book.

Second, I know, as a woman, that you are likely justified in your complaints about your husband. It’s absolutely possible that he doesn’t give you the attention and affection you need as a wife. I totally get that.

BUT!

There’s a right way and a wrong way to communicate!

If you have a problem with your husband, sit him down and discuss your problem like an adult. Take him to a therapist or a mediator if you’re having trouble expressing your feelings. It’s okay! Most of us have a hard time letting our guard down and looking vulnerable when we’ve been hurt.

The point is, if you nag instead of approach him like a rational adult, you will both lose. And what a shame.

Most marriages can be easily turned around with just a little proper communication. And a luxury cruise. That always helps.

But hey, you husbands out there! Before you yell, “BOOYAH!” and give me my well-deserved standing ovation, I’m not letting you off the hook so easily!

It takes two to have relationship problems, and you ain’t no innocent bystander.

So stick around for my next “Garden” installment, and I’ll explain to you just how y’all are contributing to the nagging death.

Ha! What a great name for a plague!

Imagine this sign on a headstone: “Here lies Napoleon, who died by the Nagging Death. It was a long, slow, and torturous death.”

But seriously ladies, stop the nagging. It’s not doing you or your family any good.

And take a cruise, for G-d’s sake. There’s nothing like a little romance to spark the flame again!