All in the Family

“They’re creepy and they’re kooky

Mysterious and spooky

They’re all together hooky

The Addams Family…”

Ahh family! What joy! What happiness! What politics! Don’t you just love it? Whenever we have politics in my family, I always come to the same conclusion: I’m moving. Preferably to a foreign country. But when I come to my senses, I realize that family politics are just one more way Hashem is teaching me how it feels to be Him. And when I think of how much God “suffers” from His children and their politics, it makes me sad and it makes me try harder to lessen any tension within my own family. If I feel disturbed when my kids have issues with each other, imagine what God feels when his nation fights!

I saw a video of yeshiva boys throwing chairs, book-stands (shtenders), and books at each other last week in one of the most prestigious Torah Academies in the world. I could not believe what I was seeing! That anyone could imagine that acting that way is even remotely close to “for the sake of heaven” shows that they are living deep inside la-la land. How could any conflict be holy if it results in such hatred and violence among brothers? I had to turn away; it was too painful to see.

I am blessed with a big, beautiful family and for the most part there is harmony and respect, but sometimes things get messy, complicated, and painful. Each person has an evil inclination, after all, and his own set of psychological challenges, so like every family we have to work on keeping things as healthy as possible.

That can be a real challenge. The first thing you need is a strong sense of self. It is very common to be enmeshed with one’s family to the point that you get involved with issues that are none of your business.

Good boundaries are important for getting along. Families are made up of individuals and we do not have to act or move as a cult. Everyone has a different way of doing things and unless your opinion is sought, it is best to keep it to yourself.

On the other hand, what do we do if we see someone we love heading in the wrong direction?

As a mother, this is a real challenge for me. Most of my children are grown and have children of their own. They’re adults who have free will and can think for themselves. In addition to that, we are spiritually weaker than in previous generations and we lack the ability to properly give or receive rebuke. We have to think ten times before we say anything that may hurt someone, and we also have to work to not feel shamed and defensive when we ourselves receive anything less than positive feedback.

We need to guard against speaking lashon hara (slander) about family members, making emotional triangles and creating “sides”.

Sometimes family members are afraid to talk to each other directly and may try to get some other relative to do it. Don’t make someone else do your relating for you and don’t become someone else’s “flying monkey” (the one who does the “dirty work” for someone else).

It’s also important when bringing up a touchy topic, to be clear what your goal is and be careful to keep focused on the issue at hand. Be prepared to hear the other person’s point of view.

Sometimes, no matter how sensitive or skillful we try to be, people will feel hurt by our words or actions.

Feeling hurt is usually a decision. Sometimes we get hurt because of what we make something mean, how we interpret another person’s behavior and how accustomed we are to play the victim.

Keeping Hashem in the picture helps us remember that everything is for our growth, even misunderstandings and conflicts. Most people are trying their best to do the right thing.

Many of us must accept the fact that our family is not the fantasy family of our dreams. Not every parent is nurturing, not every sibling is a friend, not every child is balanced.

What we can take comfort in, is that in the future all God’s children will feel as one, when the final Beis HaMikdash stands as testimony to our unity in loving and honoring Hashem, who remains the revered Head of our family, as kooky as we may be.