Getting to Know You

Being in therapy takes guts. Ask anyone who has been in it for a while (not two weeks) and they will tell you that it can be excruciating to face yourself and your weaknesses. But it can also be fun to really analyze your misconceptions, unrealistic expectations, and unhealthy insistence on playing the victim, the tzaddik, the hero, the family psychologist, the helpless baby, or God. The best clients are those that can laugh at themselves.

Many times, we don’t know what motivates us to act or react the way we do. We may have no clue why we have those horrible fights with our spouses, those awful power struggles with our kids, or the anger we experience towards our parents. Many of us may be completely mystified as to why we seem stuck in self-defeating behaviors that persist into adulthood.

Everyone has an evil inclination. It doesn’t matter if you grew up in a normal home or were raised by complete lunatics; you are going to have issues. And even if you are fairly sane, Hashem may send you a real mental case for a spouse which will naturally affect your own behavior, although I would not know from personal experience because (in case my husband ever reads this article) I was blessed with an exceptional spouse who has never once made me crazy. But I digress.

The point I’m making is that, while understanding yourself can take courage, money and time, it is usually well worth it.

When we over-react to any given situation there is nearly always an old feeling from our childhood that is being re-activated. Today they call these triggers.

If for example you were severely neglected as a child, any sense that you are being ignored, dismissed, diminished, or overlooked may evoke strong feelings of hurt and anger way beyond what the situation calls for. Before you know it, you find yourself feeling victimized.

If a man was constantly criticized by parents and teachers while growing up, he might become unreasonably defensive at his wife’s slightest complaint, which then leads into a big argument. The husband is responding to much more than his wife’s complaint.

I have one client who was only in grade school when her father got sick and was taken to the hospital. He died later that day and she never got to say goodbye to him. Every time my client’s husband is late coming home, she imagines the worst and calls him repeatedly to check that he is okay, which is exactly what her mom used to do to her after the father’s death. In the beginning of their marriage, this obsessive checking on him annoyed the husband to no end. When we were able to trace the source of her fear, we could deal with it.

In addition to psychological insight though, a person needs emuna to get through life with any measure of serenity. Repeating “ein od milvado” (there is nothing other than God) will help us to accept that whatever will be will be and all the fear in the world will not prevent anything that Hashem decides will or will not happen. You cannot impress or influence God by how much you worry. He wants our faith, not our fretting. We pray for health, for safety, for security and sweet blessings but we must know above all else that we do not know what God knows. And even if He were to explain it to us, to give us every bit of information relevant to our current situation, our minds would be unable to grasp it.

Imagine explaining to your baby why he can’t eat the crayons or why he has to take a nap. You could talk to him for hours and he still wouldn’t get it. So, it isn’t that we lack information, it’s that we don’t have the capacity to process God’s wisdom, even if He did explain, which He doesn’t have to of course, because He’s God. We never need to feel that life is unfair or because we are suffering Hashem doesn’t love us. “I am with him in distress.” (Psalm 91)

We can never understand God but as the saying goes, “I wouldn’t want to worship a God I understand.” However, we can work on understanding ourselves and refining our character traits. Knowing yourself, having compassion on yourself, increasing faith in yourself and taking responsibility for your own wackiness has many benefits. You will have better relationships; more self-respect and it will be easier to fulfill your personal mission.