Beware of Expectations!

I remember when I came down with the flu, shortly after getting married. I laid in bed, weak, in pain and lonely. The hours went by and I kept wondering where my husband was. Why hadn’t he come into our room to check on me? I needed him to offer me tea, another blanket, aspirin. I needed him to come in, for crying out loud, to see if I was still alive! What the heck was this? How dare he be so uncaring? What kind of cold-blooded man had I married?

When I finally managed to stumble out of bed, looking like a wild-haired zombie in a nightgown, I found him sitting in the kitchen having a cup of coffee. He was delighted to see me. But that didn’t last long. Boy, did I give him the business! He got the lecture of his life for the cruel neglect he had subjected me to. My husband was in complete shock. He had purposely left me alone, he explained. He had actually controlled himself from coming into the bedroom so he wouldn’t wake me up. Why, he had made a HUGE sacrifice, sitting in the kitchen all alone, without me to make him breakfast. He was astounded by my accusations. I was astonished that he was astounded.

It took a while for us to figure out the problem. In my house, sick family members got lots of attention. They were propped up on the couch with pillows and blankets, in full view for everyone to worry about and fuss over. Ginger ale and cinnamon toast was served on a tray along with comic books and the remote control. The coffee table became the medical equipment department with thermometer, painkillers, Vick’s Vapor Rub, Luden’s cherry cough drops, tissues, and an ice bucket right nearby. Even my father, who was normally remote and preoccupied, became concerned and solicitous. Really it’s a wonder I never became a hypochondriac because it was so much fun feeling horrible.

When my kids were little I did the same for them. The living room became their kingdom and through the haze of their colds and fevers, they could survey the household and issue commands. How could anyone ever abandon a sick person in another room and leave them alone with their coughing and sneezing? What if they suddenly needed orange juice? Or a deck of cards!

My husband’s reaction to my situation made no sense to me until he explained that in HIS house people were left alone to heal in peace and quiet. No one was to disturb the patient until they emerged from their chamber. My husband was just doing what was done in his family. I had misunderstood my husband’s actions. There had been no malicious intent, no neglect, no coldness, no cruelty. When he was young and feeling sick, his working mother usually couldn’t stay home and pamper him. He learned at a young age to take care of himself.

And he did a good job. When we got married it was him who knew how to cook, not me. He also knew how to sew on a button and when our first son was born (before there were Pampers or Huggies) he showed me how to change a diaper.

Don’t assume your spouse is uncaring. We need to know that every family has its own style of doing things and its own circumstances, which make those styles comfortable or necessary.

Most people aren’t used to having discussions about expectations. They haven’t learned to examine their own expectations closely. Are they legitimate? Do they fit your spouse’s personality, your financial level, your family circumstances? Are they too high (or too low)? Have your expectations been communicated in simple terms that are non-accusatory? Are your expectations actually neurotic demands? Good is not good when better is expected.

Knowing the answers to these questions can help smooth the way towards helping yourself and your spouse feel cherished and satisfied. Beware of your unspoken or unrealistic expectations. They can often be an obstacle to peace.