My Mom Ruined My Life!

Dear Racheli,

I’m a 23-year-old Shomer Shabbat guy who was hoping to marry my last girlfriend. Unfortunately, my mom meddled until she finally succeeded in breaking us up. She told me that my girlfriend was too needy and insecure, because she was always demanding that I buy her gifts and be by her side constantly. She also used to constantly point out my mistakes as well as how her ex-boyfriend was better, and has broken up with me a number of times. Nonetheless, I still love her and feel that she was “The One.” I don’t know what to do.

Eli

Eli,  how can I put this lightly…

You seem to be suffering from a severe deficiency in emuna and an inflated male ego. Redundant, I know.

So here’s the good news and the bad news.

The first one is definitely curable. The second one – not so much…  

Now that I’ve totally ruined your day, let’s get on with trying to fix this mess.

First, let’s point out the, um, key points that you’ve stated about your girlfriend. You said she’s demanding, both emotionally and materially. She also compares you to her ex and has broken up with you many times.

Eli, let me ask you something. Is this your first girlfriend? Because boy, she’s taking you for a ride!

I realize you’re telling me your side of the story and your girlfriend has her own side, but I can only give you my opinion based on what you’re telling me. Just an FYI.

My dear, sweet child. You are not a human punching bag, floor rag, or doormat to be walked on or wipe the floor with. Or beat up. You are a human being (I hope) with feelings and needs, and those feelings are not meant to be manipulated or crushed.

The fact that your girlfriend treats you like dirt should have been enough on its own to make you walk. But for whatever reason, it wasn’t. You put up with it. I don’t know you, but I would bet big money that you were miserable. Likely you won’t admit that to anyone, but you can’t hide the truth from yourself. No person in their right mind would be happy in such a relationship.

Now let’s move on to the severe emuna deficiency you’re suffering from.

How was I able to come to such a brilliant diagnosis? Simple. You blamed your mother for ending your relationship. Honestly, Eli, I’m a little surprised. You say you keep Shabbat, which makes you somewhat religious, but you seem to have very little belief in Hashem.

Who do you think runs the world? Hopefully you answered “Hashem.” Well, if Hashem runs the world, what does that make your mom? His messenger. Since you’re not Moshe Rabbeinu, I’m probably right when I say that Hashem doesn’t speak with you directly. So in your case (and everyone else in the world,) Hashem communicates with you via different people and situations.

In this situation, He was giving you the message loud and clear through your mom. And instead of thanking her for doing such a great job as a responsible, loving mother and a faithful messenger of Hashem, you blame her for ruining your life.

Now that’s not very nice or emuna-ish, is it.

Here’s another relationship tip: moms have great people radar, especially when it comes to people their kids are friends with or in relationships with. Assuming your mom is normal (which it sounds like she is,) she was doing the right thing by giving you repeated warnings.

Her life experience, wisdom, and BG Radar (Bad Girlfriend) were all giving her the signal that her son is on the road to disaster, and she must do what she can to save him.

And believe me, she really did save you.

Which leads me to my third Nobel Prize-winning diagnosis: your male ego is humongous!

Really, all male egos are. But the fact that you thought your mom was wrong and still think your mom was wrong shows me that you really believe you know better than her. Plus it shows me that you can’t take a message from your mom that doesn’t jive with your perspective.

Listen, Eli. You sound like a really good guy, but you have a lot of growing up to do.

Let’s recap what we discussed. First, you should never, ever tolerate being treated like you were. Second, you need to train yourself to see Hashem behind the scenes of every situation in your life. Third, you need to apologize to your mom. She did the right thing, and you should be grateful for that.

For full effect, let’s see where you likely would have ended up 20 years from now if you had married this girl. Assuming she would have stayed the same way, she would have been a nagging, materially-insatiable wife who would not be satisfied, no matter how much you gave her. You would become increasingly resentful, because as a good husband that wants to please his wife, you can’t understand for the life of you why nothing you do is ever good enough. And if you have kids, they would be brought up in a home of constant bickering and tension.

Instead of happily ever after, your marriage would end in a messy divorce with her suing you for everything you own, and then some.

Call me judgmental, but this is the way these types of relationships usually go.

Eli, you deserve a good girl; a girl that will be your partner in life, not your demanding owner. You are no one’s slave or puppy dog. You deserve a girl that will build you up, as a good wife should. She should be confident and have a sense of independence, because a person who is clingy and demanding usually suffers from low self-esteem.

I can’t tell you exactly how to spot this kind of girl, but I can give you a great hint.

Look at her smile.

If it’s a genuine, big, not-holding-back type of smile, it could be that this kind of girl would be right for you. If she smiles a lot, that’s a huge plus. If she puts on a fake smile, hardly smiles, smiles for a split second, or smiles like it hurts, run the other way!

I hope these tips will help you find the girl of your dreams!