When One Door Closes

When one door closes…

I cried today. A lot. The tears welled up and spilled over onto my cheeks again and again. Strangely though, I wasn’t sad. There was nothing wrong. In fact everything was going so right I could see Hashem answering my prayers right in front of me. Crying seemed like the wrong response to the news of the day but there I was, tissue box stationed beside my keyboard as I tried to make it through the workday (and numerous video conferences) without everyone thinking I’d lost my mind.

I’ve only cried like this once before… the last day of fourth grade. Oh how I adored my teacher. School had been so much fun that year and now it was over. I was moving on. Change was happening and I was thrilled to be heading off for summer break and onto fifth grade. Even so, the tears flowed that day.

So today, as the tears flowed and I repeatedly texted my consoling (yet totally bewildered) husband, “I can’t stop crying!” “I’m emotional!” “I’m not sad, but I keep crying!” I flashed back to my fourth grade self as she sat bawling in her desk with a consoling (yet totally bewildered) teacher telling her, “It’s going to be alright.” I knew it would be all right then and I knew it was all right today. But the waterworks didn’t care.

Today someone I’ve truly enjoyed working with resigned from their position (as my direct supervisor) and left the company. We’ve worked together a long time and I’m going to miss our daily interactions.  This individual has helped me grow into a better person and I’m so thankful to Hashem for our time together. Interestingly though, through their leaving I see a door closing and a potential for many other doors opening. This is where my prayers come in.

For months now, I’ve been praying for a change – a big change. It is such a big change I could not imagine how it could happen. And then, before lighting the candles for the 8^th night of Chanukah, I read a teaching from the holy Kedushat Levi from the town of Berditchev who died in 1809:

“8^th night – The number 8 is above nature, and we know that there is nothing that G-d cannot do. He is above nature. This last night of Chanukah is a very powerful day to pray for anything that feels completely out of your reach…”

So I prayed. I prayed to have emuna that I did not need to figure out how to make this change… that Hashem already had the solution.

Quickly, Hashem showed me he could easily close a door that I thought would be open for a very long time. With my supervisor departing, I might lose my job because the replacement can bring his own support staff with them. This “losing my job” door is one I never considered; when that possibility clicked in my brain a light suddenly clicked on and I could start to glimpse all of the wondrous possibilities.

If I lose my job, the change I desire could happen in any number of ways. If I don’t lose my job, there are still other ways the change can occur. I was no longer trapped in despair thinking there was no solution. There was a solution, many solutions, and Hashem has everything under control.

Hashem doesn’t need our worry. We are not doing Him or ourselves any good by stressing and noodling over how to bring about this or that desire. I’ve spent so much time over the last months trying to figure out how to make this significant change in my life. It was a puzzle I just couldn’t solve. Today Hashem said “Look! I can move this over here. Give that person a new desire (for their benefit as well). Bing, Bang, Boom. Change now possible.”

Although I’m not sure Hashem would literally say “bing bang boom” I think you get my point. For Hashem everything is possible and therefore everything is possible for each and every one of us. So turn those worries, desires and questions right on over to Hashem. Don’t waste time trying to solve the (seemingly) unsolvable because we’ve been blessed with a Father in Heaven who is the Master puzzle solver. All we need to do is engage our emuna and keep praying…. Because one way or another it’s all going to work out for the very best.  

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Jennifer invites you to participate in a regularly held on-line study group that reviews the garden series books of Rabbi Arush. You can contact her at jenniferjwoodward@gmail.com to be added to the weekly newsletter for dates and times.