Stop Abusing Yourself

Dear Racheli,

My husband and I have been married for 14 years and we have three children. He is verbally abusive and has come close to hitting me on several occasions. He degrades the children as well and has hit them many times. I have recently started learning about emuna, and I’m wondering why Hashem is letting this happen to me. If He loves me, why did He put me in an abusive relationship? And also, if two marriage partners are soulmates, doesn’t this further mean that I am meant to stay married to this man? Please clarify.

Brooke

Brooke!

You’ve just asked two of the famous Million Dollar Questions! I’m going to answer you and later I’ll send you my bank info so you can express wire me my million dollars.

First, let me say that I’m truly heartbroken that you are in such a terrible marriage! This is no way to live! I hope that what I’m about to tell you will shake you out of your complacency and give you the strength and courage to do something that will change your life and the lives of your children for the better. Please forgive me in advance if it seems I am hard on you or completely insensitive. Everything I’m about to tell you is only for your ultimate benefit. Don’t hate me, okay?

Here we go.

Let’s clarify what emuna means, then we’ll talk about your abusive marriage. Emuna means that you believe that everything that happens to you is for your best, and that Hashem has a plan for your ultimate soul correction. Emuna does not mean that you must accept every situation that comes your way!

Every challenge Hashem sends us is a test. Will we react with the predictable victim mentality and blame our situation on others? Or will we try to find the good and the lesson in each challenge, and ultimately grow from it?

Now let’s talk about your marriage. You know this is not a healthy marriage. You know that this man is not a good father and role model for your children. But you’re still married to him.

Tell me honestly, Brooke. Is anyone forcing you to stay with him? Is Hashem Himself demanding that you stay married to this man because, well, since you married him he must be your soulmate?

Why do you blame Hashem for keeping you in this terrible marriage?

I’m so sorry to say it this way, and you’ll probably hate me, but there is no one to blame but yourself.

You allow your husband to treat you this way. Not Hashem.

I just read a very powerful article written by a parenting expert that explains this perfectly. She wrote: “You teach your children how to treat you.” Based on a parent’s behavior, a child learns what they can get away with and what they can’t.

Think about that for a minute.

When you draw clear boundaries, your children learn, by your reaction, what is acceptable and what is not.

The same goes for interpersonal relationships. People quickly learn, by your reaction, where the line is drawn and if they can cross it.

Therefore, if your reaction is inaction, you are sending a clear and subconscious signal that you are willing to tolerate certain things.

I’m assuming your husband has been abusive for most of your marriage. Yet you continue to enable him by allowing him to treat you this way. And on top of it, you feel completely victimized even though you do nothing substantial to stop him.

Brooke, why haven’t you left him? Why are you still allowing him to damage you and your children?

Now let’s talk about how Hashem factors into all this. Yes, Hashem has a plan. He knew what He was doing when He let you marry this man. And I’ll tell you what I believe.

I believe that people stuck in abusive marriages are so beaten down inside, have such low self-esteem, and feel so worthless, that they don’t feel they deserve better. Feelings like this likely come from a childhood trauma. The misleading part is that when we grow up and continue on with our lives, we may feel that we have overcome the mess that the trauma created in us, when in fact it has just been buried deep inside.

But Hashem won’t let that slide. He wants us to work on fixing the damage. So He pairs us up with partners that will show us what inside of us needs fixing.

In other words, Hashem gave you this husband in order for you to decide that you are worth more than what you believe! Brooke, Hashem wants you to stop abusing yourself!

There is no reason you should stay married to such a man! Your test here is to build up your self-worth and self-confidence, and decide that you will not tolerate anyone treating you this way! And then, you will have accessed your tremendous inner strength and accomplished your soul correction with this man.

And imagine the powerful lesson you will be teaching your children! They will see that their mother doesn’t tolerate abuse, and they will learn that they shouldn’t tolerate it either!

Let me make one more thing clear, if you’re still reading this article. The Torah idea of marriage isn’t the same as Hollywood’s glorified, overly romantic, fantastical, happily-ever-after idea of marriage. Yes, we should love and be attracted to our partners. Yes, we should have a romantic relationship. But we don’t live in the movies, so there must be something more to marriage that Hollywood can’t teach us.

Marriage, according to Torah, is about two souls having a very intimate and complex soul correction together. The term “soulmates” is much more than the romantic vision we believe it to be. It’s just two people that have a big spiritual correction together. Your child or best friend can also be a soulmate. It’s not a title that’s just reserved for your spouse.

Brooke, I know it’s a lot to digest, and I encourage you to read and re-read this several times. I also suggest you meet with a good lawyer who can advise you on the best way to go about getting a divorce. You should also find a local rabbi that can be your spiritual guide through all this.

May Hashem bless you with the courage to do what’s right and the strength to make a new and better life for yourself, Amen.

Warmest Wishes,

Racheli