Looking for Luster

Q:

What should I do if I want to marry a pretty girl because I’m concerned about what my friends will say?

A:

If you want to marry a woman just because of your friends, then you’re not a big chacham, a scholar. You’re not too wise. You have to marry a woman with whom you’ll be able to get along and succeed in building a holy house. 

Now, in most cases she’ll be deceived by him. And he’ll be deceived by her. That’s how it always is. At first he tells me, “Ah, her middos, her character traits! Ay yai yai, her middos are so special!” Later he discovers what her middos really are. And the same with his middos…. She ends up coming here to speak with me not because she’s impressed with his middos. I deal with people. And I always have this experience. 

So, get ready for reality. And don’t say it’s not so. At first everybody looks nice and talks nice. But when you get down to living together, it’s not so simple. So you have to make up your mind that no matter what – of course you have to choose the best that you can – but no matter what, you’re going to be deceived anyhow. So make up your mind that no matter what, you’re going to be the best that you can be, and that’s not just skin deep. You’ll keep your mouth closed. You won’t criticize your wife. You won’t criticize your husband. You’ll always say yes. You’ll never say no.

Never say no to your husband or your wife. Even though I know you’re not going to listen, don’t say no anyhow. Don’t say no. Say yes yes. Always say yes.

If you have married children, always be nice to your son-in-law, to your father-in-law. Never say anything wrong to your son-in-law. Never. Don’t give any unsolicited advice. Don’t give him your advice at all. Just give him money and respect. I’ll give you a rule to live by, as I always tell people, with your son-in-law, keep your wallet open and your mouth shut. Money and honor – that’s all you should give him. Also, your daughter-in-law;  give no advice to your daughter-in-law. No advice to your daughter-in-law! Never mix in. Don’t ask your daughter how she’s getting along with her husband. You shouldn’t do that! And she shouldn’t tell you anything. It’s none of your business. None of your business!

A husband and wife – everything is their own business. They shouldn’t tell their parents anything. 

And so when you get married, you have to make up your mind, not only you look for the best, but you yourself have to try to be the best. That’s all. That’s all. You be the best!

Transcribed from Tape # E-192

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Rabbi Avigdor Miller of saintly and blessed memory was one of the great spiritual leaders of Torah Jewry in America during the previous generation. With a courageous commitment to truth, he feared no one but Hashem. As a young man, he left the comforts of America to learn in the Slavodka Yeshiva in Lithuania from 1932-1938. We are honored at Breslev Israel to feature his writings, which we have received from the TorasAvigdor organization in Brooklyn, New York.