Make Me a Match

Only Hashem makes matches, since Hashem does everything! But people often ask me for help with matchmaking for some reason as if I know what I'm talking about. I never claimed to be an expert. It’s just that I happen to have a website out there and my search engine specialist husband positioned it well. So since I end up telling people these things anyway, it makes sense to write them down in one place.

1. Rely on Hashem, and not on people. This should probably go without saying but it's important to keep in perspective. Sometimes we find something or someone and think, "Oh, finally! This is what will help me get married!" But we don't know from where the salvation will come. And if we are relying on Hashem then we have to pray. I talked to Hashem plenty when trying to find a husband, and, thank G-d, I found one. There are plenty of Emuna experts on this site who can explain this better than I can.

2a. Put your best foot forward because you believe in yourself, and you believe that Hashem has the right person picked out for you. Now you have to do your utmost to find him or her. That means have a great picture taken of you, either professionally or by someone you know who is good at picture-taking. There are even some people who specialize in photography for matchmaking! Dress up nicely, and get your hair and makeup done so you catch the eye of the right one! If you are male you probably don’t need makeup.

2b. Have a decent resume where you discuss the things that a potential suitor would want to know about you. You can use existing formats that are out there or contact me for one. It should be written properly, without spelling, grammar or usage mistakes. Get someone to look it over and edit it if necessary. This shows that you want to present yourself well. Would you send out a work resume with mistakes? Also, if you want a stranger to set you up, they have to have some idea of who they are dealing with and what you are looking for in a mate. It’s good to include personal references too if they agree to be your reference. That means anonymous people will call them up and ask about you. However, please do not expect the matchmaker to do a full investigation of who you are or who the other person is and whether every piece of information checks out before suggesting them. That is not her job. That’s the job of the party looking into dating you.

3a. Get good advice from the right person to guide you through the dating process. People rely on matchmakers for advice and as mentors. This reflects that they could use their own personal advisor. Matchmakers are prejudiced. We want to make matches! So you can't completely go by our advice since it's tainted, so to speak.  We are human and are affected by the hope of being successful and maybe even getting paid.

Let’s take an example from certain Chassidic communities – everyone has a mentor! Chabad calls such a person a mashpia, which could be translated as an influencer or someone you can look up to and trust for advice. Ideally, it could be a rabbi or a rebbetzin, or another successfully married person of the same gender who can help you and encourage you through the hurdles of dating, engagement and marriage. Hopefully you would be able to talk to this individual about personal, marital issues which might be embarrassing. That saves you from talking to a parent or relative about said issues which is likely not a great idea. Relatives are also prejudiced and aside from the evil talk involved, rabbis have advised us to not go there.

3b. Take advantage of the kosher dating and marital peace classes and articles that are out there. You can start on Breslev Israel and with Rav Arush’s books that have helped so many people.

There is a lot more to say but that should get you started. May Hashem help you find the right one quickly and easily!