Spaghetti on the Wall

One Tuesday morning, after work, I arrived at shul too late for Shacharit and started my own davening as the minyan was wrapping up. In the middle of my own prayers, given the great shul acoustics, I couldn’t help being distracted by two men who were arguing loudly over some Torah matter. I realized I shouldn’t go over and criticize them for talking loudly but their argument was really distracting me. Finally, my Yetzer convinced me it would be okay if I just made it about me and my inability to concentrate.

I walked over and politely explained that I was having trouble concentrating, would they mind taking their discussion outside? One of them immediately apologized, but the other one got mad at me and yelled at me to go over to a far corner if I was disturbed. Immediately, I realized the Yetzer had tricked me so I just quietly walked away to daven in a corner. After I’d finished davening, I decided to make it right with the two of them. The man who’d gotten angry was still in the sanctuary with me and very nicely accepted my apology.

I walked into the hallway and saw the man who had apologized to me and decided I’d still apologize to him as well for my criticism. He accepted it and then started asking me what I was doing next. This is where the real trouble began. I showed him my Artscroll Gemara that I was slowly making my way through day by day. This he didn’t like at all. He questioned me on something from a page I’d learned several months earlier so of course I didn’t have the answer.

This caused him to launch a thorough criticism of my learning, telling me that it is only proper to master one page of Gemara with Rashi, Tosefot, etc instead of just flying through the Gemara using Artscroll’s English translation and commentary for help. I argued back with him and we continued on for quite some time. At one point, I flat out stated that I couldn’t believe he was criticizing me for any style of learning Hashem’s Torah! After about an hour and a half, I realized this whole event had been one big orchestration by our Yetzers to prevent me from learning at all! Finally, with that realization, I walked away and sat down to learn whatever I could in the time I had left.

Thinking of emuna, I decided to analyze the events to see where I’d went wrong and what I could change going forward. Also, I wanted to understand what messages Hashem was trying to give over to me from the whole mess: 

Lesson 1: Don’t ever criticize, even indirectly.

Lesson 2: Don’t apologize more than necessary.

Lesson 3: Learn to walk away from an argument.

But after that whole fight, I thought about what he’d said. Was Hashem okay with my learning? Maybe this fight was Hashem’s way of telling me I should be learning more in-depth. I just wasn’t sure. (I had not yet learned that Rebbe Nachman and his disciples endorse the way I was already learning.) These doubts proceeded to plague me for the next several days. Watch how Hashem showed me tremendous loving kindness!

Monday night, I learnt Artscroll Daily Dose of Torah, Parshas Yisro. It explained that the Gemara comments on “Don’t Steal”: there is one form of stealing that is kosher, “stealing Torah.” It’s permissible to listen in on people learning Torah out loud without them knowing and to glean/”steal” Torah for yourself.

Tuesday morning, the next day: I’m on the same schedule from last week. Late to Shacharit, daven alone, this time KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT when people are talking loudly. After davening I sat down quietly and listened to the guys learning next to me and “stole” their Torah. After a few minutes, they were finished and left. I focused my hearing outward and tried to pick up any other Torah learning around me. From behind me, I could hear two other people learning and I tuned in right when one of them finished making a point and his partner responded, “So you’re saying it’s okay if a person learns quickly and shallowly because it’s like cooked spaghetti you throw at the wall, some of it is going to stick.” Wow! This person just validated my method for learning Gemara! Hashem arranged for me to learn about “stealing Torah” the night before so that I could listen in on someone approving my method and dispel my doubts about it! Thank You, Hashem!

Right now, maybe your Yetzer is saying to you, “Eh, nice coincidence. What’s so powerful about that?” I’m glad you asked. After hearing the remark about spaghetti, I decided to turn around and see if I knew either of the two guys learning. The guy who made the remark about spaghetti…was THE SAME GUY who argued with me the week before! Hashem, in His loving kindness, in order to dispel my doubts about my Torah learning, arranged for me to hear from the man himself who was the cause of my doubts in the first place! When I realized this, I started trembling and tears actually poured down my face. It was like Hashem Himself had given me a hug and said, “You’re doing great! Keep it up!”

May we all grow in our Emuna and merit to see Hashem’s loving hand at work in our lives more each day until the veil can be fully lifted with the coming of Mashiach and the full redemption of our people, speedily in our days, Amen!