The Winning Loser

Let’s talk about how what’s really important in our lives, something that can get so easily clouded and confused with the pressures of day-to-day life. I’ve been privileged to be with people in the minutes and hours before they were about to pass away. It’s amazing to see the radical “personality changes” that can happen with a terminally-ill person who knows he is imminently about to die. Actually, most of the time, the person isn’t really “changing” at all but rather becoming much more of who he really is, his natural self.

The opportunity to be with people during their final moments on earth was one of the biggest gifts of my life, because people who are about to pass on to the next world don’t fake it. All of a sudden, they have the clarity about what’s really important in life that was “hidden” within them for 70, 80 or 90 years. And it’s not money; it’s not degrees; it’s not the honor that other people give them, or the adrenaline “hit” they get from making another multi-million dollar deal. It all boils down to how much they were able to connect in love to themselves, to others and to G-d.

G-d willing, we’ll all be around until 120 years old, but we don’t have to wait until those final moments to start making a thorough accounting of our own “relationship equations”, starting with our own families. We have to ask ourselves now, while we can still change and still do something about it, how much do we really care for our family members? How giving are we, really? How much do we communicate to our loved ones, on a regular basis, that we are willing to give it all up, if need be, for them?

Most of the time, G-d doesn’t actually call us on our commitment to go the extra mile for our loved ones, but our relatives themselves can feel our sincerity – or lack of sincerity – at every stage of our interactions with them. The eyes are the windows of the soul, and our spouses and children know exactly what we’re really feeling or not feeling.

There is very little love in today’s world. Even people who say that they love each other really don’t. The “love” that they have for each other is based on their expectation that they are going to get something back in return. That’s not real love. It might be kindness, but it’s not love and there’s a difference. The Torah’s definition of love is oneness. The numerical value of the Hebrew words for love, ahava, and one, echad are exactly the same for a reason: we don’t really love someone until we are one with them. They are a part of us. On the level of “oneness” we are no longer even really “giving” in the secular sense, to another person any more than you can really really “give” to yourself. If I’ve lost you, don’t feel bad. We weren’t raised to understand what this means. Granted this ideal is a lofty one but nevertheless we are not exonerated from trying to understand it and reach it.

Why are people getting divorced? Because they were never connected with each other to begin with. Why do you feel that your spouse is not connected to you? Because he isn’t connected to himself. Why are people not connected to themselves? Because they don’t really know who they are – they don’t know themselves on a soul-level and therefore sell themselves short.

When people genuinely feel that the other person would go the distance for them, whatever it takes, however hard it might be, regardless of the amount of self-sacrifice required, marital conflicts go away, and all of a sudden, compromises can happen so easily. I’ve seen people completely reverse “firm” opinions in a few seconds that they hadn’t budged on an iota for weeks, months and even years.

In every “conflict” situation, there always has to be a “winner” and a “loser”. Be the bigger person, and let the other person “win” – and when you do, G-d will give you, as a present, a whole new quality of life, and vitality. You’ll be a “winning loser” for G-d knows that backing down doesn’t come easy to any of us. Once we show G-d that we’re prepared to put “peace” and “connection” ahead of our own feelings of pride, He’ll take care of the rest, and He’ll give us every imaginable blessing, including great kids, peace in the home, health, income, you name it.

G-d sends us these challenges, particularly these relationship challenges, because He doesn’t want to give all the goodies away for free. You just can’t beat the feeling you get when you earned something, compared to just being handed it on a plate. How amazing it is, when we’ve earned those good feelings, that good marriage, those good kids…

But these rewards don’t come easily. We have to stay in the game, and not withdraw from it, or rebel against G-d and the direction He’s taking our lives in. Remember the first step (that most people unfortunately skip) is to get to know yourself on a soul level. When you’ve realized how inherently fantastic, good, holy, kind and loving you are by nature you will start to see past the nasty and objectionable qualities of others because you’ll be recognizing your own deep down good and loving qualities in them too! If we manage to do this, we’ll end up calm, in-control, empowered people who have no fears, and who have great self-esteem and joy. And we will be the kind of people who live much longer, happier lives, and make a much bigger positive difference to the world.