When Nothing Changes

Every time that Sarah tried to speak to her husband Abe about their finances the same thing happened – they ended up yelling at each other and Abe left the house. The sound of the door slamming has become a familiar sound in their home.

The same thing happened when they would speak about anything. It didn’t matter how small the issue was it would always end in the same painful way. They simply couldn’t discuss even the smallest issue. Eventually Sarah and Abe stopped even trying to communicate with each other and started throwing things at each other instead. It didn’t take much time before throwing turned to hitting and a marital separation from each other was necessary. It lasted 8 months.

Sarah was about to seek a divorce from her husband when somebody gave her a copy of the Garden of Emuna in Yiddish. Her physical and emotional wounds were still open, but she decided to give her marriage another chance. After hundreds of attempts at reconciliation, she had no reason to believe that anything would be different this time. What made her try again?

Not logic, only her faith.

When the couple moved back together they had no more ability to deal with each other than they did before. After the long separation, they were both careful to not let things escalate again, but in their hearts they both knew that this “solution” wouldn’t last very long. What possible reason could they have for even trying to live together after all that had happened?

Certainly not logic, but only their faith.

I knew that it would be impossible for Abe and Sarah to talk to each other, even in my presence, unless there was faith. So we spent the first hour talking about hope and faith. They learned to relax in each other’s presence and understood that relaxing was the way to “let G-d in.” They learned that relaxation is a precursor to emuna. Before long they believed that the conversation they were about about “the issues” could somehow be more productive than the ones that they had had in the past.

Why were these young people willing to try and communicate with each other, yet again? They both felt so intensely vulnerable. On one hand they were enjoying the relaxation but on the other hand they felt  vulnerable. Neither one knew just when they might be attacked again by the other and I didn’t have anything my “therapy arsenal” that could help them with this.

What sustained the couple though this potentially explosive situation?

Only their belief that they were no longer alone with this “problem” and that they could tap into “a force for good” that they never had tapped into before. At this point, I don’t think that they really believed that anything would actually change; but they probably did believe that somehow the situation had the potential to create a change for the better.

As they looked at each other with more calmness and ease there was already something intangibly different about the situation. The inner calmness they had learned on their own was now more present between them. They believed that the calmness that they felt was Divine. They believed that their slowed down breathing, muscular comfort and more secure feelings were evidence that G-d was with them. Even though they both felt so vulnerable, it was already a different kind of vulnerability – one that they had not experienced before.

When they began to speak and to listen to each other, it was also not the same type of speaking and listening. It wasn’t that the words that they spoke to each other were that different than the words they had used in the past. They described their positions on the issues in pretty much the same language that they had used in the past. So why didn’t either of them get “triggered” by those emotionally “hot” and emotionally-loaded words like they had in the past? It was because they were now filled with and surrounded by something greater that enabled them to finally see more deeply into what the other was actually saying. They were in possession of a deeper wisdom and understanding of what would satisfy each other.

We went through several “issues” that had been bothering them for a long time and we didn’t resolve anything. Neither one of them agreed to change or do anything different with regard to those “issues” – but they didn’t have to, because they were never the real issues they were fighting about. Only now did they realize that all their spouse really wanted was to be understood and to feel that their partner understood their pain and frustration and to show a willingness to give themselves to the discussion. Their willingness to trust that a resolution would be found was the strengthening element that they had not had before.

The “new idea” that somehow Hashem is helping them by giving them a gift from his storehouse of infinite resources and possibilities has put their marriage back on the map and given them the strength to realize that sometimes there is no concrete solution to tough issues. However, staying connected to their love and belief in their marriage gives them the patience to endure and accept that for now the “reality” situation cannot change and that this is precisely what they need.

May Hashem continue to help all who believe in Him. Amen.