She’s Number One!

I was slammed with homework assignments each of which would take at least an hour to do. My stress level had already kicked my Emuna in the knee and I was suffering. Complaining about my lot, complaining about the challenges of the work, and doubting myself, I only felt bitter. This is what I felt on my one-year anniversary.

My fingers were moving at light speed while I typed and tried to get these assignments done. ‘I never have time to learn Torah because of all these deadlines,’ I stammered as I was swamped with work and making excuses for not being better organized. I knew it was my anniversary and my wife was so happy but I felt still a huge pressure to finish all of these obligations. To put it bluntly, I wasn’t feeling the anniversary at all, it was the last thing on my mind.

Nothing had been planned, as far as I wanted, it would have been perfectly fine for me to spend the afternoon and evening working on the laptop cranking out my tasks. But my wife had other plans. “David, c’mon let’s go out I know you have a lot of work but it’s our anniversary!! Let’s get outta here and do something.” My toes crunched as I thought that I was about to explode from all of the stress, exactly what I need now – Shalom Bayit problems and unfinished tasks that need to get done.

By the great kindness of Hashem, I didn’t explode nor did I make a face of disappointment (although I have failed plenty of times in this area previously).  I just folded down the laptop, and went. I canceled myself to her. It wasn’t easy, sometimes we all get into the situations when we just need to listen to our wives and leave the rest behind. This is what Rabbi Shalom Arush calls “Making her first place” in chapter three of the book “The Garden of Peace: A Maritial Guide for Men Only.” In this chapter the Rabbi explains that, “when a wife sees that a husband does everything in his power to please her, then she’ll really feels like she’s in first place in his life. This feeling gives her indescribable joy, strength, and vitality. He is ultimately the one that benefits from all his sacrifices for her. Her payback is tenfold from whatever he invests in making her feel like she’s number one.“

Going down the stairs from my Jerusalem apartment I was suffering from an attack of the Yetzer Hara or evil inclination, “What do ya need to go out for !? She knows you love her, you got things to do! This is a waste of time!!!”  As men we have an innate tendency to primarily concern ourselves with our work, and Torah learning. Though we may consider ourselves good husbands by doing the things our wives ask, let’s ask ourselves one thing, “Am I doing what she wants with a smile? Or do I feel like I have a monsoon storm in my head?”

If you answered positively to the first, I want your email so that you can teach me because I don’t always succeed in this area. Those of us who mostly answer positively to the second need to question, “What am I learning the Torah for?” The real answer is that as heads of families, we learn the Torah to show the true way of Torah life. That means listening to others, paying attention to others, and conceding our wants for others. It means supporting others, and accepting complaints without being offended. We need to be men, and perform the small favors for our wives. This is the Torah being actualized.

Well off we went to a great coffee shop in the German Colony here in Jerusalem. Along the ride, my wife told me something that left a tear streaming down my eye.

“David, do you know where were going?” she said.

“Uhh, ya for a coffee and cake” I replied.  

“Well that’s not all, in another 45 minutes you have a private meeting with Rabbi Shalom Arush!” she said with excitement.

I was speechless, but my eyes were all wet. I almost blew it like the many times I had in the past. Not caring enough about the relationship and just about me finishing what I need to get done.

My time with the Rav was short, but everlasting at the same time. What I am happy about the most is that I got to tell him that the main reason why my wife has a smile on her face is because of his phenomenal marital guide to marriage “The Garden of Peace.” 

Homework:

If you are married or want to be, learn this book for a smiling wife!