Slingshot

I’m a visual person – I like graphs and lists and pictures and doodles in the margins of my pages… or all over my page sometimes. Writing draws me in and allows my true voice to speak as I silent the noise of the world from my mind.  It is a meditation of sorts I suppose. As I stare at the blank journal pages I often do not know what I’m there to write, I simply know I need to write. Often the pages will start out with something simple, the weather, the time, even stating that I don’t know what to write, is generally enough to open the floodgates and the words flow onto the page with little effort. I will read what I have written, repeatedly sometimes, thankful for the opportunity to express that which I did not even know needed acknowledgement.
 
As Hashem has led me to Breslev and Rabbi Nachman’s teachings of personal prayer I realize that my basically life-long need for expression through writing was my soul yearning to connect with its Creator.   It is of no surprise then that my personal prayer sessions take on a very similar pattern of my journaling. I am there, staring at this beautiful blank page of opportunity to speak with my loving Father in Heaven not always knowing what I’m there to say, simply knowing I need to talk. And so I start and eventually the floodgates open and the words come forth. There are times at which the words stop like a comfortable pause in a conversation with a trusted friend, times when the only option is to sing, times when the tears flow, times when there just isn’t enough time to say everything that needs to be said, and times when the words just won’t come at all no matter how long I try. I find that my attitude is a major determining factor in how the time goes.
 
I experienced some attitude challenges lately, attempts from the evil inclination (EI) to pull down my attitude into deeply negative thoughts and feelings. I was frustrated and tired of fighting the negativity – I wanted to give in and just accept that I was in a “bad mood”. I felt stuck – as if I’d slid all the way back down into the muck and mire that Hashem had so lovingly pulled me out of. I didn’t feel like praying, I didn’t feel like writing – each night I was excited to go to sleep just so that I could “shut off” for a short time.
 
Then I remembered a lesson I had heard from Rabbi Brody – he spoke of the downs being a necessary part of the ups. I envisioned a slingshot with the shot being pulled not only backwards but also down in order to shoot the shot in a beautiful upward and forward arc as it headed for its target.
 
Visualizing my life as a line graph in which my emotional / spiritual ups and downs where charted I could identify a bold separation line – life before emuna and life after emuna.
 
Here’s the interesting thing with viewing this chart from an emuna perspective: it showed my earlier ups and downs all catawampus.
 
Before emuna, when I thought I was up – doing the things the world told me where good and right and fun – I was actually very far down. And when I thought I was down – doing the things that the world told me were stuffy and boring – I was actually up.
 
Now, after emuna, my perspective on the causes of ups and down is so very different. As I looked at my ups and downs after learning emuna I could clearly see how each time I felt myself going low Hashem cared for me and prepared me for the inevitable upward movement. It was so clear that this process is all for the very best!
 
“Oh, if I had known this lesson earlier in my life I would have been saved so much strife” I thought. And then I remembered that that “before emuna” time – all of those years – was also a part of this amazing life slingshot. That first moment of learning about and embracing emuna was the instant of release from the drawn back sling and the beginning of my journey upward and forward towards my life’s target… my life’s mission.
 
 
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Jennifer invites you to participate in a regularly held Noahide on-line study group that reviews the garden series books of Rabbi Arush. You can contact her at jenniferjwoodward@gmail.com for dates and times.