Settling for Love

Dear Racheli,

I recently met a guy online and we really clicked. He seems to be a great guy and we both have similar life goals. However, he doesn’t live in Israel and I do. There’s also another slight issue- he’s not Jewish, but he’s very strongly thinking about converting. He wants to come visit me, and possibly stay here. He’s even talking about marriage! I’m almost 30 and ready to settle down. What do you think?

Shachar

Darling,

Where, oh where shall we begin? Let’s begin at the end: NO WAY.

Now let’s break it down into all the reasons why this is not a good match.

First: you met a guy online. Generally that’s not a good idea. In fact, I think it’s a really bad idea- especially if you don’t have a good friend in common. At least, if someone introduced you two, your mutual friend could vouch for him and tell you all kinds of positive embellishments about him.

Since you don’t have any inside information on him, in his mind, he has a clean slate. For all you know, he could be a pedophile or a rapist, or both, G-d forbid! Shachar, just because a guy is charming, acts genuine, and says all the right things, that doesn’t mean he’s a good guy!

Let me repeat that for all you single ladies out there: Just because a guy is charming, acts genuine, and says all the right things, that doesn’t mean he’s a good guy!

To make matters worse, you met this guy in the most impersonal way possible- online. You probably typed to each other for a while before you actually spoke (assuming you even spoke on the phone with him!).  And who knows how you met this guy in the first place? Even if it was a Jewish dating site, he’s not Jewish; so what was he doing looking for a Jewish girl to begin with?

Which leads me to the next point: He’s not Jewish, and you are. Shachar, I don’t know how observant you are, but the fact that you pointed out this difference between you tells me that you have, at the very least, a strong Jewish identity. You see yourself as a Jewish Israeli woman, and not just an Israeli woman who happens to be Jewish.

That being the case, it seems that you are looking for a guy who wants to lead a spiritually-oriented, Torah-based life with you. Good for you! So, let me ask you: Is there not one guy in all of Israel that meets this criteria?

Do you really need to go looking outside this entire country in order to find your soulmate?

Hashem clearly has His eyes on you, because He brought a guy into your life who isn’t Jewish- just to show you that you won’t find what you’re looking for anywhere but here, in Israel!

The main problem with intermarriage is that, even though in the beginning the two of you may agree on how you want to raise the children, there is a chance that he may change his mind and want to incorporate his religion into their upbringing. What will you do then?

Which leads me to point three: he’s thinking about converting. Sure. And I’m thinking about taking a two-week cruise through Europe. That doesn’t mean that either one is going to happen! By your age, I am assuming he’s at least 30, and likely older. If he were really that interested in becoming a righteous convert, why hasn’t he started the process yet? What is he waiting for- Mashiach?

Shachar, I don’t think he’s serious about converting. I think he’s telling you that because that’s what (many) guys do. They target the girl’s points of interest and use them for shameless self-promotion. “Oh, you’re a plastic surgeon?” he asks, “I was thinking of going to medical school so I can join Doctors Without Borders! What a coincidence!” Coincidence, indeed.

Fourth point: you’re ready to settle down. To me, it sounds like you’re just ready to settle. Shachar, you have a tremendous opportunity right now! Hashem hasn’t sent you the right guy because He wants you to be ready for him! That means that you need to know what you want to accomplish in your life, and what kind of man you want to be your partner and your complement.

Imagine that you have a blank paper in front of you, and you can ask Hashem for your perfect man. Well, that is literally how it works! Personal prayer is that blank paper that you can fill with all of your requests!

So start “writing!” Here’s an amazing secret about asking Hashem for what you want. Actually, it’s two secrets. The first secret is that the more you ask Him for your soulmate, you will find yourself discovering new areas of your future husband that you want to tweak, even before you meet him! Everyone wants the same generalities in a future mate. But what about all of the particularities and other unexpected personality quirks that pop up after the wedding?

The other secret is that, through personal prayer, you will learn a ton about yourself. By making more specific requests, you will discover what your strengths and weaknesses are in a relationship. For example, you might discover that you have the ability to care very deeply for another, but you are afraid to show your feelings. Thus you now have the opportunity to ask Hashem to help you come out of your shell, so you can be better able to reciprocate love in your marriage.

Shachar, this guy, although not for you, is a gift. Thank Hashem for helping you to clarify what you want and what you don’t want. Love is not something you should settle for! Wish this guy the best and move on, so you can make room for the one you’re really supposed to be with!

May Hashem give you the perfect husband for you!

Racheli