MMS

Racheli,

I am a happily married mother of a four-year-old boy, and my husband and I would like to have another child. The problem is, my mother is totally against it. My last pregnancy had many complications, and my mother doesn’t want me to risk going through it again. I’m so torn…

Maya

Maya,

Are we sisters? Were we separated at birth? To be honest, I’m so relieved that my mother isn’t the only one with Meddling Mother Syndrome (MMS)! As they say, misery loves company…

Okay, seriously, let’s look at her side first. Assuming you’ve met with your doctor and he gives you the okay to try for another one, even though you may be high-risk, we now have to deal with the other major obstacle: mom. Although we have a very, very hard time believing it, our mothers really do want the best for us. Granted, it’s almost impossible to realize that when they’re driving us crazy with their incessant nagging and criticizing!

The first thing I would recommend is to give your mother a break. You are still her baby, and your well-being comes before everything, even her own life. The next time she nearly bites your ear off for your willingness to put yourself in life-threatening danger, don’t react! Just let her get it out of her system and then thank her for her concern. Don’t turn every conversation about this issue into a fight by going on the defensive. Don’t tell her that she doesn’t understand. Oy, if only I could listen to my own advice…

I’m not a doctor, but I was supposed to be, so that makes me almost an expert on all things medically related. My brilliant diagnosis of MMS (meddling mother syndrome) should have earned me the spin-off to the hit series, House, or at least earned me some easy income from those insanely greedy insurance companies.

You see, MMS is a result of a genetic abnormality which has a prevalence of 99.9% of all females. The gene gets switched on as soon as a woman gives birth. Symptoms include an inability to admit she’s wrong and disproportionate worrying about her children. It is thus far incurable, and any attempts to suppress its symptoms only end up aggravating them. Maybe one day Big Pharma will come to the rescue with a cancer-laden vaccine for this disease. Or maybe they’ll continue trying to one-up Hashem with their genetic manipulation obsession.

Therefore, all efforts on your part to convince her that you know what you’re doing, you’re more informed than she is, or that she’s just plain wrong, will not change her mind whatsoever. She especially won’t hear the last part about being wrong. That word doesn’t get past the blood-brain barrier in mothers with MMS.

Okay, let’s move on to your diagnosis. You and your husband would love to have another child, but your mother is against it. Ummm, excuuuse me, but who asked her??

How many partners are in this marriage? What is this, a love triangle? Last I heard, life decisions are supposed to be made by the husband/wife team, not the husband/wife/mother team!

It seems to me that this issue is pointing at a bigger picture. Maya, I think that you really are stuck in a love triangle- except I’m not so sure that your husband loves his mother-in-law more than his wife! It’s a different kind of love triangle. Actually, it’s more like “Human Tug-of-War.” Did you ever play that game, when two friends each grabbed your arms and simultaneously tried to pull them off while you laughed hysterically? What was the point of such a sadistic game?

Here are some questions that will help you clarify what’s really going on here. Do you find yourself caught in the middle of their opposing viewpoints? Do you have a hard time standing up to your mother in defense of your husband? Is she constantly criticizing your husband and everything he does? Are you always running to her for her opinion about things that don’t concern her? And most of all- is your husband complaining that your mother is too involved in your lives?

I must tell you that I was in a very similar situation. The best thing I did was to move half-way across the world from my mother, so when she starts getting on my case I simply tell her that I can’t hear her as the international phone lines are crossed. The fact that I use VOIP is my little secret…

Maya, it’s time to cut the cord. You need to put a little distance between you and her. You could tell her to back off in a nice way, but it could very likely make her feel insulted. In any case, keep your conversations limited and do your best to keep from asking her opinion or advice on things. This includes complaining to her as well. That’s just another way she can give you a piece of her mind.

If you live near her, don’t go over there every day. Try limiting your visits to once or twice a week. Keep all visits short and sweet, including when she comes to your house.

And here’s another important rule: never, ever complain to her about your husband! This is like the US giving Iraq its firearms, then turning around and complaining of terrorist attacks! You’re just giving her more ammo to use against you in the future! Anything you say can and will be held against him, and will never, ever be forgotten.

Don’t forget to read Women’s Wisdom – The Garden of Peace for Women. Rabbi Arush expands on this advice greatly, with wonderful advice both for couples and their parents so that everyone is happy and successful. And remember, whatever she thinks now, grandmas never complain about more gorgeous grandchildren in the end.

Be strong, Maya. I am sure that as soon as you clarify your mother’s boundaries, the love triangle will live happily ever after- and G-d willing, with a few more little bundles of joy!

Racheli