A Sexist Religion?

Racheli,
 
I grew up frum (religious) from birth, and I am growing increasingly resentful of Judaism. I can’t understand why we have to abide by such sexism in this day and age. I feel completely left out of the picture on Shabbat mornings when I go to services. I also want to do things like Kiddush and put on tefillin- what’s so horrible about that?? If I feel that doing such things will strengthen my connection with God, why can’t I do so? I am just fed up with being forced to sit on the sidelines in a religion that is so spiritual…
Jen
 
 
Jen,
 
First, let me start off by saying I understand where you’re coming from. On the surface, Judaism appears to be a man-favoring religion and an archaic one at that. Men get to do all the fun stuff, it seems, while women get to clean, cook, and pop out baby after baby all at the same time. Talk about sexism! Do you know how many observant women are drowning in laundry to the point that they can’t even find the front door so they can leave the house to go to shul?! And where are the men? Naturally, they’re out working or learning in child-free, nagging-wife-free, air-conditioned (maybe in the U.S.) bliss. The unfairness of it all!
 
Actually, I didn’t even get that deep into my own distaste of Judaism simply because of the fact that I barely knew anything about it to begin with. Somehow, I understood that there was a seemingly sexist aspect to it, yet I never bothered to think further into it, because I wasn’t observant- so what was the point?
 
You, on the other hand, have probably been compelled to live an observant life because your parents are religious. You have never been given the choice of whether being religious is right for you. Believe me when I say that you’re not missing anything. Eating a whopper is no more fun or fulfilling than eating a kosher hamburger. Going out on Friday night is totally empty, and most single people that go out on the weekends are just looking for some easy, no strings attached fun.
 
Here’s where the line between Judaism and the secular world get very blurred- much of your lifestyle has been pervaded and perverted by non-Jewish concepts and ideals, and you have not yet figured out what is what. But don’t feel bad about that. I would venture to say that 99.9% of American Jews, even the most frum, don’t know (or don’t want to know) which aspects of their lifestyle are completely anti-Jewish. So you’re not alone.
 
Let’s look at the notion of equality as one example. This is a completely anti-Torah belief. Judaism certainly has a hierarchy- you have the spiritual leaders of the generation on one end of the spectrum and the common Jew on the other end. There is nothing wrong with this. Each person has their designated role in life. We all need someone to look up to and especially someone that can pull us up spiritually. If the leaders of our generation were on the same level as we were, who could we emulate? Who could we learn from?
 
In the modern, secular world, everyone is equal; everyone is on the same level. Even though one person is a Buddhist from China and his friend is Greek Orthodox, somehow they’re the same. What insanity! What are we, gingerbread men? This idea is absurd, as it’s simply ridiculous to say that two people who are opposite in every way are actually so alike that they could be each other’s body double.
 
There is a darker side to this nonsense- the idea that everyone is equal takes away the person’s individuality. If we’re all the same, then what makes us special and unique? It is a slap in the face of The Creator, Who gave each and every one of us a custom-made special order package of body and soul that no one in the world can replicate.
 
Here’s the other problem with equality- it has taken gender roles and flushed them down the toilet. Literally. There are plenty of unisex bathrooms that bear testimony to this fact.  Now, men and women are supposedly on an equal playing field in modern society- with the exception of salary, of course! It would be totally unfair for men if women made as much as they did in the same capacity of work!
 
Women in recent years have been given great social advantages that weren’t available to them before, such as the right to vote and the right to get a stressful, average-paying job so they can leave their kids home with a nanny who could care less about them. Please note that I’m only referring to women who don’t have to work.  I wrote extensively about this in a previous article, entitled, “The Anti-Feminist Feminist.”
 
As a result, women see themselves as equals to men, and therefore feel they are entitled to live their lives like men do. Incidentally, this is increasingly true in the area of dating; before it was only men looking for one-night stands. But these days, college girls openly admit doing the same thing because they’re just looking for fun without strings. Talk about progressive!
 
The problem is that you’ve grown up in a world that looks and acts Jewish on the surface, yet functions according to the same social norms as the modern Edomites. Therefore, you can’t help but wonder why this social equality hasn’t carried over into traditional Jewish practice.
 
Jen, the Torah is a Divinely-given set of laws that we must follow. Because of its Divine origins, it is not subject to change based on the times that we’re living in. The question is- do you really believe that Judaism is rooted in God? Or do you believe that it is a man-made religion?
 
If you believe it’s from God, then you have to make peace with the fact that God knows a little bit more than you do, and the most you can aspire to be is a servant of God. This is true humility, which is also a good and rare thing these days, particularly in modern society. In order to accept the fact that we are servants of God, we need to put our egocentric world views aside and look at ourselves as just a piece of a grand puzzle.
 
Don’t get me wrong- all of us are extremely important and critical to the entire puzzle. Without just one person, the puzzle is incomplete.
 
The bottom line is that each of us has a specific role in life, both physically and spiritually. A woman’s role in Judaism is to a large extent even more important and vital than a man’s role. It is only because of a woman’s nurturing efforts that her husband and children can grow and flourish in everyday life and in Jewish life as well. She is the foundation and the crown of the family at the same time.
 
It is a great pity that so many women think negatively about their feminine roles, both in the context of Judaism and life in general. I think this is directly connected to the misguided minds of the creators of the feminist movement, who led women to believe that the ideal way to live their lives is to live like men. Get a job like a man, learn like a man, wear pants like a  man, guzzle a six-pack like a man…
 
What’s wrong with being a woman? In your case, what’s wrong with being a Jewish woman? God didn’t tell women to put on tefillin because He thought we were inferior- He didn’t tell us to do it because He gave us other responsibilities! Why do you think that lighting Shabbat candles is inferior to getting an aliyah for the Torah reading? Do you know what a tremendous mitzvah separating the challah is? It’s equivalent to bringing a sacrifice to the High Priest in the Holy Temple!
 
Jen, with all of the tremendous opportunities you have to connect with God, why are you looking for more responsibility? Do you really think that most men enjoy getting up at the crack of dawn and going to pray for at least an hour every day without even having something to eat? Do you think they enjoy wearing woolen tzitzis, a jacket, a long-sleeve shirt, and a hat when it’s 100 degrees outside? Don’t you think they’re schvitzing (sweating) like crazy underneath their beards??
 
It’s time for you to connect with what it really means to be a Jewish woman. Your Torah is your observance of your Jewish femininity. You want to know the truth? Most people don’t realize that Jewish women are spiritually higher than men, and that is why we don’t have to do most of the mitzvot! Men, on the other hand, have to work day and night just so they can dream about reaching our level of righteousness!
 
This realization of our inherent spiritual greatness is to be greatly appreciated, as is written in our morning blessings: “Thank You, God, for making me according to Your will.” How can you internalize such a realization? Read Women’s Wisdom by Rav Shalom Arush. May Hashem bless you with a genuine knowledge that you are special, just the way you are.
 
Racheli