Choose Love

My husband recommended I watch a great shiur on love by Rebbetzin Lori Palatnik. My first reaction was, “Yeah, sure. With all the free time I have…” Well, miraculously, I did end up having a few minutes, and the talk was awesome. She pointed out several parameters on love and marriage according to Torah, and using these guidelines throughout your marriage are sure to greatly contribute to your growth and happiness as a couple. Here are some highlights:

She does this exercise with newly engaged couples – each writes what they think love is and what they think marriage is. Usually, they come up with two different answers for each.

First we must define marriage- the Torah definition of marriage is “one”. We are one soul before we’re born, and we’re split into two halves. We’re not split up and down, right down the middle. No- G-d splits us like two pieces of a puzzle, hence opposites attract. Why? You’re half a soul and you’re yearning for completion. When you find the right person, you’re finding the one with the things you’re missing.

Ironically, the same things that attract you in the beginning will annoy you later on. However, we need those qualities that our spouse has. Instead of resenting them, embrace them. Those are the qualities G-d sent to you to help you become a great person. We don’t grow through easy situations; we grow through difficult situations.

When we deal with our spouse’s challenging qualities, we grow in our patience, unconditional love, etc. Don’t make the mistake of not realizing that these challenging qualities are your road to greatness if you embrace them properly. For example – Rebbetzin Palatnik’s husband is a career genius, yet supremely absent-minded. He forgets his keys, doesn’t remember where he parked the car, etc. As a result, he tests his wife’s patience – she needs to use this situation to grow. After coming home from a long business trip, instead of getting mad at him, she wisely uses the time to catch up with her husband on the trip, the kids, etc.

She now offers us three definitions of love:

First definition – Love is the emotion you feel when you focus on the virtues of another person and you identify with those virtues. For example, ask any pregnant woman if she loves her baby. How does she know she loves him? What if she gets one of those bratty, snotty-nosed kids? No one falls out of love with their babies. It doesn’t matter how they come out. Why do we fall out of love with our spouses? We stopped choosing to love them. LOVE IS A CHOICE. We have to CHOOSE to keep loving them, even though we’re completely aware of their challenging qualities. We can choose to focus on our spouse’s good qualities, or their challenging qualities.

Second definition of love – what’s important to your spouse is important to you, too. Ex. Your idea of a great vacation is backpacking in Nepal. Your spouse’s idea of a great vacation is an air-conditioned tour in Miami. You try to make your spouse’s interests your interests, even though you have no interests in their interests!

Third definition of love – what leads to love: is it the more you love, the more you give? Or is it the more you give, the more you love? It is the latter: the more you invest time, effort, and self-sacrifice for a person, the more you will love them. We see this with children. For example: why did G-d make babies so helpless? So we’ll care for them and give them everything we have. And what do you get back for the first few months? Spit-up and stinky diapers. But it doesn’t matter, because the more you give, the more you love.

She offers the best piece of advice for a happy marriage from Rebbetzin Twersky: every morning when I wake up, think – what can I give to my spouse today? It doesn’t sound like much, but one extra act of giving each day adds up to thousands of acts of giving throughout the marriage. You create an atmosphere of giving in your home, and this tremendously enhances marital peace. Even the simple act of offering your spouse a cup of coffee when you’re making yourself one is enough to set this cycle into motion.

Three questions you have to answer “yes” to in order to know this is the right person for you. If you answer “no”, it doesn’t mean you leave the marriage; it just means you have a lot to work on together!

One – You first must know your life goals – who are you and where are you going? Do you have the same goals? How do you want to raise your children? What level of observance are you striving for? What spiritual and religious ideals do you have? Day-to-day goals are also important- what do we want to contribute together to others?

Two – are you physically attracted to each other? Attraction is supposed to get stronger during a marriage, not weaker. Men and women often look at this area differently. Generally, for a woman, attraction to the man is inside-out. For the man, it’s generally outside-in. In marriage, for a woman, how a man treats his wife outside the bedroom is directly related to how she treats him intimately. For a man, how his wife treats him intimately is directly related to how he treats her outside the bedroom. Do you see the problem with this? Someone has to make the first move. Many times a couple falls into a stalemate, and neither wants to be the first one to budge.

Here’s a simple example: She doesn’t mind doing dishes, but she doesn’t like putting dishes away. One morning, she went to the dishwasher to find that her husband had already emptied it- she was immediately overcome with love for her husband!

One major mistake married women make is that they dress up to go out, and dress down when they come home. We must realize that our husbands are seeing women who are dressed up all day long, and come home to a wife who’s dressed down. This slowly chips away at his desire for her. Of course, following the laws of family purity also greatly enhance a couple’s desire for each other.

Third question – do you respect your spouse? It is a very, very, very big deal for a man that his wife respects him; it doesn’t matter why. That’s the reality. How can you show respect for your husband? When he comes home, give him your full, undivided attention. What message does this send him? He’s more important than anything else.

What does a woman need in a marriage? A woman needs to be loved. A man’s job in the marriage is to make his wife happy. Now, ladies, men are not mind-readers. You have to tell him nicely what makes you happy. For example, tell him what you want for your birthday! Don’t expect him to automatically know.

If and when he makes mistakes, be smart- point them out in the nicest and best way possible. No attacking! This certainly will not add to your marital happiness.

You give and you give and you give to your spouse, in order that you go closer together. If you grow apart, it shows something went wrong. Therefore, choose wisely – choose love!