Beyond Our Desires

When things go smoothly, relatively speaking, it’s easy for me to fall into the “I’m in control” mode. For example, if by a major miracle I manage to get the house in order, most of the laundry done, and the dishes washed by the time my kids get home from school, I feel in control. I feel good.
 
If a few days or so pass and nothing disastrous happens – no one’s sick, no one’s hurt, there’s apples in the fridge for the kids’ last-minute hunger protests – something strange starts to happen to me.
 
I start to worry.
 
Since I have made aliyah, my spiritual awareness has grown. It’s much easier to see Divine Providence in action, and it really is easier to have an awareness of Hashem. Therefore, seeing that He has made things go smoothly for an extended period of time, I start to anticipate something that will throw everything out of whack.
 
I’m overdue for a major freakout attack… The kids are overdue for a major fight (well, if you call one day being overdue)… The car hasn’t been scratched or dented this week… Thank G-d everyone’s been healthy…
 
And then it hits.
 
Something happens. It doesn’t matter what, really. I can see my life clearly like a roller-coaster, constantly moving in up and down mode. There are certainly a few upside-down loops thrown in there.
 
Why do we have to go through the “down” parts in our lives? Sometimes it seems that we’re stuck in down mode, and many of us might feel like we’re in a perpetual free-fall. It can be very scary.
 
Aside from the answers that many of us are familiar with, such as “Hashem is trying to guide us back to the right path” or “Hashem is cleaning us up of prior transgressions”, there is a third reason that I didn’t think about until recently.
 
When I was very sick a few months ago, it was an all-day, every day, all night, feeling of torture. It turns out my thyroid went crazy and my body felt like I was given a continuous IV of Red Bull.
 
Each night, I would wake up after a few minutes of restless sleep, shaking, sweating, starving, and feeling like I just wanted to die. I went through this for several months, until Hashem finally healed me.
 
During the nights, I felt as though I were being broken. Not just physically, but mentally as well. I cried for Hashem to heal me, as I didn’t know what was wrong and saw no end in sight. I honestly don’t know how I survived from one day to the next.
 
In all of my suffering, I experienced that point that we fondly refer to as “rock bottom”. I felt as if I were totally nullified; I ceased to exist on some level. As I look back on the experience, I now realize one major reason Hashem made me go through such suffering.
 
It was to show me that I am only a creation. I am not Ruler of the World, and I have no control in what will happen to me or to anyone around me. I am totally, utterly dependent on Hashem for every second of my life. Without His constant life support, intervention, and guidance, where would I be? I literally wouldn’t exist.
 
Isn’t it amazing how we forget this simple and not-so-obvious fact? Even a donkey knows who its master is; why don’t we recognize it? Why does it take setbacks of varying intensities to show us that we are merely Hashem’s creations?
 
And even if we’re one of the lucky few who already know this, why do we insist on things going our way? If we really understood that we didn’t create reality and put ourselves on Earth, wouldn’t we then be happy with whatever happened to us? Wouldn’t we see that as mere creations, we have no idea what’s best for us?
 
This awareness is so crucial to getting through really difficult life challenges. The understanding that we are here because Hashem put us here, and our purpose is to get closer to Him, our Creator, through various means, is a key part of emuna.
 
I think many of us get lost to this fact because of the way we lead our lives. When we’re so busy living to satisfy our bodily cravings for food, money, and other earthly pleasures, it’s easy to forget that there is a reality beyond our daily desires. I think that’s why Hashem has to throw us kinks here and there, so we wake up (hopefully) and attempt to realize that we are not as big and powerful as think we are. As an added benefit, we develop a greater appreciation when things do go the way we would like.
 
If we could start each day with the understanding that we are not in control of the future, and sincerely ask Hashem to guide us and help us achieve whatever we are supposed to, then He won’t have to sideline us nearly as much.
 
May we all merit to see our lives in this way.