Live-in Girlfriend

Dear Racheli,

For three years I have been living with my boyfriend. We moved in together with the intention of getting married eventually. Well, three years have passed and still no ring. In fact, he seems to be more resistant than ever. Each time I bring up the subject of marriage we end up having a big fight. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I’m confused – please give me some advice…

Laurie

Laurie,

I totally understand where you’re coming from. It’s very frustrating, having put so much time and effort into something, yet not getting the outcome you hoped for.

Let’s take a deeper look at what’s going on here.

To do that, we first need to understand the dynamics of modern dating. It usually goes like this: two people meet, either at a club or through mutual friends. Right away, they’re both gauging the level of spark between them. If they both feel some type of attraction for each other, they agree to start dating.

Things are great in the beginning – everyone is on his and her best behavior. There are romantic dinners, little trinkets to show your affection, hours spent on the phone in “deep and meaningful” conversation. You both have stars in your eyes. It’s just gotta be true love! You’ve finally met The One, and you’re ready to settle down.

So what happens? Through subliminal mind control, usually via MTV and Cosmopolitan magazine, you’re both convinced that you need to move in together to ensure that you’re compatible.

You end up schlepping everything over to his apartment, including your flowery down comforter and pink teddy bears. In your mind, this move is sure to lead to a quick engagement, and marriage shortly after.

In his mind, it’s a whole different story.

Here’s the first important lesson about men: they can’t think more than two seconds ahead into the future. You’re thinking marriage, kids, grandkids. He’s thinking, “Sweet, I got someone to cook me dinner every night and do my laundry!” Of course, it might not be that overt, since the love drug still has a hold on the both of you.

Eventually, you both fall into a routine, and the whole idea of getting married gets put on the back-burner. He starts coming up with excuses: he wants to finish school, he wants to be more financially established before you have kids, he’s just not ready, blah, blah, blah. And you’re feeling shortchanged – this is definitely not what you bargained for.

After all, what young woman wants to be a live-in maid with no strings attached?

So why is he increasingly resistant to marriage? Well, think about it. You’ve given him everything for free! You gave him your heart, your body, your housekeeping skills, and anything else you can throw into the mix. In his simple mind, what more could he possibly need? He’s not thinking about kids, because like I said, he can’t think more than two seconds into the future! He’s busy enjoying the here and now, and all the gourmet dinners you can whip up.

Laurie, what more can you possibly give him that he’s not already getting?

Here’s another secret about men: they need a challenge. Once a man feels he has what he wants, there’s almost nothing that will motivate him to move to the next level- at least, in terms of relationships. So he has you. What more does he need? You think he wants the extra stress of having a wife, with all of her demands, and with no easy way out, when he has a girlfriend who gives him everything a wife would anyway? You think he wants kids when he’s too busy enjoying his life? Remember, men don’t have the baby fantasy that women do.

Now I haven’t done any formal studies on this topic, but to me it seems that even if you do get married, you’re at a much higher likelihood of getting divorced. I see that trend with many couples who live together and then get married. It’s like marriage becomes too much of a reality for them, and they just can’t deal with it.

You know what happens to a couple when they get married? They become like a two-headed monster. They’re spiritually fused together, just like Adam and Eve were before G-d separated them. I think that’s why things get much harder after marriage. One head wants to go this way, and the other head wants to go that way. As a result, there’s lots of compromise involved- something that’s not as necessary when you’re just dating.

Laurie, at this point you have two choices. Either continue pressuring him to marry you, which I can almost guarantee will end up in disaster, or cut your losses and move on.

You deserve someone who will appreciate you and want to commit his life to you before you give him everything you have. Dating doesn’t have to be a long, drawn-out process. Don’t compromise on what you want and hold yourself high. You deserve nothing less than the best- a guy with the same spiritual goals as you, and a guy who will treat you like the queen that you are.

Wishing you a quick match made in Heaven!

Racheli