Hooked on Suffering

I have this theory, so before you all close this essay in fury about what I’m about to say…hold on.

I have this theory that some people like to be miserable, as if they’re hooked on suffering on some level.

I’ve had this theory for some while now; it’s something I’ve increasingly become aware of but out of a sense of obviously being wrong and/or not giving the benefit of the doubt, I’ve cast this notion aside as being faulty.

However, I’ve decided to air this view because if someone were to recognize it in themselves they might also start to realize that it doesn’t actually pay. There’s really no benefit either to themselves or others.

So why do I say this? Well, there are a few observations I’ve made about how people respond to suffering.

Optimists suffer like everyone else but in the midst of suffering they also seem to retain a sense of humor.  They smile a lot.  They play down the suffering. They are goal-oriented and look forward to when they may not have to suffer in the future. I have two neighbors, one Jewish, and one non-Jewish whom I barely know.  They both had cancer treatment in the last couple of years and I saw them with their respective head coverings to cover their hair loss.  Both of them were always smiling. Both of them seemed to want to try and carry on as normal despite their predicament.  I’m sure in their quiet private moments they probably felt fear and physical discomfort but I was so struck about how matter-of-fact they were and determined not to give in.  I found it quite humbling. They both seem to be well now, thank G-d. I realize this type of suffering is in the extreme range because it’s life threatening and as I’ve always stressed in previous essays, no-one, but no-one, can ever say how they would react in any particular situation, and that includes me. However, I have noticed this trend with people I come into contact with when the situation is not extreme, when it’s the daily life issues: work issues, non-life threatening illnesses that will heal in the course of time, inter-personal issues, financial issues etc.

The optimistic view says, I don’t like suffering very much. What can I do and how can I behave to resolve these issues to best of my ability so I can live a happy life either without the suffering or, more importantly, despite it, because sometimes there isn’t a neat answer to our tribulations. And it’s always the same character traits in play: humor, laughter, perseverance, patience, positive speech which reduces highly emotionally negative states, and something else…a sense of self-worth, that I matter in this world, that I have something to contribute.

So why do I think that other personalities like to suffer?  Well, obviously no-one intentionally likes to suffer but sometimes the suffering can become an anchor for a distorted sense of self-worth.  Maybe I’ll get more attention if everyone can see I’m suffering.  Maybe if I don’t dramatize my situation enough, with deep sighs, continual questions about Hashem’s management of my situation, disproportionate emotional states of sadness and gloom, people won’t take me and my situation seriously and I’ll be on my own.  Maybe I feel more important when I have these very serious situations to deal with – it, well, makes my life seem less boring. Maybe people will honor me more. With this attitude, my limited experience tells me that these personalities are less likely to respond to positive and constructive advice because it means giving up self-centeredness, a tendency to look only inward, and they are therefore probably dooming themselves to a life of dissatisfaction and depression.

But here’s the kicker: someone who is maybe a bit self-indulgent in their suffering can actually look forward to the very thing they are trying to avoid, a life without good personal relationships and less attention. Because the fact is that happy people have happy relationships, get over illnesses more easily, are more goal-orientated, draw others to their inner circle, and attract more sympathy for their plight, not less.  People who don’t complain incessantly are always the ones whom others admire.

Rabbi Nachman’s teachings emphasize the importance of acquiring happiness over depression. Rabbi Shalom Arush emphasizes in all his books the importance of giving ourselves over to Hashem’s Will, to accepting our tribulations with love in the knowledge that they are from Hashem, that Hashem is only good and therefore the suffering is for our benefit, even if we can’t understand why.  If we don’t look at our personal situations through this lens, we won’t see the many, many blessings that Hashem gives us even in the midst of our suffering. Rabbi Arush also emphasizes that when we get locked into this mind set of complaints and depression, we are potentially incurring more tribulations, not less.

“But when someone is happy his mind becomes settled and he is able to understand things clearly.  Joy is freedom.  When a person fills his mind with joy, his intellect becomes freed from its exile.  He can control his mind and intellect however he wants so as to concentrate on his goal and return to G-d.”  Advice, Rabbi Nachman of Breslev