The Love Paradox

Love is not, “What can this person do for me.” It’s: “What can I do for others?”

I was reminiscing about my lovable, spoiled-rotten dog, Barkley. He passed away almost two years ago. He was my little love, my Pachoochie. I had a bad habit of talking to him from wherever I was, as I was convinced he could hear me telepathically. It was really something. One time I was talking to him and telling him how cute he was, and on and on, then I realized someone was walking behind me, listening in on my one-woman conversation. The nerve of him!

Anyways, what made me love my dog so – aside from the fact that he was cute and cuddly? I was almost blinded by the flash from that pesky lightbulb that went off in my head when I got my answer. I realized that I loved him so much because I was always doing for him! I never expected anything in return, except unlimited cuddle time on demand. Was that really so much to ask, anyways?

I realized the same concept applies to parents and children. As parents, we are constantly doing for our kids, from morning until night, and way after. Of course we don’t expect any reciprocation, except an occasional “Thank you”, though many times even this is just too much to ask of them.

And what about relationships? Let’s look at friendships – what are your criteria for a good friend? Most of us would say that a good friend is someone who is always there for you, who is loyal, who will help you out whenever you need them. Of course, your closest friends expect the same of you. So we have a constant cycle of sharing between friends, and this makes the friendship grow and deepen.

Now let’s look at relationships; mainly, that of a husband and wife. Most of us have experienced this phenomenon: at the beginning of the courtship, there was nothing we wouldn’t do for our beloved. We would float over to Walgreen’s for an emergency teddy bear and “get well” card when our sweetheart was sick. We would rush out of the house for a late-night sushi craving that just wouldn’t go away. Men, have you ever spent hours and hours feigning interest in the 80 different black dresses that all looked the same during your love’s shopping excursions?

Fast-forward a few years into the marriage. I don’t know about you, but I’m certainly not floating anywhere these days! Sometimes even a small effort is a pain – like when my husband asked if I could boil a little more pasta for him. Seriously?! I rolled my eyes and gave an exaggerated huff and puff, as I made some kind of comment under my breath about never getting a break.

What did he expect, the pasta fairy? Should I have pulled my wings out from under my jacket and magically floated over to make another pot as fairy dust escaped from some unbeknownst place? Oh, right – I almost forgot the, “Anything for you, my darling!”

YUCK.

So what happened? What is the fundamental difference between most married couples vs. most dating couples? In the beginning of a relationship, most people are on their best behavior, so they do their best to go above and beyond the norm. When the relationship starts to get more comfortable, the couple starts to relax and lets the extra effort slide- a lot. Hence, the lull hits (along with some weight gain).

In scientific circles it’s called “The Love Paradox”. More effort = more love.

What’s the secret to getting back on the love train? Focus on doing for each other! Don’t wait to get your needs met so you can then meet your partner’s needs. You’ll end up in a perpetual stalemate. Someone has to make the first move, so why shouldn’t it be you? You’re already ahead of the game- you’re doing your best to incorporate emuna and spiritual awareness into your life.

Let’s take this concept a step further. How many of us can say that we really love G-d? Most of us don’t even know what this means, let alone believe that such a thing is possible and practical. What does it mean to love G-d? It means that we do for Him, just like we’d do for our loved ones. We make the extra effort and go beyond our comfort zone just to develop our relationship with Him. We don’t always know why we need to do certain things, especially if they go against our logic.

However, we trust that what G-d wants for us is what’s best for us. Take a mental poll of people you know- how many of them try to follow Torah to some extent? I would be confident to say that you could see a trend like this: the more resistant someone is to living a Torah lifestyle, the more fault they find with G-d and the way He runs the world. This means that they don’t have a relationship with G-d, and they might not even want one.

What about the people who really do their best to follow the Torah’s guidelines? I would imagine that many of them would say that they do love G-d and have a growing, flourishing relationship with Him.

The point is, that in order to develop a love for something or Someone else, it is up to us to put forth the effort. Love doesn’t just happen- it takes lots of time and effort to grow. If it’s love you want, then stop sitting around and go for it! Like Nike says- just do it!