Focused on Themselves

Let’s discuss one of the common ways that a general feeling of sadness and low self-worth is triggered. In life, everyone has their moments of feeling like they have no purpose; we wonder at times what in the world we’re doing here. We may feel sluggish and have no motivation to get normal, everyday tasks done. If we do them, we might be on autopilot- doing the actions, but our thoughts are a million miles away.

Over the years I have watched myself and others go through these ups and downs. I have tried to see the entire situation as objectively as I could, and I have found a few different types of scenarios that have the same underlying theme:

Scenario 1- A mom of young kids, doesn’t work, has live-in help or daily help, can afford to shop till she drops, goes out with her girlfriends several times a week, goes to the gym. Not happy with her life.

Scenario 2- A man, middle aged, works a steady job for many years, marriage on the rocks or already divorced, doesn’t understand this lazy generation of young adults that are leaching off his hard work for free (kids still living at home). Wonders what the purpose of his life is.

Scenario 3- A person (man or woman), mid-30’s to 40’s, jumping from one job to another, jumping from one relationship to another, living for the moment (and the weekends), thinks that life should be lived like “The Kardashians”.  Empty inside.

Think about this- although these are three very different scenarios, they have a very important common theme: their lives are 100% focused on themselves.

Let’s take a look at relationships- what is the biggest issue that starts most fights between couples? I’m not getting MY needs met.

Yes, this is a valid issue. But let’s apply what Rav Arush teaches in his relationship manuals, “The Garden of Peace” and “Women’s Wisdom”: when each person in the relationship focuses on meeting the spouse’s needs, both partners get their needs met, and the relationship thrives.

What happens when you have one spouse who’s only a taker? He/she ends up sucking all of the energy out of the giver, and the relationship can eventually die.
So let’s apply this theory to life in general.

When we receive gifts from G-d, whether it’s sustenance, health, time, a talent, etc., these gifts come with a caveat. Read the fine print.

The purpose of these gifts is not only for us to enjoy.

We must share our gifts with others.

This, to me, is the secret of fulfillment. There is a famous saying in Judaism: “The reward for a mitzvah is another mitzvah.” What does this mean, practically? I’ve read how Rabbis have described the sweetness of the mitzvah itself- if one is spiritually elevated, they can feel this sweetness, and this in itself is sufficient reward.

However, I don’t feel that I’m on such a spiritually elevated level. What I do notice, though, is when I do things for others, I get a deep sense of gratification, knowing that I have helped improve someone else’s life. Maybe this feeling is what the Sages are referring to. I don’t know.

Think about a time that you did something really sharing, really helpful for someone else. It doesn’t have to be something massive- just something that was beyond your normal comfort zone.

How good did you feel afterwards?

Were you proud of yourself? Were you happy it was you who got to help? Did you feel a strong sense of purpose at that moment? Did you look at life in at more positive way?

Really take the time to think about how you felt. Wouldn’t you like to feel that way again?

Life goes by so quickly. We are so busy running after our own needs that we forget that others have needs, too. Especially in families, spouses and children are often neglected emotionally because we’re just too busy.

Dr. Ballen once shared with me an interesting study. He explained that the more people share with others, the more time they seem to have. What an amazing paradox!

There are several things you can do to get yourself out of yourself, and focused on helping others. You can pick one day a month and help out at the local homeless shelter. You can volunteer at the hospital, just going and talking to patients that don’t have family to visit them.

You don’t have to reserve your sharing for only one day a month, however. On a daily basis, your focus can be on putting a smile on someone else’s face. Give your spouse a compliment and a few minutes of undivided attention. Give your children an extra big hug and a real “I love you”. Help someone out at work, even if it’s as simple as making them a cup of coffee.

Whatever it is, make your focus more on helping others- you’ll be amazed at how much happiness you get in return!