A Walking Billboard

Living in a religious town has changed me in many ways (I hope for the better). One of the most dramatic changes has been the way I dress. I used to wear trendy, fitted clothes; and the shoes- let’s just say the higher the heel, the better. In my town, women dress very modestly. No one is trying to win any beauty contests. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not that the women don’t care about how they look. They take care of themselves and look very respectable. They’re just not trying to look like haute couture models.
 
The other night, against my better judgement, I ventured out of my bubble, and into the harsh, unforgiving wilderness of a big city. I went to the bar-mitzvah of a distant relative. The family wasn’t Ultra-Orthodox like we were, so I knew to expect less than modest dressing. That’s why I left my kids at home with my husband. At least, that was the story I gave him! I really just wanted one night out to enjoy myself without my kids! (And my husband!)
 
After debating for half an hour whether or not to get out of the car, I finally decided to go in. Here’s a riddle: what do you get when you plop an Orthodox young woman in the middle of a secular crowd? Lots of stares. I thought the eardrum-murdering music was about to stop when I walked in- and not just because I looked so beautiful!
 
As the night progressed, I sat in my chair and tried not to watch the “dancing” that was going down on the dance floor. And it wasn’t even mixed dancing! At least they had that going for them!
 
As I watched in amusement/horror, a few thoughts popped into my head. First, I marveled at what a prudish old lady I had become. I was ready to whip out my cane and whack these women over the head for dressing the way they had. Second, I realized that I had become more sensitive to things that were not modest. In Miami, I wouldn’t have thought twice about the women walking around with little more than a tank top on. But here, I was actually bothered by it!
 
What exactly bothered me so much? It’s not like I’m some holy Rebbetzin from a long dynasty of religious people! I’m just a regular BT (baal teshuva) who has waded through the muck and mire of physicality, trying to reach her spiritual destination.
 
I thought about it for a while, and lo and behold, the answer came to me. The problem wasn’t just that these women were dressing immodestly. It was that they were attracting other men’s attention as a result.  Many times, a woman dresses provocatively because it makes her feel good to look good. That’s nice and all, but most women don’t think about the side effects.
 
I’m all about feeling good, as long as it doesn’t come at someone else’s expense; namely these men’s wives! I’ll never forget the first time I heard Rabbi Lazer Brody speak. It was at a lecture we sponsored in Miami. He said, “Ladies, do you want your husband looking at other women? No? So why do you want other men to look at you?” Ouch. The problem is that we women don’t think like men. We don’t see ourselves the way men see us.
 
I got a glimpse into the “thought processes” of a man at the bar-mitzvah. I could barely keep my eyes in their sockets as young girls in miniskirts walked by unassumingly. It was so hard to stop staring at the wiggling, jiggling bodies of middle-aged women in clothes that showed every pocket of cellulite.
 
The thing that struck me the most was the vibe that was happening underneath the drunken smiles and Middle-Eastern dance moves. These women that dressed so provocatively reminded me of a huge billboard on the side of the highway. “Look at me!” they screamed through their clothes. “I’m on the market! Pick me! Love me! Cherish me!” And if they’re not on the market? Oh, boy- even worse: “Look at me! I’m not on the market! You can look, but don’t touch! I’m a big tease!” Then there’s the worst category of all, the married women looking for a fling… Goodness gracious.
 
Why do women feel the need to put themselves on display like the local butcher’s latest specials? I think that most of it is a result of our environment. We have been taught from the youngest ages that if we want to attract a man, we must put every square inch of ourselves on display. Ladies, if you’re single, think for a moment- is a man that “loves” you for your looks really the man you want to be with? You’re so much better than that! You deserve someone who is attracted to your beautiful personality, not just your beautiful face. As I have found out, it is possible to be beautiful and still cover up your body. If you’re serious about finding a good man, set your standards higher- cover up your curves and ask G-d to send you a man that will love you for you. It’s just too easy for a man to get distracted by your looks.
 
Remember, men can only have one thought at a time! If you’re advertising your body, he doesn’t have space in his little man-brain to think about your charming personality! It’s one or the other!
 
And if you’re a married woman displaying your goods, it’s time to take a look at your relationship. What are you not getting from your husband that you’re looking for through other men? Is it attention and admiration? Most likely. So do yourselves a big favor and get a copy of “The Garden of Peace” for your husbands and “Women’s Wisdom” for yourselves. In the meantime, stop adding to the marital friction by bringing the desire of total strangers into your lives.
 
One of the secrets to happy relationships is the intimacy and secrecy between a husband and wife. So if that’s what you want, it’s time to take that billboard down and replace it with a “Do Not Disturb” sign!