The Secret of Joy

Last Thursday night, I was standing in line at the overcrowded grocery store, wondering what in the world compelled me to take my four kids shopping at night. They had a great time taking advantage of the fact that I was in line, and they ran in and out of the store countless times and kept bringing me sodas and instant soups, begging me to buy them. The line felt like it wasn’t moving- because it really wasn’t moving. I was stuck in a supermarket traffic jam.

As I looked around at the other irritated people in the store who obviously felt the same way I did, as they watched their kids pull the same disappearing acts, I suddenly took notice of the conversation happening behind me. A young guy was talking to a friend, and the first words I heard were: “There was no joy in my house when I was growing up.” Umm, hello?? Was this conversation divinely made for me? The guy went on to describe how when he walked into his house, there was no one to be seen. Everyone was in his room, parents included. Sometimes his mom would call him asking when he was coming home and he would answer, “I’m already home. I’m in my room.” Yeah, that was a fun house to grow up in.

Rav Arush once again slams a home-run. Joy is the secret to successful parenting. Kids aren’t stupid. They can feel the energy going on in the house even better than most adults can. The reason it’s so important to have a good vibe going on in the house is because kids not only remember that vibe, but it stays with them for the rest of their lives.

Try to remember the general feeling you had in your homes. Was it one of joy? Or was it a heavy, you-better-not-step-out-of-line-or-else feeling? Did your parents walk around with smiles on their faces? Or were their foreheads stuck in a perpetual scowl? Did your parents speak nicely to you and to each other? Or did they get into fights all the time?

Were there any really happy moments that you can easily remember? Did they happen frequently, or were there just a handful of joyous memories, if even that?

Why are these questions so important? As most parents realize, there is an unfortunate consequence of growing up with parents who have less than desirable traits- we inherit those traits unless we manage to overcome them through much hard work. So if you grew up with a parent who rarely smiled or never really had anything nice to say, chances are that you may be doing the same exact thing to your kids.

Rav Arush explains in the best book I ever read, “The Garden of Education”, why joy is the secret to successful parenting. He says that when a kid feels his parents are happy, he doesn’t go looking for outside influences to make him happy. That’s because he’s getting the dose of happiness he needs from his parents. The same goes for love and attention.

If we apply this concept across the board, we can see that any emotional lack a child feels growing up, he will try to fill it as a teenager or an adult. This can range from promiscuity to drug and alcohol use. Even dressing immodestly can be a sign that the teenager is looking for attention that he or she didn’t get at home. The problem is that many times, the teenager or adult will never be able to fill this void.

Nothing substitutes for a parent’s love and attention.

I’m not a person who walks around looking like she sucked on a lemon all day, but I don’t necessarily have a smile on my face all the time. Maybe it’s an unfair expectation, but that doesn’t mean I can’t improve. After reading this, I realized that I need to put more effort into making the home more lively and fun. I need to be more excited when the kids tell me trivial things about what their friends said at school. I need to make it seem like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.

I need to have more excitement! More enthusiasm! I need to get my cheer-leading outfit on! (With the long skirt, of course!)

There are other ways to make the house more joyful if you don’t have pom-poms on hand. You can play happy, lively music. You can have fun activities planned for them when they come home from school, like baking cookies or having a play-dough afternoon. The most important thing is to spend some time being involved in their activity. Even if you just sit with them for a few minutes while they’re drawing so they can tell you all about their scribble-scrabble, the point is that you give them your happy, undivided attention.

Parents are under a tremendous amount of stress these days. Personally speaking, many times I feel like I’m about to suffocate under the pressure I have on myself every day. But this is no excuse to not have a smile on my face. So now, I’m making a special effort to be happy and joyful, especially when I don’t feel like it. It’s definitely not easy.

Here’s a trick that Rebbe Nachman shares with us: if you’re not happy, fake a smile. Walk around with that fake smile plastered across your face like you’re trying out for a beauty pageant. You too, men. Before you know it, that fake smile will turn into a real one, and that will make your kids smile too! Pretty soon, everyone will be smiling, and you’ll look like one of those fake families in a commercial! You can even hear the announcer’s voice in the background: “Spaghetti-o’s…$2.35….Colored sand and glue…$4…..a happy home….priceless.”