Prince or Frog?

Part 7 of Dating with Emuna

Everyone knows the children’s story of “The Frog Prince.” The reality is really the exact opposite! All the men out there look like princes. It’s only once you kiss them that you discover if they are really a prince – or a frog, leech, or man-eating lion.

Sadly, as I touched on earlier in this series, the dating world now is in complete contrast to proper dating according to Jewish tradition. Another aspect which has been totally forgotten is the fact that a man is commanded by Hashem to get married. Only for him is marriage considered fulfilling a mitzvah! Therefore, he is not allowed to say no to a potential marriage partner! He has to get married – he had better think not only twice, but ten times before turning down a girl. Who is he to say “no” to a girl suggested to him? He is commended to get married, and now!

Any potential match suggested to him is from Hashem – if he doesn’t think it is appropriate then he has to pray that the girl says no to him. He also must strengthen his emuna that he has to do his part to try to get married; if he isn’t supposed to marry a particular girl, Hashem will stop the wedding one way or another. Period! You cannot marry someone you were not meant to marry, because the Gemara says that Hashem is in direct control of marriages. Of course, the flip side is also true – once he marries, this is the soulmate that Hashem gave him, and he must be happy with his portion. Rabbi Arush explains that in Pirkei Avot it says: “Who is happy? The one who is happy with his portion” – the biggest part of “his portion” is his wife!

The woman, on the other hand, has no official requirement to get married according to Jewish law. Hence, she has every right, and obligation, to say “no” to a potential suitor. And here is where we run into problems.

Instead of men courting women, and the women are properly trained to say “no” if she has any sense that this guy might really be only a frog (or someone else’s prince, but not hers!), unfortunately in our generation, the situation is often turned on its head. A “good guy” is a prized commodity and the women run after them. Now the man becomes arrogant because he has his choice of women, and the women lose their keen sense of self to say “no” to improper suitors.

Maybe this sounds chivalric and old-fashioned to you. However, without this foundation, a woman cannot hope to be able to weed out the “princes from the frogs” – before you kiss them, or even worse, marry them. And only with this key understanding can a woman truly date with respect and power.

Only if a woman is prepared to say “no,” can her “yes” really mean something – because she isn’t being compelled to say yes. By being prepared to say no, a woman sends a clear message to herself, potential suitors, friends and matchmakers, that she respects herself enough to be only willing to date people who are clearly appropriate for her. She has the emuna and inner strength to say no to an idea that isn’t on par with where she is holding. And she won’t be swayed or pushed into even speaking with, let alone going on a date with, someone that she isn’t 100% sure is worth it for her to put her time, energy, and emotions into.

Just as the man must believe that he cannot go to the wedding canopy with the wrong girl – the girl must believe that Hashem has created the right guy for her! She cannot let herself get involved with anyone until and unless she is convinced that he is a truly good person and is properly suited for her. This enables her to date in touch with her own intrinsic worth and value – without fear of “never finding the right guy,” or “you can’t expect anything better for yourself,” or any of the other utter lack of emuna statements that I myself heard from people around me pressuring me to make decisions that were bad for me (albeit with good intentions). Maybe if nature or odds had anything to do with finding a match they would be right – but with emuna and Hashem, there is no nature! And therefore, no compromising!

That leads me to one more practical piece of advice: Make a list of three – and only three – things you must have, and three more than you cannot live with.

This list should NOT include pre-requisites like good character traits – those are taken for granted. Of course you don’t want to marry an ego-maniac, someone who looks at every skirt that walks buy, or a guy with a temper – that goes without saying. A girl more into her looks than her soul is bound to spell trouble. Those things should be part of basic research no matter what – and are non-negotiable.

This list should be specific to you – your life circumstances, your personality, etc. Make these meaningful of course. Get advice from parents, Rabbis, and advisors to make the list. Be willing to be flexible on everything else – but on this list, you do not compromise!

For example, (again, I am not saying that everyone should keep these particular rules – they are just my examples. I have good friends who didn’t and are very happy! These were my rules for my situation to give you a taste of what I am talking about) two of my rules were that I would not date someone more than 10 years older than me, and since I had no children, a divorcee with children was not for me. Well-meaning people tried to convince me that for various reasons, I needed to compromise, or I would never get married. One even said to me, “Call me back when you’re finally desperate.” Needless to say, the right guy fit my profile, despite the fear-mongering of many people I met along the way who said it “wasn’t possible” for me to marry my husband!

Personally, if someone had explained to me this reality when I first started dating, I could have saved myself a lot of suffering. What a shame I only learned it after putting myself through a lot of misery because I didn’t know how to say “no” to the frogs. I hope I might save you from such pain and suffering!

Never forget: Marriage to the right one is Heaven on earth. Marriage to the wrong one, or someone without personal holiness, is the worst Hell there could possibly be. You should be afraid of it enough to know: I don’t want to get married! I only want to get married to the right one!

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Rachel is now the Editor of Breslev Israel's English website. She welcomes questions and comments to her email: rachel.avrahami@breslev.co.il.