The Deer Crossing

A woman of Valor, who can find?(Proverbs 31:10)

Since Rav Shalom Arush’s important book, The Garden of Peace, is written just for men, there is no way for a woman to get a glimpse into the profound insights contained therein. We can accept the fact that this source of marital advice is invaluable, purely by the multitude of relationships it has saved. So without attempting to expand on any idea which is veiled in secrecy within his book, this married female author will attempt to draw a completely separate and perhaps parallel set of guidelines for the male from the viewpoint of the woman.

Men and women comprise of distinct physical, spiritual and emotional characteristics. While men are predominantly physical beings and have to work overtime to control their bodily desires and nurture their spiritual side, women are largely consumed by their emotional and spiritual needs. In Judaism, men are required to exert as much effort as possible to overcome some of their biggest challenges by shmirat ainayim, guarding their eyes. Without Torah, men would be like beasts, ruled by animal lusts and impulses. With Torah, a husband, the king of the home, is instructed to abide by the holy constraints of modesty and respect, thereby enabling his wife to feel like a queen and not his subordinate.  Also, while dating before marriage, men should constantly focus on the internal rather than the external qualities of a woman. It is the mind and soul which should be most captivating when choosing a zivug (mate) and not merely physical attraction. Humans are far above the animal world and owe it to themselves and their partner to obey the laws Hashem set out for them. Without accepting the yoke of Torah, one cannot expect anything from the relationship other than selfish fulfillment of egocentric cravings. 

Women do not want to be made to feel like a deer in the crossbow of a hunter; to be hunted rather than loved, to be lured into submission only to become a prized trophy or possession. Having spoken to many women who are dating, it became apparent that countless prospective husbands have the wrong goals and pass that misplaced insensitivity on to the young lady. As a deer caught in the headlights, she will only be filled with anxiety, fear and panic when faced with cold and calculated physical advances.  A wife (or future wife) needs to be able to communicate her thoughts and to receive the admiration and concern of her other half.  She needs someone who can support her emotionally, respect her privacy, give her some space and appreciate her for all she contributes to the relationship and the household. She thrives on the knowledge that her mate desires to know her innermost feelings and loves her for who she is, and not what she can give him.

The purpose of a man and woman uniting under the Chupah (marriage canopy) is to serve Hashem together as one unit and to bring new, holy neshamot (souls) into the world. Family is at Judaism’s core and an existential necessity. Our Creator gave living creatures the desire to procreate, but as humans we must use that gift wisely. To say that ‘anything goes’ simply because it is within the confines of marriage is making a mockery out of the sanctity of the bond. Both men and women must be cautious of retaining modesty even behind closed doors.

In Perek Shira the Deer says: “I will sing of Thy strength, and I will sing aloud of Thy mercy in the morning, for Thou has been a fortress and a refuge in my distress” (psalm 59:17). The deer recognizes Hashem’s majesty over His Kingdom and feels His protection. Like the deer, when we wake in the morning with prayers of gratitude on our lips, we want to feel the beauty of another miraculous new day, not a dark cloud hanging precariously over our heads. By choosing to respect G-d’s Laws and abiding by His statutes we, too, will be safeguarded. A man has the ability to create a peaceful world for his wife and himself, fortified by G-d’s presence.

A woman of valor does not ask for frivolous things from her husband, but only requests that which will help her in running their home in an efficient and virtuous manner. By refusing to assist a wife with whatever she may require is akin to rebuffing a plea from the King Himself, for as a righteous woman, she is doing it all for Him. Even if one’s wife is not yet at that level, it is important to bend to her wishes for she is still the akeret habayit (homemaker) and knows what is necessary to fulfill her duties as such.

Our sages compare the Land of Israel to a deer; “Just a deer is swift on its legs, so too the Land of Israel is swift to ripen its fruits” (Talmud, Ketubah 112a). For a woman with Yirat Shomayim (fear of Heaven), whose husband treats her as ‘milk and honey’ (gentle and sweet), like a cherished treasure, she too will be ‘swift to ripen her fruits’ and their home will blossom with abundance and joy.

Men pray “Blessed are You, O L-rd, our G-d, King of the Universe, who has not made me a woman” and women end with “for making me according to His will”. Some women take offense to this wording but would a woman really want to take on all the obligations of a man?  Men have an opportunity to fulfill many more mitzvot (commandments) than women because of the time element, but they also have greater spiritual tests. Yes, ladies have plenty of tribulations of their own, but with a supportive spouse and an hour of hitbodedut (personal prayer) a day, even the most difficult journey can be stress-free.

Many of us have seen ‘Deer Crossing’ signs which caution drivers to beware of a sudden appearance of the mammal. Deer run through the forests and don’t see the road before it’s too late, often ending in tragedy. Humans, Baruch Hashem (thank G-d), have the ability to look before they leap, to think before taking action. By utilizing this blessing and spending a few seconds to consider the impact of one’s words or deeds, many accidents can be prevented.

Rabbi Lazer Brody, shlita, teaches that any negative reaction by a wife toward her husband is a reflection of himself and a time do so some serious introspection. This is not to say that a woman is perfect, but she does reflect the light of her husband. His aim should be to enable it to radiate through his shortcomings. So gentlemen, ‘buck’ your bad habits and give your lady the appreciation she deserves. Before long she will be standing by your side like a beautiful deer, holding her head high in all her splendor.

(This article is dedicated to all those searching for their ‘other half’, that they may find their rightful match and begin building their Bayit Ne’eman b’Yisrael soon, amen!)