Breaking My Vessel

As a mother of now 4 boys, Baruch Hashem, I have my fair share of challenges each day. At least once every five minutes I am brought to the point that I want to cry or pull my hair out or throw one of my kids out the door. I feel like I have aged 50 years in the 7 years since I started having kids. I’m not complaining, really, I’m just making observations. No one told me having kids would push me to my very limits of sanity and patience. And by the way, if you have kids who actually listen to you, I would love to hear your secrets!

 
The other day I was really not doing a good job of being the mother I want to be for my kids. So I reached out for Rav Arush’s ground-breaking teachings on proper parenting in The Garden of Education. Here are the tips:

1. What do I do when my kids fight? I have tried all kinds of tactics, from yelling to reasoning to not doing anything at all. None of these tactics has worked. But I have realized that it is pointless to yell and scream at them. Eventually they will fight again (3 minutes later) and nothing will have changed, except that I have stressed myself out to the point where I’m wondering how not all parents are alcoholics. So what’s the answer? Just to separate them gently, with a smile on my face, and without saying a word. Nothing. What? Are you serious? Okay, so I tried it, and it is HARD! He told me to use that moment that I am separating them to ask Hashem for the confidence to know that this is the right way.

2. What do I do when my kids don’t listen to me? Aah, this is the million-dollar question. Just let it go. If they don’t want to pick up their toys, I should just pick them up. If they don’t want to brush their teeth, I should not force them to. At these moments, instead, I should pray to Hashem that they will want to do these things. I should pray that I will be able to influence them in a positive way, not with threats or bribes.
 

In my long and convoluted quest to find out the best parenting methods, I have come to interesting realizations, and Rav Arush’s teachings have indeed confirmed them.
 

Realization 1- Punishments Don’t Work!

One day, my 7 year old came home and told me of how an older kid pushed him. Immediately, my Iraqi blood was on fire, and I wanted to run to the school and beat that kid to the point where he would tremble just by looking at my son. I have no tolerance for school bullies. But then I realized something- if I were to watch myself disciplining my kids, would I not look like a bully too? I scream at them, I threaten them, I spank them, I intimidate them. What gives me a license to do these things to them? Just because I gave birth to them, am I allowed to do whatever I wish? What happens when we punish our kids? Let’s use time-out as an example. Our kid makes us upset, so we put him in time-out. What is time-out? It’s forced isolation, a mini prison sentence. What happens to prisoners after being in prison for a period of time? They come out even more resentful and hateful than before they went in. If anything, they are more inclined to hurt others, to get some type of revenge on the world for having put them away against their will. Does this not sound familiar? Remember back to when you were a kid- how did you feel after you were punished? What thoughts went through your head as you were serving out your sentence? Were they not thoughts of hatred and revenge against your parents? Did even once, the thought of “I’m going to do my best to be a better kid” ever enter your mind? So why do we expect our kids to be any different? Why are we perpetuating this vicious cycle? Do you remember that famous saying, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, yet expecting different results.” Are we all insane? Sometimes I wonder about myself…
 

Realization 2- Bribery doesn’t work!

We may think that using “positive reinforcement” will give our kids more of an incentive to listen or do the right thing, but we all know this doesn’t work out so well. As a result of bribery, we create kids that expect rewards every time they do something, even if it’s as simple as throwing their dirty clothes in the hamper! What will happen when they become adults? They won’t move a finger unless they find out “what’s in it for them”! Don’t we all have this crutch to one degree or another? How much of our motives are truly altruistic, without any thought as to what personal benefit we may get out of doing something? Even if it involves helping someone else, we still may have a personal agenda, though we may try to hide it from ourselves. How do we teach our children to do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do, if we’re bribing them left and right? Is it fair to expect them to develop a proper moral compass if we are turning them into mafiosos?
 
 

Realization 3- Humility and Teshuva Are The Keys to Successful Parenting

Continuing with the bully allusion: society has trained us to feel the need to assert our dominance in every area of our lives, particularly when it comes to our children. We have not been brought up with the slightest ounce of humility, unless we had parents who went against the trend. As a result, we feel that any affront to our upper hand should be dealt with severely. What are we, tyrants? What does this teach our children? That the only way to get what you want is through bullying tactics- intimidate in any way possible that will bring about the desired results. This is very short term thinking and it creates a long-term problem, as discussed before. The cycle just perpetuates with our children’s children, and no one is any better of a person for it. In fact, they might become worse- bitter, hard children and eventually adults who truly are unbearable to be around.
 

How do we apply humility? To me, this is the hardest thing. I feel like I am literally losing a part of myself by giving in to my children. You don’t want to pick that up? Okay, I’ll do it. You’re sticking your tongue out at me and spitting at me? Okay, I won’t say a word. I won’t slap you across the face, even though every nerve in my body is going crazy to do so! You’re talking back to me? I’ll just give you a big smile and pretend I didn’t hear you! I know, this sounds absolutely ludicrous! Even though at first we might feel like total idiots to behave this way, things WILL work out for themselves. Hashem will help us if we follow this advice with strong emuna and lots of prayers that our children will turn into good people.
 
 

Teshuva and self-assessment are vital to being successful. Everything our children do, the different ways they make us crazy, are all specifically designed to bring about our soul corrections. Our kids are designed to push buttons we didn’t even know we had! And we are supposed to let it go!

Our kid triggering our anger is no different than the guy who cuts us off on the way to work. We should let go of retaliating against both of them and thank Hashem for the test. We must remember something:our children are not really ours- they are on loan, entrusted to us by their real Father. When I think about it this way, one thought really hits me hard: Who am I to treat them this way? Hashem has entrusted his most precious untouched diamonds to me, to care for and cultivate into sparkling, brilliant diamonds.

Are we perfect adults that have done nothing wrong our entire lives? It’s funny how our memories are so selective. We may look at our children and wonder why they are the way they are, but we were the same way as children! Whether it was lying to our parents or not listening to a word they said, we were no angels! So if we haven’t yet corrected those traits, our children are giving us a chance to do it now. This is why we must do teshuva every day- for the way we behave ourselves and the way we treat our kids. Once we really start understanding that they are just mirrors designed to reflect and amplify our undesirable character traits, we will be well on our way to fixing the root of the problem- ourselves.
 
 

Realization 4- Successful Children Have Parents That Pray For Them

Pray, pray, PRAY for your children. Rav Arush discusses this a great deal in his book. This is the real secret to having your child reach his potential. Rabbi Arush reminds us again and again, “Everything spiritual comes with a price tag. The more valuable it is, the higher the spiritual price.” What is more valuable to us and to Hashem than our children’s success and well-being? Nothing. Therefore, we must invest much of our time praying that they will be good people, G-d fearing, Torah- observant, compassionate, smart, wise, healthy, be blessed with their soulmates, have beautiful children of their own, etc., etc. Rebbe Nachman’s mother, Feiga, used to take him when he was a baby to the grave of his great-grandfather, the Baal Shem Tov, and pray that he will grow up to be a great tzaddik. This is exactly what happened. If you want to give your kids the best in life, the secret is to pray for them.
 
 

Personally speaking, much of the reason I tried to discipline my kids was because I didn’t want them turning into spoiled brats. There is NO connection between lack of discipline and bratty kids. Though I understand this intellectually, it is still very hard to internalize. However, when we think about the fact that children follow example and not empty rhetoric, this makes sense. If we have parents who are far from working on themselves and are fraught with all kinds of personality issues, then we will have children who follow in their footsteps. I know for a fact that I do not want my kids to have the same struggles I have. I feel that fighting my lifelong instincts is a battle that is close to deadly at times. It feels like I am losing a part of myself by not enforcing my dictatorship in the house. But now I realize that I’m only losing the reactive part of myself. Breaking the ego literally feels like part of me is dying- this is a brilliant trick of the Yetzer. Remember, the Yetzer wants to convince you that it and the ego is a part of you. It is not, so stay strong!

 
Parents, if you are serious about saving your relationship with your children and ensuring their happiness throughout their lives, please listen to the amazing CDs “All In The Family” and “The Family Connection”. Do yourselves and your children a favor and read Rav Arush's book The Garden of Education! May we all be courageous enough to go against the trend and raise our children as they deserve- with nothing but love, love, and more love.