Guarding My Feminine Eyes

Recently I’ve learned that it’s not just men that need to guard their eyes, it’s us women too.
 
A ba’alat teshuva, I’ve given up pants, covered my hair to different degrees (from partially to fully), and have become conscious of every little choice I make in presenting myself to the world. Interestingly enough, becoming tsnius (modest) wasn’t so tough for me – I never felt comfortable drawing attention to how I looked, and always recoiled at the thought of being catcalled when walking by a group of men. I’ve never liked clothes shopping, don’t care much for jewelry, and have never understood how women can spend thousands of dollars on designer make-up and beauty products.
 
That’s where my story of holier-than-she ends.
 
For awhile now, I’ve been quite hung up on how many frum women wear long, lovely and sometimes luxurious sheitels (wigs), attractive make-up, and form-fitting clothing. I’ve taken mental note of each woman I come across who – in my opinion – violates tsnius.
 
One middah (character trait) I need to fine tune, just when I thought I had it nailed, is l’dun l’kaf zchut – judging favorably. There was a time in my life when we had a lot of people knocking on our door for tzedaka; being a wet-behind-the-ears, newly religious olah chadasha (new immigrant), I would be sucked in emotionally by the stories people would share, followed by a request for $100. My husband, a sabra who’d lived abroad for several years, had no experience with this either and followed my lead. In the beginning, we actually gave such an amount to a few people, and then before we knew it, we had many visitors! We couldn’t continue to give so much to every person who came by and, in time, had to lower the amount quite significantly. Our rav told us that the mitzvah of giving tzedaka was fulfilled once we put even a small coin into an outstretched hand. And so we felt less guilty and agreed that whoever came to our door – no matter the story – would receive a set, certain amount.
 
One woman was increasingly unhappy with the smaller amounts she’d get from us. One man was intent on ‘exposing’ her and a few others who were drivers, and would get a share of others’ tzedaka, as they gave their fellow collectors rides in pretty nice cars. It was so, so hard to dan l’kaf zchut. Did they really need the money? How did they afford such nice cars? Why would they argue over the amount we gave them? It was also hard to continue to believe people’s tales of woe.
 
But I tried to keep in mind that there’s One Judge and He knows the truth. And, in due time, He will make the necessary judgments, not me. And so I eventually learned to give with a smile, and wish the collector well.
 
That may no longer be my test, but judging other women – based on looks alone – has been my flavor of the day.
 
Hashem has had a unique way of rousing me to wake up and make up: a constant eye spasm. For the past month or so, the area under my left eye has twitched. I’ve chalked it up to tiredness, moving back to Israel, stress. But when I’d get a lot of sleep, say on Shabbat, the twitch was still there.
 
It hit me the other day to look deeper into this annoyance and open up the book Anatomy of the Soul, by Rebbe Nachman of Breslev, compiled by Rabbi Chaim Kramer. While learning with a dear friend, I was talking about the twitch – and my issues with other women’s tsnius – and it hit me. Rebbe Nachman would have an answer for me! And sure enough, he did.
 
“Seeing,” in a spiritual sense, means looking deeply into something in order to reveal its inner essence (Likutei Moharan I, 1:2-4).  Without ‘good eyesight’, says Rabbi Kramer, we are unable to see G-d’s presence around us. He adds that we must guard our eyes “against seeing what we want to see, as opposed to what is actually there.” I was actually looking to catch a woman in my mental tsnius trap. While the long sheitel’s tsnius is debated, it is not my role to judge. Maybe her dedication to bikkur cholim and her eshet chayil attributes in her marriage far surpass her wig’s length. And what about those who do remarkable work in kiruv, often giving up their own needs and moving to the ends of the earth to be there for another Jew?
 
When we use our eyes as lenses through which to see G-d everywhere in this world, when we begin literally to see through the veil that separates us from G-d, then G-d Himself will turn His eyes towards us. If we use our sight to focus on Him, G-d will look back towards us, until His sight and our sight converge and become perfectly focused. (Anatomy of the Soul, p. 294)

This current test reminds me of something smart I once heard in a shiur, based on the teachings of the Slonimer Rebbe, author of Netivot Shalom. The woman giving over the shiur was telling about the time she went to the bank and the teller wore a revealing shirt. Mustering up her judging favorably midda, she said to the teller, “You have really beautiful eyes.” The teller smiled warmly, obviously touched. Her sight beckoned Hashem to shine his countenance upon them both.
 
Just a day after my mini-revelation, my eye hardly twitched. I can’t say it’s stopped altogether – it serves a purpose to remind me to guard my eyes. For to live in Hashem’s image, we need to use our eyes in the way we want Hashem to gaze upon us. And to daven for 20/20 spiritual vision.