Hashem, Me, and a Chronic Disease

My clothes were hanging off of me, I was constantly thirsty, my cheeks were sunken, my skin pale, I was constantly exhausted, but listen I am British, I didn’t want to make a fuss. Boarding a flight to go and visit my in-laws I was sat with eight hours ahead of me, desperately thirsty and craving sugar I drank about 6 cans of coke in this short span of time and ate anything (kosher) put in front of me. On landing my wife and I were greeted by my Russian Jewish shvigger (mother-in-law) who immediately informed me of my terrible appearance and within no time at all had a doctor’s appointment booked.

Sitting in the waiting room (pleading with wife and mother-in-law to realize I am not 5 yrs old and could see the Dr alone), I was certain that I just needed a few more vitamins and a better diet. The door opened and a plump Russian lady called out “Josh” across the waiting room – I don’t know when we reached first name terms, let alone nicknames, but it is apparently the norm in America. 

Looking back, I think it was the slightly unprofessional gasp the nurse made on seeing my blood sugar readings that gave me an idea there might be a problem. This was confirmed when the very pleasant Russian Jewish (obviously the appointment was obtained on a who-you-know and not what-you-know basis, as I was foreigner with no insurance or money and my shvigger is a well connected, talkative, and friendly Jewish mother type) looked me straight in the eyes and told me “Well young man, you’re in trouble, you have a chronic disease”. I mean, is that really the way to break the news?

A few slightly cold British inquiries led me to understand that a normal blood sugar reading was anywhere between 80 and 120 and mine was currently residing in the region of 480. The doctor informed me that he would normally hospitalize someone immediately in this condition but was willing to try and bring it down with meds and diet over the next few days. Across the next two weeks starting with diet and meds and ending with visiting a specialist and injecting insulin twice a day I am now holding at normal blood sugar levels (BSL), feeling and looking like a different person.

My research has led me to discover how many people simply cannot cope with the knowledge that they will never be able to sit down with a bar of chocolate again and thus countless support groups and “diabetes depression” networks are in place.  Whilst I would never question the necessity of these groups, nor the emotions and feelings of those suffering on receiving their news, I did need to question my own response.  A few weeks after discovering my “chronic disease” (better known as Diabetes’s) and being far more knowledgeable in the possible long term effects if not contained, I feel as though I can’t remember a time I didn’t need to inject twice a day.  What led me to a peaceful and easy acceptance of this news?  Was it the fact that my coffee intake would not need to be reduced as impact on BSL is minimal?  The fact that I never really had a sweet tooth?  Or finally that for some unknown reason a week before the diagnosis I stopped with the cigarettes without rhyme or reason?  The truth is I think it’s something a little deeper than all of that….

The Baal Shem Tov taught as follows:

Everything is by Divine Providence. If a leaf is turned over by a breeze, it is only because this has been specifically ordained by G‑d to serve a particular function within the purpose of creation.

Every single thing that a person sees or hears, is an instruction to him in his conduct in the service of G‑d.

Of course anyone who attempted a little spirituality knows that it is easy to accept these teachings in the light of good tidings. When I got engaged it wasn’t hard to see the hand of G-d, as with when I got married, so too with finding an apartment at a good price with a good landlord, you get the picture… The effort and the struggle is to accept this teaching in the light of the seemingly bad. The truth is that hashgacha pratit (divine providence) doesn’t stop with finding a million dollars on the floor but flows into the loss of a loved one (chas veshalom), high bills with no way of paying them or in my case, the discovery of diabetes.

That means it was none other than the Creator of the World who was pushing up my BSL, waking me up 5-6 times a night to drink water, holding back my knowledge of diabetes and thus allowing my bad eating habits to continue and worsen the BSL.  It was none other than Hashem whom I love and who loves me that pushed my health to the limits.  It was a message, it was a test, it was direct hashgacha pratit and a personal interaction with the Creator of the World, the G-d of Avraham, Yitzhak, and Yaakov.  OK, I am laboring the point somewhat, but I think it is important to really internalize the fact that the G-d who sent Avraham to slaughter his only son, is the G-d who sent me a chronic disease called Diabetes which would change my lifestyle forever.

So what was my lesson, a lesson which so many people can learn without having to step into a doctors office?

Appreciation.

One of the great Chassidic masters, Rebbe Nachman of Breslev, taught as follows: When the Mashiach comes the world will be flooded with the knowledge of Hashem. This knowledge will bring Jew and non-Jew alike to love and fear of Hashem and the world will exist in peace. What does it mean “knowledge of Hashem”? It means that the whole world will know that Hashem is only good and does only good. Anything that happens to us is from Hashem and can only be for our very best.

How is this reflected in halacha?  In our current restricted state of consciousness we are required to make two different blessings depending on whether our experience is a positive one or a negative one.  In the times of Mashiach, we will only recite the blessing “HaTov V’HaMativ” (the blessing for good) for we will see and know that everything is from Hashem and everything is perfect, even the seemingly bad. One can go so far to say that “seemingly bad” will no longer exist and people will rejoice loosing 5 million dollars in the same way as winning 5 million dollars – we will know everything is perfect, everything is from Hashem! 

Asks Rebbe Nachman of Breslev – why wait till then?  Experience Mashiach now, today! Realize whatever is happening to you is only for the good, realize whatever is happening to you is directly from Hashem.  Bring this knowledge about in yourself today!

So, back to my story, here I was in America (not my favorite place to be and desperately missing my beloved Eretz Yisroel), with diabetes and having to extend my stay to have my medicine monitored.  One early morning, I was on my way to the doctor’s office in the car with my wife and mother-in-law, feeling sorry for myself.  As I was looking out the window, the thought of staying in America any longer and the fear of finding out about my new medication was slowly building up inside of me.

All of a sudden I thought to myself – wake up, you fool!  Here I am walking around in a long coat and beard, putting a streimel on my head for Shabbos Koidesh, having all the externals of a frum Yid and I didn’t have basic emunah and bitachon?  Ridiculous!

So I decided at that moment – whatever the doctor says isn’t just good, it’s perfect!  It’s tailor made for me by the Ribono Shel Olam!  If I have to stay in America for another week then there are reasons on high I don’t know about and they are perfect for me and my tikkun.  Suddenly I saw the holy face of Rav Tzvi Myer Zilberberg from a shiur I went to before leaving Eretz Yisroel in which he said “Know that everything that happens to you is there to m’karev (bring you close) you to your tikkun”.  And so it was – I went to the doctor, he was a kind and friendly Yid who gave me excellent advice, I stayed in America for an extra week and completely leveled out and am currently maintaining good BSL’s.

Not only that but I started to look into the seforim and realized many spiritual reasons for diabetes, including not having appropriate kav onnah when eating and the effect of anger and impatience on one’s blood – all middot that I can certainly be working on!  I never would have learnt such things without a little push from my Tatty-on-high.

Hashem is good and sweet, Hashem loves us and sends us presents and gifts constantly – the seemingly bad is never bad.  The following day I remember stepping out into the freezing cold at 6.30 am walking to shul looking up at the sky with the first cracks of sunlight shining out, I was filled with such a pleasure, such a simcha, I can’t even begin to describe it.  Hashem who gave me diabetes, kept me an extra week in America, is the same Hashem who painted this beautiful sky just for me, just for my enjoyment – I talked to Hashem the whole way to shul with such a feeling of closeness – this is true happiness.

I have lists and lists of reasons to thank Hashem for my diabetes, just a few examples:

1. Diabetes brought me to more prayer
2. Diabetes brought me closer to my wife
3. Diabetes made me consider my health more
4. Diabetes forces me into eating better
5. Diabetes helped me to seek Hashem in every situation

The list goes on and on.  But what did I really learn?

That we must experience Mashiach today, we must realize that everything Hashem sends us is only for the good and that there is no bad. And what’s even more important? Not to stop there – thank Hashem everyday. Make lists and thank Hashem, thank Hashem for all the good, for all the tests, for those things which you find hard to accept. Just don’t forget to say thank you.  Even as I type this I realize I have no right to be writing this as I don’t thank Hashem nearly enough. 

Whilst I still have a lot to learn about Diabetes and a long road ahead of me, I am not going it alone, it’s me, my wife and Hashem, every step of the way.

I am not sharing my experience to preach, I am not sharing my experience to try and “convert” people, I am sharing my experience because it was so powerful I feel an obligation. Even if one just considers – is everything really from Hashem? What did Hashem give me today? Am I grateful? What can I thank Hashem for? These thoughts alone are worth sharing my experience.