The Wild Steed

My heels dug into the steed’s sides as my fingers clutched his mane with all my strength. Head down, into the wind—he was finally under my control. What a fine pair we would make! At last, his incredible power would be harnessed for the good. I have prevailed!
 
Crash!
 
A jolt of pain in my ribs; my breath is gone. I am paralyzed with shock and pain as he runs wildly into the forest underbrush, bucking and snorting, leaving me crumpled on the ground. Through the thick dust, a figure appears. He has a friendly-looking face as he crouches near me, silhouetted by the sun.
 
“Ah, so here you are again, I see,” he chuckles. “Don’t you think you should just stay down this time?”
 
“No!” I shout through clenched teeth. He isn’t a friend…
 
The above narrative is the story of my life. The wild steed is my nefesh behamit (animal soul)…strong and full of potential, but wild, unruly and headstrong. The rider is my nefesh Elokit (G-dly soul), whose efforts have at times appeared to be unsuccessful. The stranger with the face of a friend—he is the Yetzer HaRa (Evil Inclination).
 
Recently, for the first time, I gave myself the gift of one hour of hitbodedut (personal prayer), uninterrupted and guided by the framework given to me by Rabbi Shalom Arush, sh’lita. After two days of utter silence as I attempted to speak from the heart with honest introspection and thanksgiving, today, (on the third try) I began with, “Hashem s’fatai tiftoch; u’fi yagid tehilatecha (Lord, open my lips that my mouth may declare Your praise).” This was the breakthrough.
 
Two years ago, I was managing a fast-food restaurant, completely non-observant, and referring to myself as “agnostic.” I was the only “agnostic” I knew of who spoke to Hashem like Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof, but that is what I told myself!
 
One year ago, I was on a different path, but far from today. I was toying with kashrut, making a living in a permissible manner, living in a new town near a shul and doing some half-hearted mitzvot. Still, I was enmeshed in the self-defeating habit of blaming Hashem for things not instantly going my way and demanding that He “show me first”, and only then would I obey Him. Outwardly, I looked increasingly observant, but in reality, I was lost without a compass.
 
Today, b’ezrat Hashem, I am married, shomer Shabbat, shomer kashrut and practicing Family Purity. I have to laugh at myself. One year ago, I would get angry if anyone suggested I dress modestly, cover my hair and (gasp!) separate from my husband for periods of time. I was keeping to my redundant, utterly misguided claim that I would NEVER be “meshugenah frum” (crazy observant).” I had tried that once and it didn’t work! (Read: as soon as I faced obstacles, I threw up my hands in defeat).
 
Just months ago, I crossed the imaginary line I had drawn. It was a fantastic moment of triumph; a transition into a life of unspeakable happiness and strength. I have three factors which brought me so far in such a short time:

1. A well-deserved Divine potch
2. Hashgacha Pratit
3. Emuna outreach

I stumbled onto Rav Arush, sh’lita, by happenstance during an internet search for a book to teach my husband-to-be how to be a good one. (Of course, I wanted to fix HIM, not me). Yet, finding Garden of Peace changed two worlds, which are now one. The next step was Garden of Emuna. Within a few months, both of us were transformed, nearly unrecognizable to ourselves and others.
 
I realize now that the missing tool in my struggle to rein in my nefesh behamit was there all the time—EMUNA!
 
Today’s hour of hitbodedut made me realize that, regardless of how far I’ve come, I am utterly helpless on my own.  I now understand that, in light of my foolishness, the most terrible sufferings I have endured are like picnics compared to the thrashing I deserve. I can never say I have prevailed. I can only realize how small I am and entrust my life to Hashem’s loving hands.
 
If I am to achieve my soul correction in this life, I must continually ask for emuna and admit that I need to have a relationship with Hashem that resembles that of a fetus with its mother. The fetus is totally dependent on the mother’s body to remove waste through the placenta and replace it with nutrients, immunity and rich oxygen. The process is miraculous, and it came to my mind today as I spoke to the Almighty with honesty that I can do absolutely nothing without His loving grace and help. Only He can give me the ability to do teshuvah from love and only He can be credited with transforming my many sins into merits in the final evaluation.
 
I once heard a tale whose source I do not recall:

A young man set out on a journey to find an apprenticeship in a lucrative trade. Along the way, he happened upon a successful silversmith who was sitting by a roaring cauldron. Every few minutes, he would look into the cauldron and adjust the fire. The precocious boy asked him, “Sir, I’ve heard that if you don’t heat the silver long enough, it will still be full of dross, but at too high a temperature or for too long, the silver will be ruined. Please tell me if you will; how do you know when it is just right?” The silversmith chuckled and said, “My son, I know that my creation is perfected when I can look at it and see my own reflection clearly.”

If I am in the cauldron of this world, I can know that the Silversmith values me and will ensure that I have exactly what I need so that I will someday reflect His face.