Put your Head Down 

I know I lack emuna and wonder if I ever had any. I have the hardest time praying. I don’t know what to say and I can’t stay focused. I feel helpless to change anything and am fearful. My parents are sick, my son is doing light drugs to ease his anxiety, my credit card is maxed out. And so much more.   
What do I do?  

CC, Texas, USA  

The situation sounds SO, SO HARD.  

But don’t say that you don’t have emuna or you never did. That’s not true! Don’t kick yourself when you’re down.  

We are all going through crazy hard tests, each of us in our own way.  

There is nothing to do except pull in the big guns against these big tests – and that’s just totally cancelling ourselves before Hashem’s will and thanking Hashem through it all.  

I call it “radical acceptance.” 

Rabbi Arush used the allegory of being shipwrecked in the ocean recently based on the story from the Mishna, talking about how the tests on the good people are absolutely OVERWHELMING right now. Every swell – just put your head down and hold your breath. Then breathe, look up to the sky, look up to Hashem. Next wave – put your head down under the wave, hold on, and repeat one at a time. We WILL eventually get to the shore. Just don’t give up!!!  

Here are some examples of just putting your head down: 

So You want me to buy less because everything is more expensive? I don’t get it, I know You want me to have everything, so thank You. Thank You I can’t buy this or that, thank You my credit card is maxed out, thank You… 

So You want my son “managing” his anxiety with drugs? You love him even more than me and You want him clean even more than me. Yet You’re continuing this situation. I don’t get it but clearly somehow this is for the best. Thank You, Hashem, for the SUFFERING I FEEL that he is on drugs, for the anxiety of a mother worried he will overdose, G-d forbid, for the worry, for the stress…  
 
(Note: You can’t thank Hashem for someone else’s suffering, but you can thank Hashem for YOURS over the issue) 

IT IS OK IF YOU CRY DOING THIS. Like what, you’re NOT supposed to cry? You’re not supposed to feel human emotions towards your child??? The key is to let yourself feel whatever emotion, even fear, sadness, whatever—and just cancel your mind, cancel your rationality, put your head down and cancel yourself before the Creator and say thank You. Whatever You want, G-d, You are G-d Almighty and I am not, You created the world and I didn’t, I don’t deserve anything, I don’t deserve my next heartbeat, whatever You give me is for sure good because You love me, so thank You! 

Let’s take my own example – my beautiful bouncing baby girl, bli eyin hara. She is now 8 months old. At 5 weeks she got Corona and was burning up with fever. I don’t need to tell you what a nightmare that was for me. Forget about me, 5 weeks post-partum with Corona myself. She was so tiny, she was so sick, her cries were so terrifying, the expression on her face — it was as if she was looking at me “Mommy, what is going on and why aren’t you fixing it? I AM SO SCARED!” She was too weak to nurse so I was pumping. She was white and purple. While we tried in vain to bring down her fever, I held her and cried and prayed like this through the night:  

“Hashem, thank You for my baby. Thank You she was born healthy. Thank You she has Corona and has a high fever. Thank You she is so sick. No matter what happens, please give me emuna. I don’t deserve her and if You take her, back G-d forbid, give me the ability to say thank You then also. Do whatever You want, G-d. I know it will be for the best. I am nothing, I don’t deserve anything, I never deserved her and I still don’t. She is Your baby, a soul You gave to me, do what is best with her. If she lives, thank You and if not, G-d forbid, thank You. As for me, just give me the emuna to say thank You no matter what.”  

By dawn we were in an ambulance to the hospital after doing a pidyon nefesh by Rabbi Arush. They checked her out and said she is OK! They brought down her fever and told me what to do. I couldn’t believe she didn’t need fluids (that still amazes me, it makes NO SENSE). We went home in the afternoon. I didn’t sleep for 25 hours straight, I was delirious (thankfully, I only had a low fever myself). They told me to expect it to take days for her fever to break. I used “kangaroo care” that evening and by early the next morning her fever had broken!!! Miracles! 

One Shabbat Rabbi Arush said flat out that there is no other option when the tests are too big for us to bear. Just say “thank You” without understanding! Throw out your mind and your reason! Your Father in Heaven loves you and knows what He is doing! He is your Father, and Fathers don’t ever hurt their children! 

Know that this is hidden mercy. Thanking Hashem and believing that this is indeed hidden mercy even when it feels like the heaviest judgement – will bring the obvious mercy that we so desperately need.  

It’s actually a lot easier than you think because you don’t need to think. You don’t need words. You aren’t trying to pray! Or convince Hashem. Or describe the situation. Just “Thank You, Hashem. You know what You are doing and I don’t need to get it!” 

Remember: if you understood right now how it was for the good, then it wouldn’t be a test! 

For more about this concept, check out chapter five in The Wonders of Gratitude. 

To read the next part of my answer, see I Just Can’t Pray.

***  

Rachel Avrahami grew up in Los Angeles, CA, USA in a far-off valley where she was one of only a handful of Jews in a public high school of thousands. She found Hashem in the urban jungle of the university. Rachel was privileged to read one of the first copies of The Garden of Emuna in English, and the rest, as they say, is history. She made Aliyah and immediately began working at Breslev Israel.   
 
Rachel is now the Editor of Breslev Israel’s English website. She welcomes questions, comments, articles, and personal stories to her email: rachel.avrahami@breslev.co.il.