Un-Hollywood Glamor

Like most young women in the world, as early as I can remember I was taught that physical beauty was one of the greatest goals I should aspire to. From my earliest teenage years I was trying to dress in an attention-getting way. How could I not? Everywhere I turned there were countless images of impossibly gorgeous women wearing the skimpiest of clothing. Look around today; you can’t even watch the Disney Channel without seeing barely-eleven-year-olds in ridiculously heavy makeup and inappropriate clothes. With all of the pressure to look a certain way, I didn’t even question the way I dressed. I just went along with the rest of society, trying to be the sexiest I could be.

The first time I was made aware of another alternative was when I heard Rabbi Lazer Brody’s amazing CD, entitled “Your Beauty”. Wow, what a wake-up call that was. In this CD, Rabbi Brody describes the benefits of dressing modestly and the drawbacks of dressing immodestly.  Never in a million years did I ever expect that I would be dressing the way I do now. Don’t misunderstand me – I don’t exactly look like a rag. I look like an elegant lady who is preserving her beauty for her husband. Aahh, doesn’t that sound romantic? Well, you know what? It is. I’ll tell you why.

The Torah states, “Don’t place a stumbling block before the blind.” What does this mean? One of my favorite Rabbi Brody stumpers is, “Ladies, do you want your husbands to look at other women? No, of course not. Then why do you dress so other men will look at you?” Ouch. So in what way could we be a stumbling block? Imagine this scenario- A provocatively dressed woman is walking down the street. A man walks by her, and with his “hot mama radar” always turned on, he zooms in on the target and enjoys the view. Next thing you know, he returns home and finds some fault in his wife. He didn’t even make a conscious decision to start a fight, but it happened. What about the sexy woman? She returns home to her husband and they have a fight for no reason. What’s going on here?

As Rabbi Brody explains, imagine that your marriage is held together by 100 sparks. Now, each time you attract attention from other men, you actually allow that man to steal sparks from your marriage. Instead of your marriage being 100 sparks strong, it’s now 85 sparks strong. On the flip side, that man who you made look at you has also lost 15 sparks from his marriage. The less sparks we have holding us together with our spouses, the more shaky the marriage becomes. Now the wife is not first in her husband’s eyes. The cycle continues and many couples end up divorced, some even for reasons they can’t quite pinpoint. The fights just escalate and escalate, until there is nothing left between them.

Looking at this sparks allusion, it’s not hard to understand why nearly all of the lovey-dovey Hollywood couples end up divorced. It’s no wonder- she’s attracting attention and desire from men all over the world, and he’s looking at other women, maybe even cheating, because for reasons he can’t understand, she’s not number one in his heart any more. Look around at the women in your life that dress provocatively; whose attention are they attracting- their husbands’ or other men’s? Do you think they are happy in their marriages? The secret is that once we draw attention from others, we are no longer the sparkling jewel in our husband’s eyes like we were when we got married.

I know, you’re probably thinking, “Why should we women have to pay the price because a man can’t control himself?” This is where the “blind” part comes in. There is a famous quote that states, “What the eyes see, the heart desires.”  Men, for purposes of their own spiritual correction, were programmed with eyes that want to see everything they shouldn’t.  Guarding their eyes is one of the biggest and hardest restrictions a man must do. So why should we make their job any harder? Why should we make their heart desire what is not theirs? Why should we, intentionally or not, make them trip on their path of self-correction and perfection?   Our lives are complicated enough. Do we really need to add someone else’s complicated life into the mix?  What do we have to gain by doing this, other than a moment or two of a superficial ego boost? Not only do we not gain anything, but we can lose everything, God forbid.

And don’t forget, we all grow older, and we will all eventually lose our youthful looks and bodies. Then what are we supposed to do? Run to the plastic surgeon for every little wrinkle? Are we going to turn into sixty-year-old Barbie dolls with plastic faces and silicone chests? How ridiculous will we look when the rest of our bodies are sagging, but the chest is still defying gravity?

We all say inner beauty is important, but do we really feel that way? Do we really hold inner beauty at the same exalted level as outer beauty? No, unfortunately, we don’t. However, by covering up those legs a bit, we can reverse the backwards messages society has been sending us. When I began to dress more modestly, I noticed that my inner beauty began to shine through, and I believe it actually enhanced my outer beauty. Not in a way that is cheap, but in a way that is elegant, almost regal. Even my husband thinks I’m more beautiful dressed up instead of dressed down. Not only does he think I’m more beautiful, but he treats me with greater respect.

I also believe that modesty is a great way of learning to focus on things beyond the physical realm. Especially in our society, when everyone is buying the latest model of this computer or the newest must-have clothes, it is very freeing to not feel pressured by this utter nonsense and waste of time- not to mention the money you can save! Actually, all of the mitzvot have this concept embedded in them. Look at Shabbat; this is a day that is entirely dedicated to spirituality.

Rabbi Brody recounts the story of a woman who went to Rav Shalom Arush for a blessing for protection for her son, who was stationed in the Israeli Army. Rav Arush told her he could not help her, “If your arms are uncovered, how can I guarantee he will come home with both arms? If your legs are uncovered, how can I promise he will come home with both legs?” You may be rolling your eyes, but we have no idea what tremendous blessings we get by dressing modestly.

Covering the hair is a big deal, too. For me it was a very hard thing, since I thought my hair was part of my identity.  It took me several years of covering and uncovering my hair until I was able to fully commit to it.  Actually, covering the hair is one of the best ways to draw tremendous blessings for yourself and your family. As it states in Devarim, “Your camp shall be holy…” The words “your camp” mean your home and community. The Holy Zohar likens a woman’s hair to a vessel that must be covered in order to contain all of the blessings, or else they will “leak”.  Additionally, the Talmud relates the story of a simple woman named Kimchit, who merited that all of her seven sons served as High Priests in the Holy Temple. What made this woman so special? She was not a dignitary, she was not of special lineage. When the sages went to her and asked her what she did to earn such a reward, she stated, “The beams of my house never saw my hair.” That’s it? Yes, that’s it. She was meticulous about performing this mitzvah, thus ensuring that her children would fulfill their spiritual potential.

Since I have embarked on my quest for a new wardrobe (again), I have noticed something interesting. It is extremely hard to find any normal clothes that don’t expose every nook and cranny of my body!  I began to understand the difference between sexy and beautiful. Sexy is, well, sexy- but it’s certainly not beautiful. Beautiful is far deeper; it reaches down to the heart of the person and amplifies the real beauty that is within. This is what we really want. We want to be beautiful in our husband’s eyes. We want to be precious, just like the way we felt when we were dating, engaged, and just married. If you want to renew the passion and romance in your marriage, take Rabbi Brody’s advice and save your beauty for your husband’s eyes only. And, if the Carrie Bradshaw in you needs to put on those Jimmy Choo’s once in a while, make a romantic evening at home, just the two of you. Trust me, he will notice every last detail of your outfit- even the shoes!