Andrew’s Triumph
Andrew has fought valiantly to win the ongoing war of personal holiness. His struggle is ever so representative of our national struggle here in the Holy Land.
I have a deal with Hashem: The Evil Inclination doesn’t exactly roll out the red carpet to our spreading emuna in the world. It’s a war, and the enemy doesn’t let up for a moment. All I ask for is a bit of Divine encouragement when the going gets tough.
Today, I was really discouraged. Rather than taking action and making serious effort to invoke Divine compassion for our beloved homeland, gross public defilement of Eretz Yisrael’s holiness takes place. The utter insensitivity to what our Holy Land is all about is much scarier than any Iranian nuclear weapon…
I cried to Hashem. We all know that the only way to secure our hold on the Holy Land of Israel is through holiness. Hashem had pity on me and gave me renewed optimism with the following letter:
Dear Rabbi Lazer,
I know how busy you are but wanted to re-connect with you after our last meeting. I’ve read and re-read your books – Garden of Peace and The Trail to Tranquility in particular. I’ve also managed to stop abusing my personal holiness, and have succeeded completely for almost 3 months now. I feel like I’ve been let out of a dark prison! It was the greatest challenge I’ve ever had to face – but I realized it was also the one thing that I most needed to fix – it was the key to many other faults and sins I was experiencing. For example – the realization of each failure to avoid temptation of all kinds – pornography and the subsequent ramifications – would create an immediate feeling of depression and anger at my failure, which would then lead me to being angry and short-tempered with my wife. My wife’s resulting silent treatment would lead me into a further vicious circle that would end in more “pgam brit,” wasted seed, and more resentment and anger. Something had to give.
Hashem sent me many messages to try and help me stop – my toddler-age son was having inexplicable ear infections that necessitated quite complex surgery after tons of antibiotics didn’t work. Hashem was loud and clear, but still I was not ‘hearing’ His message sufficiently. I kept promising to myself to try harder, but every time I would say tikun klali and go to the mikvah – the urge would come back even stronger than before – and I would fail every time and have to start from scratch. To try to fix things I started running home after work instead of getting a lift with friends – and dedicating that time to speaking to Hashem and pleading with him to strengthen me. But I still didn’t see immediate results.
The clincher was when my ten-year old son broke a leg in a soccer game. I ended up having to sit up all night in hospital and deal yet again with more doctors and tests that made me realize that I simply can’t go on like this. Since then, somehow (I’m still not fully sure how I’m managing to do this), I’ve managed to wean myself off of the internet and to guard my eyes more effectively day-to-day (it’s still far from perfect with the eyes though!). I know it’s still early days – but for the first time ever I feel that I’ve managed to break out of the cycle of sin, despair and anger.
Then a few weeks ago, my wife suddenly changed towards me. She suddenly decided we needed to upgrade our relationship – out of the clear blue! Since then – for no apparent reason, we have become like we were first dating again. We recently celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary – so we went to the Kotel, followed by lunch in a nice restaurant. I haven’t been to the Wall for a while – but this time something new happened. Upon reaching the wall I felt something extraordinary, like a chill up my arm, but really something that defies description. The wall appeared to be ‘glistening’ or shining with something extra – it was somehow ‘smiling’ at me in a metaphorical sort of way – that I had never experienced before – kedusha? The shechina? Upon reaching the wall up close, I surprised myself completely by bursting into tears – really – literally, rivers flowed from my eyes for over half an hour solid – during which I managed to pray with a great intensity for myself, my family, Am Yisrael, Eretz Yisrael, Mashiach ben David and the Full Geula of our people.I have no idea if it’s because of my new ‘level’ – but over the last few months, I also feel the Land of Israel most intensely than ever before. Simply walking in a park with grass under my feet and trees above my head are almost enough to bring me to tears.
Rabbi – I just wanted to let you know – if you are not the real deal – then we are in big trouble as a people! Because there is simply nothing or nobody else out there that is able to deal with the real difficult tikkun issues that Jewish people are facing in today’s crazy ‘modern’ world. I just wanted to let you know that, that you’re where the spiritual rubber meets the road. Again, thanks for being there for me and thanks for listening. Yours always, Andrew
Dear Andrew,
You can’t imagine the ruckus that your victory in holiness is causing in the Heavens. Not only have you earned your portion in our beloved homeland, but you’ve merited a “hug” from the Divine Presence at the Western Wall. With another couple of Andrews here in Israel, we’ll secure both our foothold and our Divine right to this holy piece of real estate no matter how many enemies surround us. You are one of Israel’s true heroes. Thank you so much for your letter – it’s just what I needed today.
With blessings always, LB
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Thank You, Hashem. Please help us to fight the real war and to spread emuna and kedusha the world over. Nothing else matters. Be patient with us, Hashem – only You know what we’re really up against. Only You can console us. For Your sake, redeem us now, amen!
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