Just One Cigarette
A young wife is really upset about her husband’s casual smoking. The husband claims he’s not addicted, but just keeps on smoking to his wife’s chagrin…
Hi Rabbi Brody,
I have a little bit of an issue that I would greatly appreciate advice on if possible. I got married 9 months ago. When I got married, my husband told me he smokes one cigarette a day. I told him how much it bothered me so he said he would try to stop. He smoked a few times during sheva brachos and after and then I expressed to him again how much it bothered me again and he said he was going to try harder. Since then he smokes very rarely, which I appreciate very much so. But now it has reached the point that every time he smokes it bothers me immensely. When he smokes, I lose respect for him, I feel as if he is not in 
control of his yetzer horah and as if he needs a substance to relax him. I think in a way it makes me view him as weak.
control of his yetzer horah and as if he needs a substance to relax him. I think in a way it makes me view him as weak.My whole life, I have had a very negative feeling towards smoking; the only people around me who smoked were kids off the derech and I viewed it in such a negative way. My husband told me he is not addicted to smoking at all and he doesn’t even have such an urge for it, which makes me wonder even more why can’t he just stop? He said it is just relaxing and geshmac, you know, cool. Also he now says when he goes back to yeshiva he is going to probably smoke every day and he expressed how that is something he always enjoyed doing.
I can’t fully understand why it bothers me to such an extreme extent, but it does. Not only do I lose respect for him, but it makes me feel as if he does not care about me. I cried to him about it. He smoked yesterday and I saw him and I expressed how much it hurts me, and then he smoked again today. He says I cannot be mad at him because at least he is not hiding it from me. He keeps saying okay let’s make a plan for me to stop, but it’s a cycle that keeps happening. Right now I am losing respect for him and feeling as if he does not care about me. I know its irrational and an extremely emotional way of thinking, but I can’t help but think if he truly cares about me and if I was his top priority, why won’t he stop, especially if he says he is not physically addicted?
I want to know how I can deal with this in an appropriate way. I am being completely irrational and unfair? Should I just let him smoke and learn how to look past it? Should I keep expressing to him how much it pains me and try to make a plan with him to stop?
What do you think ideally is the correct thing for me to do in this situation as a good wife and what do you think is ideally the correct thing for my husband to do in this situation?
Thank you so much!
Channi from the USA
Dear Channi,
Your husband should know that smoking is neither relaxing nor geshmack. Anything that is done outside of the framework of Hashem’s will means that it’s not for Hashem. Smoking, in that it destroys the lungs, the heart, and the entire cardiovascular system, is definitely not for Hashem. According to most rabbinical authorities, it’s also a de’oraita sin of willfully endangering one’s health. Whatever is not for Hashem means that it’s for someone or something exclusive of Hashem – calling a spade a spade, that’s avoda zara.
You are certainly right about the way you feel. Any woman wants to be first place in her husband’s eyes, and that means coming before his habits. You are not only fair in asking him to chuck the weed, but you are doing him a tremendous favor. If he would read “The Garden of Peace“, he would realize just how much of a gift you are to him.
You are not doing him a favor by condoning bad habits or negative behavior. A good wife is a rudder that keeps her husband on course. Yet, try to be diplomatic and insistent without insulting him. Through sweetness and soft-spoken words, you’ll wean him from the nicotine sticks. Give him tons of positive reinforcement when he doesn’t smoke.
Tell your husband that smoking and nicotine are really detrimental to male fertility.
Personally, I think it’s much more geshmack to be able to run a couple of miles or do 50 pushups without losing your breath. Piety and cigarettes are mutually exclusive. As for relaxation, nothing in the world beats 60 minutes a day of walking while speaking to Hashem in personal prayer.
I strongly suggest that you read Women’s Wisdom – you’ll find it really helpful for future reference.
With blessings always, LB
* * *
Dear Rabbi Brody,
Thanks for answering my wife. There are plenty of Gedolim that smoke. What do you say about that?
Signed, Channi’s husband
Dear Channi’s Husband,
I’m in no position to say anything about anyone, much less Torah scholars, but all of us – great and small – are required to observe the mitzvot of Torah. At any rate, you’d be better off by imitating their learning habits rather than their smoking habits. Blessings always, LB
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