The Rosy Glasses
If you really notice how much others do for you, then you will be able to overlook the times that they aggravate you; simply use your rose-colored glasses…
The Pressure-Cooker Lifestyle, Part 10
When someone talks angrily to you don’t focus only on the angry words but consider the whole person. If that person is really a good individual who has temporarily succumbed to a moment of weakness remember all the good that they have done for you and for others. Focusing on the good instead of condemning them because of a mistake or one difficult facet of their personality will lessen your anger at them. When you are agitated it is all too easy to forget that they have good qualities and are still worthy of your respect and love.
If, for instance, one of your neighbors’ family disturbs you, instead of only thinking about how much noise they make, remember that they always greet you so cheerfully and try to help you. (In this frame of mind if you really are disturbed by the noise you will be able to voice your request for some consideration in a less aggressive manner).
You can look at a person through two types of “lenses”, a “rosy” one or a “dark” one. You can see them from a positive viewpoint and focus on all the good that they do, and this will calm your anger. Or you can look at a person from a negative viewpoint and see all their faults, which will magnify your anger even more. It’s obviously worth your while to be “selfish” and save yourself from unnecessary anger by focusing on the good.There is a famous story in the Gemoroh of Rav Chiya who had an absolute shrew of a wife; she was the exact opposite of the ideal wife described by the Torah. Nevertheless, Rav Chiya constantly forgave her when she aggravated him and spoke kindly to her. More than that, whenever he found something that she liked he would buy it and bring it home to her as a present.
His talmidim were at a loss to understand why he acted as he did and couldn’t understand why he was always trying to conciliate and appease her. When they asked him he replied “Our wives raise our children and save us from sinning. This is enough reason for us to be indebted to them”.
We see from this that he felt that even though she behaved badly to him the reality was that she was taking care of his basic needs and for that he was extremely grateful and bought her presents.
We’re talking here about seeing what other people do for you, things that you tend to take completely for granted, and being grateful to them. If you really notice how much others do you will be able to overlook the times that they aggravate you, and understand that it is insignificant against all the good that you receive from them.
As a wife you should really appreciate that your husband works hard all day to support you and the family. And perhaps your husband should also appreciate all that you do day in day out to take care of his basic needs and run the home so that he has a pleasant home to live in, whilst at the same time bringing up the children.
Everyone is an expert at evaluating what he does for others. You should apply that same standard to those others and acknowledge and appreciate what they do for you.
It is human nature for us to magnify our good points whilst minimizing our bad points, to the extent that a person will sometimes see himself as being wholly good when in reality the opposite is true. But when it comes to other people we do the exact opposite; we project our faults onto them and see their virtues as a reflection of our own good qualities.
Let’s apply the view we have of ourselves to other people too!
AVOID CRITICIZING
Someone who habitually criticizes others will never be calm because the two are incompatible; in order to criticize you must first find fault and be aggravated.
Such a person is in an endless cycle of unhappiness; he is always dissatisfied and resentful, and consequently always complaining, condemning and accusing.
He feels that life is an endless round of frustrations and disappointments and that the world is out to get him; and because he has such a negative view of life he interprets everything in life negatively. Even when someone hurts or upsets him by mistake he is sure that it was done deliberately!
A chronic fault-finder alienates everyone around him and when they stay away from him he is sure that everyone hates him. Such a person will never feel any joy or happiness because he himself is ruining his own life.
Constantly criticizing and finding fault is a sign of a suspicious mind. Negative speech is the expression of a negative mind. Even if that person doesn’t verbalize his negative thoughts his feelings and actions are still ruled by them and he will deal with people in the way that he views them.
A man’s conversations reflect his character and interests in life. A Talmid Chochom speaks of learning and a businessman speaks about his business. One who constantly criticizes exposes the flaws in his character that he is trying to hide by projecting them onto others.
It is especially important to be careful with criticism when dealing with those closest to you because they are the most vulnerable. If you judge your family critically it will be reflected in your actions and your reactions to their actions. One should always judge family members favorably and not suspect them of wrong doing or of concealing things from you.
The way to correct this is by changing your “glasses” and viewing the world around you in a positive light; this is the cure for the “illness” of negativity. Never criticize others, but instead seek ways of justifying their actions. It will be very difficult in the beginning but slowly you will be able to see the good in others not just the bad, because there isn’t a person in the world who doesn’t have at least one good point in their favor.
Even if in the beginning you’re unable to see any good in anyone, especially your spouse or children (otherwise why would you be complaining) you can start by commenting on the fact that it is so nice to see that your spouse works so hard to keep the house clean, or cook nutritious food (or anything else that she does for the sake of the family). Slowly as you look for the good you will see more and more of it.
The most important thing is to make the decision to consciously seek out things that can be interpreted as good and to stick with this decision, however false or wrong it might seem to you in the beginning.
Instead of asking yourself “what is wrong here”, ask yourself “what is right here”.
There is an additional point here; we will be using the husband and wife relationship as the model although it could refer to anyone else as well.
Very often a husband will criticize his wife on a regular basis, not because he is a chronic criticizer and finding fault with her, but because he genuinely feels that her way of running the home (or bringing up the children) is not the right way and he wants to “help” her “improve” her performance. It must be very clearly understood that this will only produce the opposite result with the wife obstinately clinging to her way of doing things.
And the reason for this is that the home is the wife’s domain and she feels that such “interference” and “criticism” is a personal attack on her as a woman. (Would you like it if your wife was constantly criticizing the way you run your business and always telling you what to do)?
A husband must first realize and accept that there are many ways of doing things and each person chooses the way that they feel most comfortable with, or continues what they saw in their parents’ home.
If, after all that, the husband still feels that things could be improved he must first and foremost acknowledge all the good that his wife does on a constant basis in caring for him, the home and their children. After that, he can attempt to negotiate with her but only if she is agreeable to it.
I will give you a small example that happened to me in my home in London.
When I washed dishes I never left them on the draining board to drain, but always dried them immediately and put them away in the cupboard; I was most comfortable with that way of working. My first husband o”h on the other hand, felt that it would be more efficient and save time if, after I had washed the dishes I left them on the draining board for about twenty minutes; he reasoned that they would be half-dry and that would save drying-time.
As he was correct in his assumption, we conducted an experiment and one day I left the dishes on the draining board as he requested.
And what was the outcome?
I am the type of person that whilst I’m doing something I’m wrapped up in it and concentrate only on that. Once I move on to something else, I lose interest in the previous job. And here too it was the same; after half an hour when my husband o”h invited me back to dry the dishes, I told him that the time for drying dishes had passed and I had no interest in them any more – and the dishes remained on the draining board until I washed the next set dishes.
My husband o”h, being very intelligent, finally understood that everyone has their own method of working which they’re comfortable with, and that this was my way; he never tried to get me to change again.
On the other hand, because I saw that there were certain things that he wanted done in a specific way I did adapt myself, but that was because it was my choice and not because I had been “forced” to do it.
Global Attacks
Be especially carefully not to make “global attacks”, i.e. seeing no good whatsoever in the person you’re angry with.
An example of this would be if a husband said to his wife “You never do anything right”; (I’m sure that she does many things very well because it’s not possible for someone not to do anything right ever).
Or a wife might say to her husband “You’re so clumsy, you break everything you touch”; (no-one breaks everything they touch or there wouldn’t be anything left whole in the house).
Global attacks strike at the very core of the person being attacked and are very painful and demoralizing.
Instead of saying “But you never help me” try saying “I know that you (sometimes, usually) always! try to help me, so something must have happened if you aren’t able to do so now”. (What a difference a change in wording makes)!
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