Don’t Be Sorry

Them: You’re divorced? I’m so sorry.

Me: Really, don’t be.

Them: But wait – can I ask you a question?   You’re divorced and you’re still covering your hair? Why?!

Me: Because that is the halachah (Jewish law) and this is what I was told to do by my Rabbanim. I’m not about to go Rabbi shopping for a heter (leniency) either – I asked Hashem to tell my Rabbonim what I should do, and this is what they told me.

Them: But don’t you know you’ll never get married? You have to take it off! No one knows you’re single! (This is the b’derech hateva – the natural way – answer).

Me: Yes, that is according to the natural order of things. But if Hashem wants me to cover my hair, and Hashem is my Shadchan, then doesn’t it make sense that I have a BETTER chance of getting married covering my hair than not, since I am doing what my Shadchan wants me to do? (The emuna answer – thank you Rabbi Brody for clarifying for me!)

Them: But, isn’t it really difficult?

Me: Of course it is. But the best things in life are difficult – and worth it.

Them: Nebuch (what a shame), such a nice beautiful girl has to keep covering her hair, divorced at so young. At least there were no children (sigh).

Before I read In Forest Fields – The Garden of Prayer I used to commiserate with them and feel sad for myself. I would walk away trying to strengthen my emuna and tell myself that it is all for the best, but I really didn’t feel that way. I felt like I had a big black X on my forehead – DIVORCEE – and as long as that tichel is on, I can’t ever run away from it. I wished I could somehow make it all go away and date as if it all never happened.

Then I started internalizing this concept called thanking Hashem for the seemingly bad. At first, I thought it was an impossible feat to achieve – you mean, I actually have to be grateful for being put through hell and back??? I mean, gratitude that it’s over – that’s one thing. But that it happened? You must be kidding!

I decided to try it anyways. Sure, it wouldn’t be so wholehearted, but if you start out not so whole-hearted, you’ll hopefully eventually get there. Better than not doing it at all.

So I decided to go for it, and started thanking Hashem for the entire sordid situation. Nothing changed on day 1, or 2 or even 3. And then somewhere in the week 1 – 2 period I had a revelation. The truth is, it wasn’t so much of a gigantic revelation as much as a very subtle change – suddenly, I really meant it.

I said, “Thank you, Hashem, that I have to wear a tichel on my head every day as a divorcee” and it just didn’t hurt the same way.   The edge was taken off. I put my tichel (hair scarf) on in the morning and smiled. I focused on how beautiful I look when it’s done up all pretty and thanked Hashem that at least I look cute in them. I thanked Hashem that my headaches were so much better, tichel and all. I thanked Hashem for the fact that even without me choosing it, I am a walking teacher – not only of the true halachah, but of emuna.   I might not have chosen it, but it’s not a handicap – it is a zechut (merit, honor).

Then I realized that all of the unbelievably tremendous good and bounty that I now have – who knows where I would have been without this suffering? Who knows that I would have even recognized the tremendous good of moving to Israel? Perhaps I never would have looked hard enough at my priorities, perhaps I would have just remained a mediocre Jew in America instead of a growing Jew in Israel? Perhaps I wouldn’t merit the deep, close connection I now feel to Hashem? I don’t know why I had to go through all that, but if this mind-boggling amount of blessing is the result, then thank you Hashem because it was worth it!

Even more, I am now able to help other people that are still in their own personal suffering. I can give them hope and strength – because if I could get out of the horrific situation that I was in and be in this amazing, beyond words place of openness and salvation – so can they. I tell them: I know how painful and scary it is – I’ve been there. If Hashem saved me, Hashem can save anyone – and He will if only you don’t give up hope and hold onto your emuna! And I mean it because even though every situation is different, the pain, fear and anguish is the same. And again, I say – wow, being able to help people because I’ve been there is so worth it! Thank you Hashem for this experience and the ability to help other people because of it!

And I really, truly feel it deep inside of myself. I feel it in the morning when I put my tichel on, I feel it when I walk the streets of Jerusalem, I feel it when I’m coming back from work to the little apartment I call home. And whenever someone tells me: “I’m so sorry!” I respond: “I’m so grateful for what I went through; it was so good for me and so worth it. Really, don’t be sorry!”