Developing Good Habits

Even as an adult the first time you see or hear something wrong you are repulsed by it but prolonged exposure desensitizes you to the point where you see nothing wrong with it. This applies even more to children; if something is continuously done a specific way it becomes internalized in them and part of their nature. If they do later try to change it is a lengthy and arduous struggle; long after the intellect might have accepted the change the heart is still battling to internalize and accept that change as correct (and as we know in a moment of crisis if we are not extremely careful we fall right back into old habits). It is the work of years to break a habit formed in childhood.

If, for example, you use refined, gentle, clean language your children will absorb that way of speaking and they too will speak in the same manner; it will be ingrained in them and feel right to them. Even though they will pick up other things later on it will still be far easier to stop them and re-direct them than if they had grown-up hearing coarse language in the home; if children grow up hearing an unrefined way of speaking it will take a lot of hard work to retrain them to instinctively speak in a refined way.

You should be aware that you, as a parent are not living in a vacuum; everything you do is being filmed and recorded for “posterity” in that “computer” called your child’s mind. Once those impressions have been imprinted on the micro-chips of the motherboard, i.e. recorded in the brain cells of your child’s mind, it’s not easy to overwrite the instructions on that motherboard.

But children will only accept and internalize all this if they see that you do the same. You cannot live by the maxim “Do as I say and not as I do”, because your children will, in the end, “do as you do” – ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

Because I wanted to instill my principles in my children, almost from the day they could understand what I was saying I used to talk about those principles in a general way. I would tell them stories and bring examples of how wonderful such and such a middoh (character trait) or principle is, and how beloved it is in the eyes of Hashem, thus instilling a love in the children from a very young age for the principle that I wanted them to accept.

With my daughters, because I wanted them to grow up having absorbed the fact that it was their task and privilege to be wives and mothers (and that includes housework), I already began talking about it at a very young age. I used to talk about the beauty of the Jewish home, and tell them how wonderful it is to be a housewife and mother, and what a reward we as women have to be able to run the home and have children. I also used to tell them what gratification Hashem has when we do His will.

In addition I also let them “help” me with housework, and whilst they were helping me (and making an even greater mess than before) I was showing and explaining to them, on their level, the correct way of doing whatever we were working at.

A word of caution here: No two children are the same and each child’s chinuch (education) must be suited to that child’s nature and personality. What is suitable for one child, might be very unsuitable for another.

For instance, you cannot expect a sweet, docile child to act the same as a child with an active and out-going personality; nor will a child who is all fingers and thumbs be able to manage as well as someone who is neat and tidy. Some children are fearful whereas others are dare-devils; the list of different human traits is endless. But more important than anything is the love, understanding and patience with which you are mechanech your children (yes, even when one of them has poured water all over the floor in an effort to be “helpful”).

In order for you to succeed and for your children to feel happy, fulfilled and successful it is of the utmost importance to gear the chinuch of each child to its nature and temperament.