The Best Atmosphere

The subject of marriage and sholom bayit is a vast one and not the focus of this article, so I will only touch briefly on the subject. I feel the basis of a good marriage can be encapsulated in the following two sayings:

No. 1: “Treat your husband as a king and you will be a queen in his eyes; treat him as a servant and he will consider you a slave”.

The meaning of this is very “simple”: If you treat your husband with the respect, devotion, caring and desire to fulfill his needs as you would for a king, he will reciprocate and behave towards you in the same way. But treat him as a servant and he will not suffer it; he will do his utmost to bring you to heel. (Every man wants to be the boss in his own home).

The second saying is similar in meaning to the first one:

“Treat your husband the way you would want to be treated and it will be returned to you”. If you (and your husband) accept and really practice these two sayings you will have a happy marriage.

So what does all this have to do with the chinuch (education) of children?

Children who grow up in a home where there is constant strife between the parents will grow up as hurt and confused adults, added to which they will have been “educated” that this is how one behaves in marriage; one is “supposed” to constantly be fighting with one’s spouse and tearing each other apart.

And even though their intellect might understand that it is “not right” they could well follow a similar pattern in their own marriage, a) because they are hurt, confused and suspicious, which right from the start puts them at a disadvantage, and b) because that is how they have been “conditioned” to interact with a spouse.

So as you can see a happy marriage is a vital part of chinuch. A good marriage is likened to ground that has had the rocks and stones removed so that it is flat and even and you do not stumble as you walk along.

In contrast an unhappy marriage has been likened to ground that is full of rocks and stones, ready to trip you up at any unwary moment.

Now that we’ve prepared the “ground” let’s look at how we want our children, to grow up – what we actually want from them. I think we will all agree that what we want from our children is that they grow up to be good, upright human beings.

If that’s “all” we want then I must tell you that the first rule is that you must be a role model yourself; by that I mean that you must work on being a “good, upright human being” yourself.

That doesn’t mean that you suddenly need to pretend that you are a tzaddekess, praying three times a day and dressed in sackcloth because it’s not the true you (well maybe you are, but I’m not). Your children will immediately sense that you’re putting on an act; they won’t trust you and you won’t be able to keep it up.

What I mean by this is that you need to show that you value, and try to live by those values that make an upright human. This must be reflected both in the home and outside so that there’s no dichotomy between the two, and that includes not only the spiritual side of yiddishkeit – how you daven and keep mitzvos – but also the material side – how you behave and act in every-day life.

We’re talking about the clothes you wear and the way you wear them; the way you speak and the language you use (refined and gentle as opposed to rough and course), and the music you hear.

We’re talking about the subjects that interest you; do you talk about the latest foreign fashions and trends, or about the beauty of our way of life. What is of more importance to you; the neighbor who has a beautiful home or the talmid chochom, with his wonderful character and the Torah he learns. Your children will very clearly see what your ideals and priorities are by what you talk about and what excites you.

What about the way you react to the things that happen to you in every-day life; do you rage about it and blame everyone else? And how do you interact with people? We’re talking about goodness, sweetness, gentleness, honesty and respect; and this applies to everyone around you, both outside the home, but most especially within the home. (Obviously there are times when you do need to be firm and strict, but we’re discussing general behavior here).

In other words, what interests you and how you behave in everyday life shows what’s important to you and teaches your children the correct way to lead their lives.

In fact the more I think about it the more I feel that the way you live your daily life is not the first rule – it is the foundation of chinuch; if children do not see their parents living this way it is very doubtful it they themselves will live like that.