Don’t Be Stingy
One of the most harmful traits to domestic harmony is a husband’s stinginess. Hashem commands even a poor man to honor his wife beyond what he can afford...
The Garden of Riches, Part 12
One of the cruelest character traits, and one most harmful to domestic harmony, is stinginess. A stingy person loves his money to such an extent that he is 
oblivious to other peoples’ suffering. As a result, he becomes cruel, has absolutely no mercy on others, and refrains from distributing charity. Because he is blinded by his love of money – “Bribery blinds the eyes of the wise, and perverts the words of the righteous” – he does not even realize that he is being cruel. For that reason, a stingy person is generally disliked, and that, of course, will not add blessing to his life or financial situation.
oblivious to other peoples’ suffering. As a result, he becomes cruel, has absolutely no mercy on others, and refrains from distributing charity. Because he is blinded by his love of money – “Bribery blinds the eyes of the wise, and perverts the words of the righteous” – he does not even realize that he is being cruel. For that reason, a stingy person is generally disliked, and that, of course, will not add blessing to his life or financial situation.It’s Mine!
Stinginess has its roots in “My power and the might of my hand hath gotten me this wealth” (Devarim 8:17). A stingy person thinks that he, and not Hashem, is in charge of his livelihood. This lack faith expresses itself in two ways:
1) When a person is wealthy, he thinks that he attained that wealth as a result of his efforts, and, therefore, he feels that the wealth belongs to him and to him alone; he wants to keep that wealth for himself. He doesn’t understand that Hashem gave him wealth so that he could use it, not only for himself, but also for the people who depend on him. When Hashem sees that a person does not share his wealth with others who are less fortunate than he is, Hashem takes his wealth away from him.
The person who refuses to share his wealth does not realize that as long as Hashem wants him to be wealthy, no matter how much money he spends, he will always have more. It goes without saying that he will not lose out from spending money on a mitzvah, especially on the mitzvah of tzedaka. On the other hand, if Hashem does not want him to be wealthy, not even the most carefully planned scheme will help him keep his wealth. If he places his money in a dozen vaults, and Hashem wants him to lose it, Hashem will take it away from him.
2) When a person does not have money, he might assume that since he is poor, he does not have to give tzedaka and encourage his family to give tzedaka. He does not realize that Hashem is constantly giving to him. As our Rabbis said, “When a poor person gives tzedaka, there are no signs of poverty.” But if he thinks that his money belongs to him, and that its only objective is to provide for his personal needs, then there is no reason for the Creator to increase the amount of money that He is giving him.
There are different types of misers:
1. Some misers are stingy with strangers, but not with their families.
2. Some misers desire honor. They are generous in public, and stingy with their families.
3. Some misers are stingy with everyone. They are stingy with strangers and with family, but generous with themselves, to such an extent that they even pamper themselves.
4. Some misers are stingy with everyone. They don’t even allow themselves to enjoy their own money. Instead, they keep it hidden somewhere, and in the end, it is either all lost or left for others to enjoy.
A Good Husband
One of the worst types of misers is a miser who is stingy with his family, and, as a result of his stinginess, he is insensitive to the needs of his wife and children. He is cruel and does not provide for their needs. Since he views basic household expenses as luxuries, he is constantly angry with his family and makes their lives miserable.
A miserly husband causes his wife tremendous pain, because, by nature, a woman needs to receive money from her husband. If a woman’s husband is poor and unable to provide properly for her, she will understand the situation, but it will still be painful. But it is very painful for a woman if her husband has the means to provide for his family and does not. And it is even more painful for a woman if her husband is generous with himself and strangers, but stingy with his wife and family.
If a man truly believes in what the Gemara says – that a man who honors his wife becomes wealthy – he will honor his wife and shower her with clothes and jewelry. He will never become upset about how she spends the family money, even if she really does purchase unnecessary luxuries, for two reasons:
1. Anger causes a person to lose his source of livelihood.
2. Honoring one’s wife causes one to have a livelihood.
The Gemara also states, “A person should always eat and drink according to less than what he can afford, dress according to what he can afford, and honor his wife and children with more than what he can afford” (Chulin 74).
Honoring one’s wife is one of the few mitzvot where the Almighty requires a person to spend more than what he can afford. Even when it comes to hidur mitzvoth, beautifying the object of a mitzvah (such as purchasing a beautiful etrog or Chanuka menorah), our rabbis limit a person to spending up to a third more than the object’s true worth.
When it comes to honoring one’s wife, Hashem views it as so important that He commands even an indigent man to honor his wife beyond what he can afford. Being poor is not an excuse for not honoring one’s wife, and a poor man must do everything in his power to honor his wife. This includes praying to Hashem to provide one with the means to honor one’s wife, as well as doing everything possible to be able to provide for her properly. If he has no other choice, a man should even borrow money to honor his wife, as long as he has the ability to repay the money he borrows.
If a man truly desires to honor his wife and support his family properly, the Almighty will help him and provide him with the means to do so because that is what Hashem commanded him to do.
In this way, the mitzvah to honor one’s wife differs from other mitzvot. Even if a person wants to do more than he is financially capable of – he wants, for example, to build yeshivot and support Torah scholars, both extremely important — and he asks the Almighty to give him the ability to do so, there is no guarantee that Hashem will give him that ability; Hashem never commanded a person to give more tzedaka than he is capable of giving.
But since Hashem Himself commanded a man to honor his wife with even more than he has, if a man truly desires to fulfill this commandment, the Almighty will certainly come to his assistance.
Even if a man is in difficult financial straits, he should, therefore, never tell his wife, “I don’t have the money.” Instead, he should say, “Yes, my wife. Whatever you want, I will buy you. I will pray to Hashem and do whatever is necessary so that I will be able to give you whatever your heart desires, God willing.” When Hashem sees the man’s true desire, He will come to his aid, and he will merit honoring his wife and children with even more than what he has.
To be continued.
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