Fertility under Fire
A young childless wife’s normal monthly disappointment of not yet being a mother is now more complicated by the fright of Gaza rocket threats. Her husband seeks urgent advice…
Dear Rabbi Brody,
My wife and I have made Aliya two years ago. Hashem has been so good to us – I landed an excellent teaching job in one of the local academic institutions and my wife has her own little business from home. We have a gorgeous 5th-floor penthouse in Beersheba. We picked Beersheba because it looked like the safest place in Israel – far away from the borders and peaceful. Anyway, the recent Gaza war changed all that because the Hamas missiles have hit our city hard. They’ve also complicated my marriage.
Here’s my problem; excuse me, because it’s now even more complicated than what it was before the war. My wife and I are both athletic and we enjoy good health. Weirdly enough, we don’t yet have children of our own even though our checkups show that we are both fertile without a doubt. My wife is very regular as well. The doctors say that there’s no reason she shouldn’t get pregnant, but it just doesn’t seem to happen. Her disappointments every month usually lead to tension and bickering over non-consequential things. We’ve been married for six years and now – to make things worse – there are Grad missiles to contend with. Each siren gives us 45 seconds to run to the bomb shelter down on the ground floor of our building. We don’t dare use the elevator, so we chase down five flights of stairs to the shelter. This can happen three or four times a day and in the middle of the night too.
Frankly speaking, even though the missiles have tapered off in recent days, we haven’t had relations in over a month. My wife is terrified that sirens will go off right in the middle of intimacy and she’s frozen up completely. So now, with her normal disappointment of not yet being a mother, she has the complications of fright from the Gaza rocket threats and the frustration of no marital relations with her husband. Just for that, I’d love to bash some Hamasnik in the teeth, but that doesn’t solve my problem. Rabbi Lazer, please give me some urgent advice. I know my question is mumble-jumble, but I’m sure Hashem will give you the right message for me. With gratitude, Chaim from Beersheba
Dear Chaim,
The bickering is expected, since you and your wife are quite up tight with month after month of anticipation, then month after month of disappointment. I know it’s not easy, but you as a man should both sharpen your self-awareness, anticipate the sticky and dangerous situations that are liable to be volatile, and avoid the senseless clashes, especially during the time of the month when you can’t be intimate. The tight nerves are also counterproductive to fertility.
Before I address the issue of the missile threat, I’d like to ask you a candid question: Did you and your wife ever ask Hashem for a baby? According to nature, everything’s OK, but yet, you still have no children. This is an obvious wake-up call from Hashem. As soon as you and your wife establish a true emuna-oriented relationship with Hashem, He’ll most certainly give you children of your own.
Chaim, you live right on the outskirts of the gorgeous Negev Desert. There are miles and miles of fantastic places to talk to Hashem. If I were you, I’d take a canteen of water, find myself an isolated hilltop, and yell my heart out to Hashem. Even better, take your wife (if she’s not afraid), and let her do hitbodedut in the desert too while keeping you within eye shot. Tell her to cry her eyes out, praying in her own words – in English – and beg Hashem for whatever she wants. Hanna, the prophet Samuel’s mother, did the same thing. So did Isaac and Rebecca. Repeat this as much as possible.
Try to eat as naturally as possible. Figs, garlic, warm eggs, hilba (Yemenite fenugreek paste), warm milk and fresh almonds are fantastic for male fertility. You both should eat red or blue grapes as well.
As far as the missiles go, you can’t “force” your wife to be calm. Appreciate how she feels. Remember, you are a logic-oriented man. Your wife is a sensitive emotional-oriented woman. Don’t try to convince her that statistically, there’s a minuscule chance of anything happening to her. Also, don’t preach emuna to her. Both approaches will irritate her even more. Be a personal example of calm and quiet strength. Empathize with her, feel for her, and don’t feel sorry for yourself. Spend as much time as possible simply being with her and talking to her. Give her all the listening time she needs. Tell her that it’s natural and understandable to be afraid, but that you’re right there with her and Hashem is with you both. Be very careful to speak in a gentle and patient tone – this demands emuna strengthening on your part, and that will give her strength.
Even though I’m a diehard about not leaving our homes under fire, in your case I would suggest that you take her for a few days to a hotel in a really quiet place. Try the Dead Sea – there are some wonderful hotels and spas there. Besides, there’s not much to do there except to be together. In fact, until we reach a lasting truce and ceasefire, you should arrange to spend mikveh night and/or the following Shabbat in a hotel.
Chaim, if you haven’t as yet read The Garden of Peace, please do so. A husband’s comments and criticisms can make a wife nervous enough to sorely inhibit fertility. In several similar cases, I’ve seen childless women become pregnant after their husbands implemented Rav Shalom Arush’s advice of never criticizing, no matter what. The type of security that a criticism-free environment gives a wife is probably the best fertility enhancer there is.
With Hashem’s loving grace, I pray that you’ll be parents within the next 12 months. Peace and blessings, Lazer Brody
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