First Obligation
It is absolutely out of the question for a husband to make his wife responsible for supporting the family. It is his responsibility, not hers…
The Garden of Bliss, Part 9
Rebbe Nachman of Breslev writes (Likutei Moharan II:7):
One who desires to gird himself to become the wage-earner, and to make a decent living, must be an man of valor, and not the opposite, what we call a shlemazal (someone who can’t do anything right). He must have the touch of leadership, since a person’s livelihood is drawn from the sefira of malchut, kingship.
Therefore, one who desires to receive a livelihood must have a touch of leadership, so that he is, in some way, connected to kingship, this is the aspect of “at the time of eating, go over there [the Gemara says that ‘there’ is referring to kingship]…..” (Ruth 2) So at the time of eating, he must have leadership that is “an aspect of kingship” because through this his livelihood is passed down.
When a man takes responsibility for his wife and realizes that it is his duty to support his family, as written in the marriage contract, “I will work, honor and support” he is given a certain level of leadership, as it states, “And he shall rule over you” (Bereishit 3) because through this leadership he is able down a livelihood.
We see from Rebbe Nachman’s words that for a man to be able to receive a livelihood from Above to support his family, he cannot be lazy or lethargic, nor can he be depressed or sad, since that is the aspect of mochin d’katnut, small mindedness. A husband cannot hide from his obligation to support his wife. A husband is obligated to support his wife. Rather than be lazy, he should take whatever action is necessary on both a spiritual and physical level to fulfill that obligation. On a spiritual level he should turner to the Provider and beg Him to give provide him with an adequate livelihood. On a physical level, he should take physical whatever steps necessary to earn an adequate livelihood.
Be Responsible
It’s the husband’s responsibility to support his family. It’s his responsibility, and it’s his alone. It is not a wife’s duty to support the family; she should not have to worry about how to put the bread on the table. According to Jewish law, when a man stands under the chuppa (marriage canopy), he obligates himself to support his family. In the Ketuba, the marriage contract that a husband hands his wife under during the marriage ceremony, the husband signs that he agrees to “work, honor, nourish, provide for, earn a living, provide clothing,” for his wife. In other words, while standing under the marriage canopy, a man obligates himself to supporting is wife and family, which includes providing his wife and family with adequate food, clothing, housing etc. This is solely the husband’s responsibility. The woman is not responsible to support the family.
This is what Rebbe Nachman states, that only when a man fastens his belt (in other words takes responsibility) for his wife, and obligates himself to provide for her, is he able to draw down a livelihood from Above. When a man takes responsibility for his family, he aligns himself with the attribute of malchut, kingship, and therefore is able to make a living. But when the husband hides from his responsibility and feels that he is not capable of supporting his family, he is lacking this attribute of malchut, kingship, and therefore is unable to drawn down a livelihood from Above.
So we see that mere fact that the husband accepts his responsibility to support the family will, in itself, cause him to succeed in earning a living, for through taking responsibility he attains from Above an aspect of kingship, and as a result of this aspect of kingship he is able to attain a livelihood.
His Responsibility
A rule in life – it is absolutely out of the question for a husband to make his wife responsible for supporting the family. It is his responsibility, not hers. Therefore, he should be careful not to involve her in his financial problems, and certainly not let her worry about his financial problems! Rather, he should provide for his wife and if, for some reason, he is encountering difficulties in supporting his family, he should be the one to take care of it, not her. It is his problem, not hers. If a man is in debt, he should be the one to pay back his debts. He should not get his wife involved in or upset about these problems. It is the husband’s responsibility to support his wife, and if he is encountering difficulties it is he, not she, who is not living up to his obligation.
Since a husband’s first responsibility is to support his family, he cannot claim, “Since I am wallowing in debt, I am unable to support my family. First let me pay back my debts, and then I will begin supporting my family.” A man’s first responsibility is to his wife, and that responsibility takes precedence over his responsibility to his debtors.
To learn more about how to respect your wife, see Rabbi Shalom Arush’s acclaimed marital guide for men, The Garden of Peace.
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