Teen Tantrums
Parents often confuse love, which can never be too much, with spoiling. Spoiling is giving in to negative behavior and failing to maintain clear boundaries…
Dear Rabbi Brody,
How can my husband and I reach our son Marty who we have just found out is smoking marijuana? He goes into extreme tantrums of screaming rages when he can’t get his way, He is 16 years old. I have been asking Hashem for guidance, but I am at a loss about praying. I have been a Christian all my life, but recently realized together with my husband that we have not been in the right place. So with that, I have not been confident in my prayers. I do not want to just go through the motions, I love G-d and feel we are finally on the right track with our faith. This is a real surprise test, and I’m sincerely lost about what to do with our son. He used to be such a compassionate young man, was good to everyone, and respectful. Unfortunately, we no longer see that. Thank you for your time and the way you care about people. Any guidance you can give would be appreciated. Sincerely, Cindy Ross, Delaware, USA
Dear Mrs. Ross,
Hashem works in wonderful ways. Your letter shows the power of personal prayer and that you can be confidant about your prayers: you asked Hashem for guidance, and when you really want to find Hashem, He is happy to show you the way. We here at Breslev Israel are therefore both humbled and delighted that you wrote us.
First of all, as far as your 16-year-old’s “screaming rages when he can’t get his way,” you must be gentle but very firm and not give in this form of teen terror and emotional blackmail. He must learn that such negative behavior is not productive, and if he wants to communicate with his parents, he must do so in a civilized manner. That means ignoring the screaming, yelling, and tantrums. On the other hand, you must positively reinforce acceptable behavior by giving him your complete and undivided attention when he seeks it respectfully.
Children often resort to “show-stopping” antics to catch the attention of parents who otherwise don’t give them sufficient attention.
Second, your husband should devote at least three hours of quality “one-on-one” time to your son every week. This could manifest itself in several ways, such as a hike, bike-ride, fishing outing, or the like.
The important thing is that they have plenty of quality time to talk and to be together.
The more you and your husband become loving confidants with your son, the less undesirable peers will have an influence on him. Rather than reprimanding him for his behavior – which at age 16 won’t help anyway – you’ll be giving him the love and attention that will ultimately render substance usage superfluous, as long as you nip this in the bud before he becomes addicted to the weed.
Third, you and your husband should devote at least 10 minutes a day of your personal prayer to asking Hashem to lead your son on an upright path. There’s nothing in the world like personal example to reinforce this.
Fourth, I strongly suggest that you and your husband read “The Garden of Emuna” and “The Trail to Tranquility.” GOE will boost your faith, and TTTT will help you cope with an angry family member. The two books together will give you a wonderful perspective on faith, spirituality, your place in the world, and meeting life’s challenges with a smile on your face.
Fifth, love and patience are the key words. Strong-arm discipline is never effective in the long run. Don’t confuse love (which can never be too much) with spoiling. Spoiling is giving in to negative behavior and failing to maintain clear boundaries. Make sure to teach your son whatever standards of civil behavior that you demand, but make sure that you and your husband uphold those standards religiously. Teenagers have a keen radar for hypocrisy, so we as parents must practice what we preach. True, it’s not easy to begin molding positive behavior at 16, but better late than never. When your son sees that you and your husband speak to each other with respect and love, he’ll follow suit, especially when he realizes that the tantrums don’t get him anywhere.
I pray for your success. With blessings always, Rabbi Lazer Brody, Breslev Israel
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