Arguing With the Referee
While you are arguing with the referee, your opponent is taking a breather and calculating his next move. Nobody ever walks away the winner after wasting his energy on anger.
I once had a friend who was a soccer coach. I overheard him directing his team and something he said stuck. It is superb advice and is one of those great tricks that can both save you a mountain of grief and can be used in just about any situation: Don’t argue with the referee. While you are arguing with the ref the other team, if they know what they are doing, is regrouping and preparing for the next play.
It teaches children to focus on what they can control. I’m not the sportiest person on earth, but I have never seen a referee thank the person berating them for bringing something to their attention and reverse a call. I could be wrong, but I’ve never seen this. The ref is a variable in the game, like the wind, like a bump in the pitch, like the runny nose you woke up with. The champions figure this out and win anyway, or at least give it their all. Ultimately the only person on the field you can control is yourself. This is quite satisfying and liberating.
It doesn’t mean we have to surrender to the inept and the corrupt. Often there are mechanisms for dealing with the blind ref, the teams that cheat, the parents who behave like they are possessed because their ten-year-old can’t do a perfect throw-in. And if there aren’t mechanisms, if it’s a big enough deal to you, you can help create them. But that takes maturity and patience. It takes delaying gratification. It takes some faith that maybe something can be done, will be done.
One of the most liberating religious concepts a person can embrace is the concept of perfect justice. Rabbi Brody talks about this at length in The Trail to Tranquility. The bottom line is that everyone will get their due. That doesn’t mean you sit back and watch injustices occur because you know in the end, and maybe even in that moment, that God is handling the situation. But it does mean even if it seems like someone has escaped earthly justice, they have not escaped Hashem. No one can.
Of course this also means that you and I aren’t hiding from Hashem either. This produces some compassion for your fellow man. I sometimes gloat when I see someone getting busted and then I get this sinking feeling and realize I probably shouldn’t. I picture Hashem turning and looking at me, raising an eyebrow, and saying, “Oh really?” That’s when I try to look busy. Hashem has no time for my gloating. I need to focus on the decisions in front of me, to rise above my emotions, and do good.
When we can manage to rise above the moment it’s almost like humility and strength meld. You are humble enough to accept that there are very few things within your sphere of influence and are strong enough to move forward anyway. Instead of diffusing your energy by attempting to do Hashem’s job for Him, or some other person’s job, you direct your energy to the task at hand, preparing for the next play.
Take, for example, the Women’s Gymnastics Individual All-Arounds at the Olympics. The top two teams were the Americans and the Chinese. The Chinese won the team competition, leaving the Americans with the silver medal. Because gymnasts are all about perfection, the American women looked like they hadn’t medaled at all, silver shmilver. (As a teacher I on occasion taught some swimmers and gymnasts. You have to be really careful when grading them because they will fight you for every hundredth of a point.) But the Americans were also steamed because, as you probably know, the Chinese have been accused of cheating by lying about the ages of three of the young women on their team. There is compelling evidence to support these allegations that might make your eyes roll into the back of your head. In fact, one of the Chinese gymnasts who competed in the Atlanta games has fully confessed to being underage during the competition. In gymnastics, competing prior to puberty gives you a large advantage.
This left me wondering what the attitude of the American women would be when they all met again to compete for individual medals. Would they behave like the Swedish wrestler Ara Abrahamian who had a hissy fit over a referee’s call, and in a totally uncharacteristically Swedish manner, threw his bronze medal down on the mat and stormed out? Would the Americans be too stuffed with sour grapes to compete?
Oh please, you know what happened. Americans, Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson took the gold and silver medals. They, along with just about everyone else, competed with grace and dignity. Nastia Liukin’s vault was so graceful and powerful it made me gasp, and I really don’t get emotional about sports. I really don’t care about gymnastics. What got me feeling choked up was seeing the look of maturity and dignity on her face. Then like a hundred pound super hero in a pink leotard she managed to catapult through the air and land with aplomb, with a giant smile on her face. And she and her teammate kept doing this over and over until the end. When they won.
Had these young women shown up for their final moment at the Olympics railing against the corruption of the Chinese government and the IOC and every Tom, Dick, and Harry they could wag a finger at, there is no way they could have focused on not falling off that tiny balance beam. We can do the same thing. Focus on your game, on doing your best, on this moment and the awesome beauty of it. Let Hashem deal with those who refuse to play by the rules. We can’t always force them to play fair, but Hashem can. Meanwhile, the laws of emuna teach us not to waste our smiles and energy arguing with the referee.
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