Rx: Emuna! – Alan’s Odyssey 3

She looked like she got hit by a Mack truck.  She sat in stunned silence for a few minutes.  She then got up and told me that she…and the kids… were leaving after Shabbat.

I was devastated and relieved at the same time.  I was horrified that I might lose my family.  But at least the cat was out of the bag.  I knew that I would now be able to get the help I desperately needed to save my life.

After Shabbat, my wife came to me and told me that she wasn’t leaving…yet.  She demanded that I get the help I needed and told me that there would be absolutely no second chances if I didn’t.  At the time, I was upset at the harsh treatment she was giving me but in hindsight it was just what I needed.

I decided immediately that I wouldn’t tell my parents.  I didn’t want to hurt them.  “I didn’t tell them the first time so why should I tell them now”, I thought.

That Motzaei Shabbat, I started calling my old friends in recovery asking for help.  I got a few voice mails and left messages.  The next morning, my parents stopped by for a surprise visit with my kids.

As we were sitting in the kitchen, my cell phone rang.  A recovery friend was returning the call I placed last night.  I went upstairs to speak privately with him.  I recounted the horrible thoughts I had been thinking only a day before.

As soon as I hung up the phone, my mother walked into the room.  She had tears streaming down her face.  She had heard the conversation.  I was devastated at causing her such anguish.  Yet I was also relieved.  The cat was out of the bag again.  And let’s face it, I really needed my parents’ help.

It turns out my parents were on to my secret all along.  They noticed my erratic behavior and were concerned. They told me that they would come to my house Monday through Thursday to help my wife with the kids so that I could go to meetings.  Thank G-d, they were unbelievably supportive.

Today, thank G-d, I’ve been clean for exactly 18 months!  Spiritually it’s been much more of a struggle this time around.  I stopped praying for a long time.  I was angry at G-d.  I felt that I got a “bum deal” from G-d.  I had a really bad case of the “why me’s”:  Why do I suffer from addiction.  Why does my wife get on my cage so often?  Why is my livelihood so tough?  Why do I have to dislike my job so much?  Why do I have to have such shalom bayit (marital peace) issues?  Why are my kids so wild?  yada, yada, yada, lack of emuna…

My first time in recovery, I ran to G-d and reached (relatively) high levels very quickly.  This time around, however, I fought G-d tooth and nail.  I was determined to get Him back by not putting on tefillin. not davening, not learning, etc….   I was focused on recovery but this time, it wasn’t about G-d. My problem – no emuna. That’s a sickness too in more ways than one.

Slowly I started to realize that it just wasn’t going to work this way!  I started learning again (very slowly).  I found myself learning more Breslev books. They’ve saved my life.

Dear reader, this isn’t a fairy tale with a happy-ever-after ending. My life is still tough.  Parnasa could still use help!  I have a ton of work to do to restore (maybe I never really had) shalom bayit. My kids are wild as ever!! But I’m getting much better at life. I’ve read and am rereading The Garden of Emuna. My emuna is growing.  I am starting to internalize the fact that everything is for the good.  In the past, I acquired my “level” very quickly. Since it wasn’t for real, I also lost it very quickly.  My loss outweighed my gain.

This time around, it’s been a much slower process.  But I believe that this way, my loss will be way-outweighed by my gain in the long run.

I never stopped believing that G-d has something in store for me.  I never stopped believing that I’m destined to use my experiences to help other Jews.  I truly thought that I was “ready” back then.  G-d knew I wasn’t.  Like a seed, I needed to “disintegrate” before I could sprout.

My relapse opened the door to Breslev for me.  I still don’t know exactly who I am, but I realize that Rebbe Nachman’s teachings are crucial to spiritual healing in our generation, mine included. Thank G-d that there are a Rav Shalom Arush and a Rav Lazer Brody to bring Rebbe Nachman’s teaching to this generation’s eye-level.

Most importantly, Hitbodedut is crucial to spiritual healing in our generation.  Had I embarked on my mission back in 2001 or 2002, I would have gone into battle without my most important weapon, Hitbodedut.  Today, however, I am trying to make personal prayer a part of my life.  Equally important, is the fact that today when I meet another Jew in recovery in addition to pointing out the benefits of learning Chassidut, I can tell them about personal prayer.  Perhaps that was the reason that I had to stumble again.  Who knows?

I want to close with one request – do yourself a favor and stay away from garbage that twists your mind. Not just drugs, but booze too; let’s all get high from talking to Hashem. Peace to everybody, your friend Alan.