Exhausted Hubbie, Lonely Young Wife

 

Dear Rivki,

 

Tribulations and Tikkun. First of all, your problems are by no means trivial. Each person gets trials and tribulations as a means of perfecting their spiritual selves. Another person’s difficulties may be a joke for you, and your hardships may seem ridiculous to someone else. Why? Another person’s task on earth might be something that your neshama (divine soul) has already corrected. Yet, whenever a neshama is faced with a necessary tikkun (correction) that it must do, it doesn’t come easy, since a corrected neshama earns eternal bliss. The Yetzer (Evil Inclination) – your enemy – doesn’t want you to have eternal bliss in the next world nor happiness in this world, because if you’re happy, you’re automatically connected to holiness, and the Yetzer doesn’t want that to happen. That’s why – in a nutshell – your life and everyone else’s is difficult.

 

Your letter lists eight important issues:

1) After only 4 weeks at work, your husband’s work is no longer new and exciting. In short, he’s fallen into the routine grind.

2) Your husband has become impatient and irritable.

3) You are afraid to express yourself, and in effect, find yourself walking on eggs.

4) You are lonely.

5) The two of you have difficulty getting through the impure time of the monthly cycle.

6) You cry yourself out.

7) When he comes home, he’s too tired to talk; in other words, your lines of communication are faulty.

8) You can’t put up a front any more.

 

Rivki, an old Arab expression says that if you put a ton on a camel’s back at once, you’ll break its back; but, if you load him little by little, the camel can haul 2 tons. So, let’s take your tremendous "peckal’e" (pack) of your back, and deal with it little by little.

 

Point 1 – Most people’s jobs are dull and routine; like you said, welcome to the world of work. Yet, 4 weeks is pretty fast for a job to become routine. The conclusion – your husband’s neshoma is suffering from malnutruition; he must have something spiritual to look forward to, such as an exciting Gemara lesson between mincha and maariv (afternoon and evening prayers) and vibrant prayer. I suggest that you buy him a present: Rebbe Nachman’s "Hishtapchut Hanefesh" (Outpouring of the Soul) and "Sichot HaRan" (Rebbe Nachman’s Wisdom). Even if your hubbie lacks the patience to learn, these too books will refresh his spiritual life. Whenever a person’s spiritual life is rote and routine, then his or her other activities also become rote and routine, all because of the soul’s lack of spiritual nutrition. These two suggested books are easy to learn, and will make a new man out of your husband.

Point 2 – He’s impatient and irritable at himself, because he knows that he should be doing more in ruchniut (spirituality) than he is. Be patient, Rivki; buy him the two Rebbe Nachman books and you’ll see the change.

Point 3 – Don’t ever be afraid to say anything, just express yourself gently without insulting him. Smile as much as you can.

Points 4 and 5 – To beat the loneliness, why don’t you make a learning session daily with your husband? Prepare refreshments, look your very best, and learn Rebbe Nachman’s books together. This advice also solves point 5, about having something meaningful to do when you can’t be physically intimate. Nothing brings two people together so closely like learning with each other.

Point 6 – Cried out? Learn how to cry: If you spend at least a half an hour (preferably an hour) every day talking and crying to your ever-compassionate beloved tatty (father) up in heaven, then your remaining 23 hours will be happy ones. Tell Hashem exactly how you feel and what hurts you, and you’ll be amazed at how much better you’ll feel.

Point 7 – Your husband’s too tired to talk; see point 1 – he’s suffering from "ayefut hanefesh" (a tired soul). As soon as you implement points 1,2,4, and 5, this point will work itself out. My bet is that he learned in an educational system that never taught him the meaning of emuna or prayer with enthusiasm. How do I know? When he was in kollel, he was impatient. Now that he’s working, he’s too tired to talk. I don’t buy that – a new husband with a gorgeous new bride should not be too tired to talk.

Point 8 – you can’t put up a front; then don’t! Like I said, be gentle and honest. Don’t ever hide your feelings, and encourage your husband to express his. Otherwise, you’ll never learn to understand one another. I can’t emphasize enough the importance to talk a lot, especially in the first year. I suggest to most couples that every year should be the first year. Try to take walks together.

 

Rivki, the root of all the above 8 problems are twofold – one, the lack of spiritual awareness which stems the type of “going-through-the-motions” Judaism that fails to satisfy the soul, and two, a lack of proper and comprehensive marital instruction before your wedding. Yes, I’m sure you both know family purity laws, but you must both learn about the importance of communication, building a lasting relationship especially in the first year, and your mutual emotional duties to one another. It was easy for your husband to be energetic and carefree before he was married; now that he has the responsibility of a wife (and soon children, G-d willing), he needs to learn what the yoke of a family means. I’ll bet that no one ever taught him.

 

You should pick up our CDs, particularly First Place, Respecting Your Wife, A Woman Builds, Peace in the Home, and Your Beauty. If a couple hasn’t had intensive Hadracha (family counseling) before the wedding, then they should fill the gap after the wedding.

 

Let me know if there’s any other way I can help you. Best regards to your husband, and try to get him to read the marital advice articles here at BreslevIsrael. Please invite me to the bris of your firstborn, which with Hashem’s blessing will be within the coming months, amen. With blessings always, Lazer Brody.